Posted by: DD | June 12, 2006

No. 207 – GAH!

Gah! is just the tip of the iceburg. Before I explain, I first ask that you all not get all a’twitter about my last post. I’m gathering arsenal information to give to Mr. DD. It seems rather moot as the only reading material that man ever sticks his nose in is either this or this. I’m looking for a condensed version on adoption to give to him, preferably one that contains all pictures. Hell, I don’t know if I could even get him to read this!

However, what ended up putting the proverbial bug up my butt was a wedding I attended on Saturday. I forgot what a babe-magnet weddings are. Babe as in Ba-BEE. I was surrounded by pregnant women…literally. One of two things were going to happen: I was either going to sneak up on them while they stared trance-like at the bride’s bling and surreptitiously rub up against their swollen abdomens or cry.

You only get one guess.

Actually, I did pretty well as I found myself fending off feelings of jealousy by tallying up in my head the reasons I was glad I wasn’t pregnant right then:

  1. It’s starting off to be one mo-fo hot summer
  2. Kankles, my god, the kankles!
  3. Fugly semi-formal maternity dresses
  4. Creepy ex-fertiles (who, me?) staring with xray vision at burgeoning girths

Unfortunately, the coup de grace was the woman who sat in the pew directly in front of me. She was gorgeous. I mean GOR-geous. Gorgeous, perfectly coiffed hair and gorgeous, perfectly made-up face. I hated her. Her husband was handsome (in a youthful, boyish way). They had three girls who appeared to range in age 3 to 8. I forced myself to dwell on her rather matronly shoes which took her from a 9 1/2 to an 8.

It wasn’t until we stood for the ceremony that I saw the baby-carrier. A boy. Maybe two weeks old with a thatch of baby-duck down for hair was sleeping in it. I was glad I was sitting on the inside of the pew and not the outside by the aisle where I was sure I could’ve made a decent run for it. I concentrated even harder on Gorgeous’s ugly sensible shoes.

Just as I was thinking about how lucky they were to have a baby sleep all the way through the wedding, he woke up. When Mr. Gorgeous plucked him from the carrier, he was still all curled in that fetal posture babies have for the first few weeks of their lives. I stared at his milky-blue eyes and was thankful he couldn’t see mine. Then Mr. Gorgeous handed the baby off to Mrs. Gorgeous and she plopped him over her shoulder…directly under my nose. Because, as you see, the wedding was Catholic. I was on my knees. She was sitting. Picturing it? If I hadn’t leaned my butt against the pew seat, his hair would’ve been in my nose. That downy soft hair.

Before I even realized what was happening, I was crying. I felt Jerry brush his hand down my arm in understanding.

Gah!

Is this how I will respond to every baby I ever get close enough to touch, to smell? Who was I trying to fool by thinking I was OK?

This is not how it is supposed to be for me. I just feel it in the pit of my heart.

That’s why I’m researching. Digging.

Dreaming.

Hoping.

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Responses

  1. Dear DD, GAH indeed. That must have been so, so hard.

    I’m hoping for you too, my dear. So much.

  2. Add Consumer Reports and you have my husband’s reading material as well. I hope that the research goes well.

  3. I understand completely.

    Huge hugs,
    Kate

  4. Oh sweetie. I am so sorry.
    As for the adoption presentation, maybe if you do some sort of powerpoint, like I did, he’ll be so distracted by the technical fabulousness of your whooshing slides that he will agree to anything.

  5. The thought of that baby made me cry, heaven knows how I would have reacted if I’d been there in person! I haven’t managed to get my husband to read anything about adoption yet. I just keep talking to him about it and hope he’ll pick up some interest on his own at some point. Sorry not to have any bright ideas – oh, except maybe you could find a playboy model who was adopted and show him her story?

    Not serious, sorry.

  6. You should hire Alexa to do your powerpoint. She has excellent qualifications in this area.

  7. That I recall, I’ve not been with a man who was a reader. The lure of the TV and reading scores/stats were the only things occupying their heads.

    Maybe you could stage it like a sports show or a porn audition? Go power point, even.

    As a once good Lutheran, I certainly understand kneelers facing the backs of heads. Mostly what I would get whiffs of was moth balls, not baby shampoo. I’d do the kneeling shimmy to a new spot.

