Posted by: DD | July 6, 2006

No. 225 – 7667

Dawn_kindergarten_picture 7667

That’s my birthday 39 years ago. I was baby #5 out of 6. A birth-order like that means I missed out on the cute and/or touching stories of my birth that seem to be exclusive to the first, second and sometimes even the third born. That’s why the only good quality picture of me from my childhood is the one you see here. My kindergarten picture. I was at the same age as X is.

I don’t know the story behind why I was named with my name, but I believe that my siblings, specifically the ones in their teens had something to say being as it was the 60s.

I grew up on a dairy farm. One of the off-the-cuff memories I have about my childhood was Christmas, but not in the traditional sense. It was the time of the year that the dairy company distributed bonuses based on the year’s production in the form of brand new, crisp, two-dollar bills. All of us children, their spouses, and grandkids, still get a two-dollar bill at Christmas time, even though the dairy is no longer in production. A reminder of harsher times. A reminder of simpler times. A reminder of happier times.

Sometime around my 10th birthday, I remember getting grounded for a month from going into town to go swimming because the cattle got out. I was blamed for not shutting the gate. This happened on my 11th and 12th birthday as well. I remember my Mom pulling me aside on my 12th and telling me she thought it was probably my Dad’s fault. I was just the one he took it out on.

I got my period on my 13th birthday while at church…wearing white jeans. Who knew that me and the girls were off to an auspicious start so early. And no matter what has gone on with me physically, I’ve always had my period on my birthday. Always. Except this year. I’m actually not quite sure, but I think it’s either day 13 or 14. I don’t know if I will finally get a positive on my OPK or not. I haven’t seen one since our treatments started nearly a year ago. Having my ovaries forced under duress to perform has apparently caused them to go into early retirement. Please don’t say that my birthday may be good luck this time because this morning was a no go as well. I’ve been testing since Monday and the second line actually gets dimmer and dimmer. If I was to have any good luck when it comes to getting pregnant, it would have happened with the IUIs and IVFs. But I will keep the OPKs handy, just because I like to portray the impossible: an optimistic bitch.

I’ve never had a memorable birthday party. It’s always been celebrated with family and friends when they use to come to the farm for fireworks during the celebration of the 4th of July. Sure it may sound like it was pretty cool, but it’s like people using Christmas to celebrate your birthday if you were born in December. It just felt like my birthday was a footnote.

This may sound as if my birthday has always been depressing, and that’s not necessarily true. It’s just never been spectacular. I find myself each year taking stock of what the past 12 months have brought. My focus in recent years has been my son. I look back on pictures and marvel, and even mourn, the growth of my now long-gone baby. It also makes me realize that for every month during treatments when I thought the two-week-wait-that-felt-like-eternity would never end that the past 12 months have suddenly just…*pffft*… vanished. Gone forever.

Some of my friends are bemoaning the passing, or soon to pass, of their twenties. I did as well. With my thirties I can think of them as "the best of times. It was the worst of times". I turned 30 a month after I got married and I gave birth to a baby boy in my mid-thirties. I miscarried a baby girl and I went through the depths of hell with failed infertility treatments towards the end of the decade.

I just hope that I don’t let these last couple of years define how I felt about my thirties. It wouldn’t be fair to X or Mr. DD that our losses overshadowed the miracles and good things that happened for us. I wouldn’t be here taking up valuable virtual space if it hadn’t been for this past year. How could I wish that away?

Actually, for my Birthday Wish, I wish I had just come here under different circumstances because I wouldn’t give up knowing any one of you for anything.



  1. Happy Birthday, DD! I hope that you do get lucky this year. The optimistic bitch plan sounds like a good one to me. (And, fwiw, I found that my second line on the OPKs fluctuated quite a lot – I don’t think the fact that it’s getting dimmer means much).

  2. Happy Bday, you optimistic bitch!! Wow- you were (and are) so cute!! And yes, I agree with Nico… just when I thought the 2nd line on an OPK couldn’t get any lighter, the next day it would turn positive. Those damn things are wily like that.

  3. Love the photo!

    Hope the pain of your 30’s fades and the ‘good stuff’ prevails.

