Posted by: DD | July 21, 2006

no. 235 – Brown Leaf

Have you ever picked up a brown, dead leaf from the ground and crushed it in your hand? The leaf just crumbles into tiny, messy pieces that you blow from your palm.

That’s how I feel right now. No, nothing really has "happened", it’s just that I am at my wit’s end, literally. I am tired from the move for one thing. Every night I’m not getting to sleep until at least 11:30 or midnight. This from a girl who usually is in REM by 10:00.  It’s like living in a hotel. I’m not comfortable, and it will take weeks to feel "at home" there. I’ve only been in the whirlpool once, but dammit, I fully intend to be soaking my ass tonight, come hell and hot, swirling, bubbling water. I’m jonesing for a vacation to anywhere. I haven’t had a vacation since the Beach Vacation in 2004, which was marred by the fact we conceived Vivienne when we got back.

I’m also dealing with an incredible burden of what to do with our second kitty. Moe, as you know, lost his ninth life leaving his feline friend, August (aka Auggie), alone. I don’t know if I have mentioned this, but I decided long before we ever broke ground that there would be no more pets in the house. My allergies are at their worst and I’m tired of cleaning up hair and hairballs, shutting doors to every room in the house to reduce dander, and no one (I’m pointedly staring down Mr. DD) grooming in an effort to help. And the smell of cat food in the morning, pregnant or no, is gag-inducing. We’re just never there and it’s not fair to keep a pet who gets little attention or love.

If it was up to me alone, this plan would be easy to follow through on. But I’m not alone. I have a 4 1/2 year old little boy who came home the other night in tears after he and Mr. DD went to see her at the other house to feed and play with her. He buried his head into my hip and wept. When I ruffled his hair and asked why he was so sad, he said he misses Auggie and he wants her to come to the new house. He said we can set up a litter box in the basement. He said she is lonely.

A knife straight into my heart would not have hurt me more.

Last night Mr. DD and I discussed August’s possible fates. I said that it would be so easy for me to ease that guilt that lays so heavily in me and say yes, bring her here. But, I told him, eventually I would resent being sick again and dealing with another aging and/or ill cat. I said I can feel like shit now or feel like shit later. It’s just later, I would blame him. Right now, I will only be able to blame myself.

I’ve asked friends and family. I called our vet. The word is out, but I’m getting scared for Auggie. I honestly don’t think I have the balls to put her down, and I feel like a completely selfish bitch for doing something like that to a perfectly healthy cat…neuroses aside. X loves her, and she has always been by X’s side. I will never forget how her long, furry tail would graze his sticky hands and face as a baby when he sat on the floor for her examinations.

This is so hard. You just don’t have any idea. Would you believe I’m sitting here crying about it right now? I’m so pathetic.

So, yeah, right now I feel little dead, brown pieces drifting away after being crushed.

Sorry for the woe-is-me post du jours of late. Again, I think it’s PMS, which is probably being delayed a little by the progesterone cream. Pamplemousse asked me if I’ve peed on any sticks yet, which did elicit a smile from me. I’m only 9 dpo. If I make it to Wednesday without a Blood Sighting, you will be the first to know. And don’t take the left side links or lack there of as a sign of anything. I’m just revamping and haven’t had enough time or energy to get you all back up there. Once I get done, I’ll let you know so you can proofread and if necessary, demand your place in the sun.

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Responses

  1. Thanks for coming over to share condolences. I really appreciate it. I feel for you with the kitty situation. That is so tough. Hopefully you can find a home for Auggie It is good that you can recognize that you will be resentful when your allergies come back. It is probably better to make the change now rather than have to go through the same thing again in a few months.

  2. feel better darlin. if i saw you, i’d pick you up and give you water. 🙂

  3. *hugs*

  4. Moving during PMS….ugh. That would be tough for anyone, hon. Take it easy on yourself. Avoid making big decisions about Auggie until after this is over.
    Love.

  5. I say suck it up, get some Claritin D and move Auggie to the new house. Come on, what’s a few hairballs and some dander in the big scheme of things? Motherhood is sometimes (hell, oftentimes) about putting the needs of our children above our own. When you brought this animal into your life, you accepted responsibility for it. Don’t wimp out now.

  6. I think what you need is some ice cream and a long soak in your new tub.

    After PMS, then make a decision.

  7. I don’t have the allergies that others do (for cats anyway), but I grew up with a cat and when I went to college and had none, I found myself reaching out to pet books that I caught in the corner of my eye. What I’m saying is that I missing having that furry friend more than I could have dreamed. So wait for a little bit and see if you find yourself stroking a box absentmindedly. If you do, then you may be in need of a pet more than you realize.

  8. I became allergic to my cats too and had the exact same dilema when moving into a new house. Both cats were aged and one passed away right before the move. Cat #2 stayed at the old house for a week while we got settled in the new house and I struggled with what to do with her. Guess what? She took matters in her own hands and joined her buddy in kitty heaven. It was a blessing. Maybe the same will happen for you.