  8. When my first adoption failed, I was exactly the same way. I could barely be civil to new mothers and I did ignore their babies as best I could. Then, when we were waiting and waiting and waiting some more for the boy? I became a hermit so 1)I wouldn’t have to answer the questions 2)I wouldn’t have to see the babies 3)I wouldn’t have to kill the mothers who thought they were doing me a favor by shoving the babies into my arms.

    It sucks and I’m sorry any of us have to go through it.

  9. Oh crap- I’m sorry you had to experience that. Ugh!

  10. oh, DD. I can picture this scenario so well and cry a little myself.

  11. Oh DD, I know exactly what you mean. I’m so sorry.
    Jeff and I just had a minor argument last night because I told him I don’t want to ride the entire 14 hours to Atlanta with his mom only to show up and have to deal with his pregnant sister on my own for three hours before he arrives. I told him it would be my own personal hell and he got offended. What you’re feeling is natural and it sucks, but at least I can tell you that I know what you’re going through.
    Hang in there.

  12. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. And when husbands don’t understand, it makes it even more difficult. I would have cried also.

    Wish I were further along in the adoption process so that we could help you out. I’ve got lots of information from Ethiopia adoption agencies, but very little for Vietnam or Thailand yet. The first two might be good starting places if you don’t want a long wait–it’s about 6 months between putting in your dossier and when you travel. Just some assvice.

  13. Oh, DD. This has me crying. I know the feeling. I’m so sorry that happened to you – and you’re right – this isn’t how it is supposed to be for you. {{hugs}}

  14. DD – I just get all “a’twitter” over the littlest thing so don’t let it get to you. I’m still living vicariously these days (or maybe that’s precariously, I’m not sure).
    Perhaps we should throw our husbands together and see if either of them can put together a coherent sentence that starts with “the possibility of adopting a child makes me feel ….”. Maybe if we let them help each other?
    Seriously, I hope you make it further along that road than we (I?) did.

    DinoD

  15. Oh, hon, I so wish you didn’t have to go through that kind of pain…I can only imagine how horrible that would feel! My heart goes out to you…I will put some positive energy out for you that something wonderful will happen for you.

  16. I was holding my breath while reading this whole post…I was hoping you didn’t get a whiff of the baby…but you did. 😦

  17. Been there. It was a wedding in October of 2004 and I was at a table with a couple who had five kids and you had to know, she was pregnant with #6. Then everyone started asking us..”so when are you guys going to start a family”. I stood up and said, “I’m going to start drinking first!” Poor DH had to make excuses and explanations. I promised him I would never do that again. Needless to say at the next meeting, with the same general group of people nobody asked the question.

    Hang tough, you’ll get the soft baby down one day and it won’t hurt anymore. I should know… I finally got that sweet soft baby skin 7 weeks ago!

  18. Brett was reluctant to think about adoption at first. I think it was my insanity that tipped him over the edge (past his fear — he was very afraid abotu it). That and me pointing out the many transracially adopted families at the zoo one day. I don’t know what it was but everywhere we turned were white parents with Asian babies, brown babies — he found it very reassuring. But it was a long process — much longer than I wanted it to be. I hope that your peaceful resolution makes itself known to you!!!!

  19. Today I was at the grocery store and seemed to be surrounded by pregnant women. At one point I caught myself with the worse scowl on my face. The creeses on my forehead must have been terribly ugly. I’m sure one of those lucky ladies was wondering what was wrong with the bitchy lady in the feminine product aisle. I almost wished I had a t-shirt that explained that I was not a child-hating witch just another unfortunate infertile that wants a child so badily her eyes tear up when she walks past the baby aisle.

    I totally understand your pain. I know it’s not much, but when I find myself in situations like these, I look around trying to spot the other women at the grocery store, wedding reception, baby shower, etc that looks as miserable as me. I’m not always able to spot her, but I know she’s there somewhere and it makes me feel less alone. Remember we are all there with you even when you can’t spot us.

  20. I’ve been away for a while and now I see you’re reconsidering adoption. Wow! I could be good for you and Mr. DD. The best part of adoption is that your body doesn’t have to be raved and destroyed by pregnancy- each one takes more of a toll.

    BTW- I’m not trying to project any opinions here. Just lending a supportive comment. I’ll be lurking. (((Hugs!)))

  21. Let’s find her and laugh at her shoes. I’m just the kind of woman to do it.


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