    Take care and have a great day!

  4. Happy Birthday DD!! What an adorable photo!!

  5. Awwww…. Happy Birthday, you POAS obsessed girl! (me, too) I luv the photo. I luv nostalgia. I’ll be the princess of silver linings & send you birthday wishes of BFP+40ww!! I think you’re swell!!

  6. Happy Birthday, girl. What would it take to make your birthday “spectacular?” Are you a party person? Would you love to shop the day away? Whatever it is, you deserve an amazing birthday and you should either tell Mr. DD or make it happen!!!!
    Either way HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you (again)!!!

  7. Happy Birfday….I wish the one dream you hold in your heart would come true.

    It’s funny – my grandparents had a dairy farm when I was growing up, and we used to visit in the summer. The memories of life on the farm stuck with me more than the day-to-day memories of the other 48 weeks a year when I wasn’t there. I loved that farm. Granted, I was a little kid and didn’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to deal with the cows, so…

  8. I hope that you have a wonderful birthday! I hit 35 myself in October. I’m trying not to think about it. 🙂 Thankfully my husband is 8 years older than I am. I can always feel at least “youngish” in comparison.

    I will be giving you a toast tonight with my glass of skim milk at dinner. Here’s to another year.

  9. delurking for a minute… That second line on the opk is never predictable, is it? I think they need to do away with opk’s and come up with a new stick for us poas addicts, one that doesn’t have any disappointment or negative connotations. Pee on it, and it gives you a fortune cookie saying. Or a weird word-of-the-day. Something more entertaining than just a line.. and Happy Birthday!

  10. A-ha, so that explains it all.
    Of course I am talking about the near exhibitionist tendacies you have (the ballroom dancing, the nearly-there outfit for mowing the lawn and the fringed jacket for starters).
    It’s all due to being the fifth child. From a well known book on birth order: “The fifth child often presents with a larger than life persona. Prone to behaviours designed to attract attention, the fifth child is often characterized both by outlandish and extreme behaviours. Likely to have been born on a dairy farm, the fifth child can often be found searching for outdated Clinique concealer and driving too quickly.”
    Well okay, so I made it all up.
    Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (And ahem, cough, cough, I’m a little jealous of 39, cough, cough… wanna trade?)

  11. I am in awe of your cuteness. X certainly got his (temporary) soft fuzz from you.

    Happy, happy birthday, my friend. I hope you can make some new memories.

  12. Happy birthday!! It’s my brother’s birthday too – I think God screwed up, he meant to send you to our family a couple years later!

  13. Happy Birthday!

  14. Happy Birthday sweetie. I hope you get two wishes very soon- one to sell the house and one to get PG.

  15. Happy Birthday! I have to say, that is one of the cutest pictures I have seen. And it’s odd how much of your grown-up face and personality you can see in it.
    Also? OPKs=SATAN.

  16. .`.`.`.`.`.~Happy Birthday~.`.`.`.`.`.`.
    My present to you is a birthday prayer for wishes fulfilled.
    P.S. opk’s never worked on me. Even when I went on to conceive kids that month. I could test like crazy and never catch the surge….odd huh?

  17. Happy birthday.My nieces birthday is today too. She’s 32 years younger than you!Hee Hee

  18. I feel very similarly about birthdays, DD. But sometimes taking stock is far more important than celebrating. Happy birthday.

  19. Happy Belated Birthday DD!
    You’re still younger than me!! I just turned 41 (ugh!) in June.

  20. Congratulations and happy birthday! July babies are super-cool, speaking from experience.

  21. Happy Birthday to yoooooou, happy birthday to yooooooou, happy birthday deeeear DD…
    I’m still younger than you.

  22. Dear DD, Happy Happy Birthday! I’m so sorry I’m late! Wishing you a wonderful, wonderful last year of your thirties — the one that evens everything out.

    You were the cutest little girl ever, my dear.

  23. I’m 2 days late, forgive me!
    Happy Birthday!!

  24. Belated happy birthday my friend. I hope that your 40th year is tremendously fun and rewarding.

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