Posted by: DD | June 11, 2006

No. 205 – Friends

I’ve been thinking a lot about the email I received from my friend. I haven’t responded to her not-so-subtle question yet, and I don’t think I would feel comfortable with NOT responding to it. The type of response that makes me feel the least uncomfortable is the straightforward approach sans emotion. Basically it will be a bullet point summary of what Mr. DD and I have been through since last summer. I will not address the question about my blog. I agree with many of you who said if she had been really interested, she would’ve googled it or found it by other means probably rather easily. Plus, since I’ve been more concerned now with anonymity, I don’t want her coming here.

What I ended up thinking about most was what made us friends in the first place. We met when we were working at the same place. For a few months we even lived together when Mr. DD and I were working out what our future held for us just shortly before he proposed. When I got married, she was a bridesmaid; I was her maid of honor. Our first babies were born within six weeks of each other. So what happened? I really don’t know anymore. Distance has played a great part of it. Different goals and how we achieved them probably played another.

What I do know is that I had just as much part in not fostering the friendship as she did. I could’ve called; I could’ve made some extra trips; I could’ve sent more emails. I felt justification that for the few attempts I made, she did the same. When I try to relieve some of the guilt I have by saying I don’t like talking on the phone, I counter with how much I have enjoyed phone conversations with some of you. I say I don’t like to write out emails that are lengthy and detailed: I write in my blog nearly every other day. I don’t like making long trips in the car by myself, I then remember dozens of car trips to The Metro for our treatments.

Obviously, whatever the reason we are no longer close has little to do with what we have done, but what we haven’t done.

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Responses

  1. Maybe it’s not what you haven’t done? Maybe it’s run its course?

    It’s been over a year since I talked to my best friend and I probably think of contacting her daily. We didn’t have a falling out; we just grew apart and someplace inside I realized that’s for the best. She was very busy with her volunteer and church activities. With my lifestyle at the time, we had trouble fitting in time together. In retrospect, I realize she wasn’t being the best friend to me that she could have and I don’t think it would serve me to resurrect something that I shouldn’t.

    I don’t know if this relates in the least, but it has really been on my mind for a few weeks. I’ll leave my quarter on the mat to pay for the TKO therapy session.

  2. I agree with Cricket – maybe the friendship just ran its course. People grow apart – it doesn’t mean that anyone is to blame… it just happens.

  3. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since you posted on it a few days ago. And I think you need to put any anger, disappointments, doubts or fears aside for a bit and think hard about what this friendship meant to you when it was at its closest. Was it special to you? Is that something you want to regain?

    If the answers to both of those questions are yes, then I think you should regreet her openly and willingly into your life again, and see what happens. You really have no idea why she suddenly got quiet over the fall and winter, right after visiting your blog. She even said in her recent e-mail something to the effect that she would have to bring you up to date on what’s been going on in her life. Sounds like maybe she’s been going through some tough times, too. And if that’s the case, then maybe she could use an old friend just like you back in her life right now.

    I don’t know a lot about life, but the few things I’ve learned of importance include:
    1. Life is too damn short
    2. Good friends are too rare
    3. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to learn

    Hope you’re doing better, hon.

  4. Most of the friends that I have inadvertantly parted ways with are ones that had different goals in life at the time I guess, and then I move away as well. Hell, even my good friends now, ones that are raising kids about the same age as The Boy, and I don’t keep in touch that well. We don’t mean for it to be this way, it just is.

    The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

  5. I really hear you. The demise of a close friendship is a painful and – above all else – confusing thing.

    I second, emphatically, your decision to not share your blog in this case. Opens cans of worms.


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