Posted by: DD | June 26, 2006

No. 217 – Lassie, Go Home

I have news. It’s incredible news! But first, an insight to how I view crazy dog owners (or is it dogged crazy owners?), so don’t scroll to the end and ruin the surprise…I’ll give you a hint: it’s something I’ve been waiting and hoping for for so long, and NO, you can’t skip to the bottom.


Sunday I went to the Metro with my sister to the Arts Festival. Basically, artists who set up a sampling of their work to sell along several blocks downtown. That means throngs of people. I hate throngs. I haven’t been to a concert in years because I despise strangers bumping into me. It wouldn’t be so bad if the rude bastards would at least say, "sorry" or "pardon me", but noooo-ooo-oo. Too high to even notice they’ve elbowed me in the kidney .

Apparently, the same type of people go to art/craft functions as well.

And they bring walkers, strollers, wheelchairs, walking sticks, cigarettes, min-shopping carts and dogs.

It’s the Dogs that make me craziest.

I have nothing against dogs, per se, even though I would have to admit my personality lends itself to being a cat person: low maintenance (read: don’t have to go outside to exercises them) and "introverted". It’s just that the only place I prefer to run into someone’s dog is their home…or a dog park, which I would never go (my poop-avoidance ability is honed towards to the bovine species. Helloo-o! I grew up on a Nebraska farm!).

I have to say for the time we were there, I got tripped up by more dog leashes then strollers and had more noses aimed at my nethers than I did in the six months of infertility treatments. Honestly. It was ridiculous. I would be standing in one booth and someone’s little troll of a dog would walk under from the next booth to sniff at my toes. If there hadn’t been someone to notice, I seriously thought about giving the dog a poke in the face with my pink-painted toe. I was even more disgusted to see people carrying around their "accessory" dogs, whether in their arms, purses or doggy bjorns. That just confirms that these people aren’t taking their dogs out to exercises or giving them a little tutorial on art appreciation and the varieties of mediums but to "show them off."

However, I started to feel a little left out as the day progressed. I wanted a fancy, sparkly leash. I wanted to carry around a diaper bag filled with doggy treats, a water bowl and wash cloth (oh, yeah, I saw that). But there’s still that part of me that doesn’t want to conform. So my sister suggested that if I was going to get a dog, I should get me A DOG: an English Mastiff, for example. My Mastiff would serve several purposes: it would garner incredible attention; it could carry my purse and packages (and even me) when I got tired; and best of all, I would train it to snap up accessory dogs as snacks. And that little fuzzy bastard in the doggy bjorn? That would be a to-go meal.


The big news, you ask? Am I pregnant? No, no. But be honest, how many of you thought that immediately? How many of you are actually relieved I’m not? I know how much it kind of sucks to find out someone else is pregnant, so I won’t take it personally.

Anyway…we have a well! With water! With clean water! We are moving in to our new house, kids, and it’s about fucking time.



  1. Dog lover here. I love cats, too, but only because growing up we couldn’t have a dog, so we had cats. We don’t take our lab (which used to be plural labs, sniff) out to public places because, well, not everyone loves my dog as much as I do. And little yapper dogs or accessory dogs? Got no use for ’em. If you want a dog, get a real one.

    Anyway, I’d just like to say my dog is super well behaved. We’ve always made them mind, which really makes me wonder where we went wrong with The Boy. The dog is better behaved, but then he’s now 87.5 years old. Maybe by that age The Boy will have it figured out, too.

    And, yes, I thought you were pregnant. Because, you know, that’s what happens when you quit trying so hard!

  2. Oh, you must know as soon as you tell us not, on any circumstance, to scroll to the bottom that it’s exactly what we’ll do!! Congratulations on the house!!

  3. It is scary going to a festival with a kid who wants to pet each dog, but you don’t know which dogs are nice and which have had enough. And you don’t know when the next dog fight will break out.

    I’ll be honest, I hate the strollers more than the dogs. Too many reasons to mention and most don’t relate to the fact that I don’t have/need a stroller.

    Contrats on being poked, stabbed, drilled, and potable. My that sounds fun. I can’t wait to hear about the next step.

  4. Yay!! You’ve got well! Congrats on moving in. Can’t wait to see new pics of the house. (Hint, hint.)

  5. I love the idea of accessory dogs as snacks. hehehehhee.

    Congrats on the well and the move. Must be such a huge relief to finally have that DONE!

  6. Congrats on the wellness – when do you move in? I’m with mm – when do we get to see some new pictures of the house? Yes, I have nothing better to do with my time. If I can’t live closer, picture will have to suffice.
    I also did the scroll down prior to reading about dogs but I (for one) did not think you were pregnant. I think you would be ecstatic but a lot more hesitant or cautious when (if?) the next pregnancy occurs (wouldn’t thoughts of Vivienne be pretty close?)
    I thought the “incredible news” was that you finally received those long awaited royalty cheques. You know, from that cover for the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated.

  7. Little dogs ARE real dogs. I’ve had both, and both are equally fun. In the future, I will have one of each because each has its perks…

    As for taking them out in public… that’s what dog parks are for.

    Congratulations for the well!

  8. I totally scrolled down the bottom first. Sorry…I’m bad with directions.

    Congrats on the well!

  9. A friend of ours just got an English Mastiff. 7 weeks old and weighs 23 lbs…
    Now THOSE are dogs! I LOVES me some BIG DOGS. We always had Shepards and Huskies when I was growing up. My neighbor had a chihuahua (how the hell do you spell Taco-Bell dog?) what a shivering, nervous peeing, yipping waste of doggie-dna. Sorry to any of those little rat-dog owners out there.)

  10. Congrats!! It’s so excited to move into a brand new house… no one elses dirt to deal with.

  11. I thought the big surprise was that you got a DOG!! I’m so went with the story and, well, you mentioned a Mastiff and whoa, I thought “why not?!”

    Congratulations on your new home. Very exciting! Enjoy!

  12. haha, i couldn’t wait either, I didn’t even read your instructions not to look.
    Congratulations on the well! It’ll be so exciting to finally settle in your new home (not to move though, that part is just stressful).

  13. I hate big dogs!!! And it did not even occur to me that you were PG??? Congrats on the well cos water is um, good!

  14. Me too, I looked. Sorry. And I sadly did not think you were pregnant. I somehow think you will tell us that another way.

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