  9. I got nuthin for ya. I am a person who cannot imagine life without pets. I am also not allergic.

  10. Oh, just take the damn cat in. I know it’s a pain in the butt, but the cat won’t live forever.

  11. Good luck with the cat dilema! I think it calls for a soak in the tub.

    Take care

  12. I have never had a pet that didn’t live in a small fish bowl. Now I know why. I couldn’t handle that type of situation. I feel for you! How do you go ahead with what you know is right/the way things have to be when it breaks your children’s hearts? The person who figures out how to be a mother without guilt will be a billionaire.

  13. Oh, DD that is so sad! We have 2 dogs and I am allergic – I have thought more than once how lovely it will be to have no pets to sneeze at, but at the same time I have enjoyed their company. It’s hard! Hope you are feeling like a nice, new, green leaf soon.


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Posted by: DD | July 21, 2006

no. 235 – Brown Leaf

Have you ever picked up a brown, dead leaf from the ground and crushed it in your hand? The leaf just crumbles into tiny, messy pieces that you blow from your palm.

That’s how I feel right now. No, nothing really has "happened", it’s just that I am at my wit’s end, literally. I am tired from the move for one thing. Every night I’m not getting to sleep until at least 11:30 or midnight. This from a girl who usually is in REM by 10:00.  It’s like living in a hotel. I’m not comfortable, and it will take weeks to feel "at home" there. I’ve only been in the whirlpool once, but dammit, I fully intend to be soaking my ass tonight, come hell and hot, swirling, bubbling water. I’m jonesing for a vacation to anywhere. I haven’t had a vacation since the Beach Vacation in 2004, which was marred by the fact we conceived Vivienne when we got back.

I’m also dealing with an incredible burden of what to do with our second kitty. Moe, as you know, lost his ninth life leaving his feline friend, August (aka Auggie), alone. I don’t know if I have mentioned this, but I decided long before we ever broke ground that there would be no more pets in the house. My allergies are at their worst and I’m tired of cleaning up hair and hairballs, shutting doors to every room in the house to reduce dander, and no one (I’m pointedly staring down Mr. DD) grooming in an effort to help. And the smell of cat food in the morning, pregnant or no, is gag-inducing. We’re just never there and it’s not fair to keep a pet who gets little attention or love.

If it was up to me alone, this plan would be easy to follow through on. But I’m not alone. I have a 4 1/2 year old little boy who came home the other night in tears after he and Mr. DD went to see her at the other house to feed and play with her. He buried his head into my hip and wept. When I ruffled his hair and asked why he was so sad, he said he misses Auggie and he wants her to come to the new house. He said we can set up a litter box in the basement. He said she is lonely.

A knife straight into my heart would not have hurt me more.

Last night Mr. DD and I discussed August’s possible fates. I said that it would be so easy for me to ease that guilt that lays so heavily in me and say yes, bring her here. But, I told him, eventually I would resent being sick again and dealing with another aging and/or ill cat. I said I can feel like shit now or feel like shit later. It’s just later, I would blame him. Right now, I will only be able to blame myself.

I’ve asked friends and family. I called our vet. The word is out, but I’m getting scared for Auggie. I honestly don’t think I have the balls to put her down, and I feel like a completely selfish bitch for doing something like that to a perfectly healthy cat…neuroses aside. X loves her, and she has always been by X’s side. I will never forget how her long, furry tail would graze his sticky hands and face as a baby when he sat on the floor for her examinations.

This is so hard. You just don’t have any idea. Would you believe I’m sitting here crying about it right now? I’m so pathetic.

So, yeah, right now I feel little dead, brown pieces drifting away after being crushed.

Sorry for the woe-is-me post du jours of late. Again, I think it’s PMS, which is probably being delayed a little by the progesterone cream. Pamplemousse asked me if I’ve peed on any sticks yet, which did elicit a smile from me. I’m only 9 dpo. If I make it to Wednesday without a Blood Sighting, you will be the first to know. And don’t take the left side links or lack there of as a sign of anything. I’m just revamping and haven’t had enough time or energy to get you all back up there. Once I get done, I’ll let you know so you can proofread and if necessary, demand your place in the sun.


Responses

  1. I do not envy your position at all. It is such a burden to be ill or uncomfortable for the sake of others. That’s what you’re contemplating though. Poor little X, I’m sure he’s heartbroken but I’m also sure that he’d forgive you. Eventually, when he turned 30 and gets five cats out of spite.

    Chin up lady, moving just sucks balls.

  2. I can imagine how hard it is to see X so heartbroken. It will definitely be hard on him but it would also be hard on him when eventually Auggie’s ninth life was up. This way, he’s a little younger and maybe bounces back a little faster, and you don’t have to worry about resentment later on. It sucks no matter how you look at it, but what you’ve done seems to be the lesser of two evils.

    You’ve definitely earned that hot-tub soaking.

  3. I am so sorry about your dilemma. I can’t tell you how long I wished my cat were dead, but then she turned 18 this week. We got our second wind. It is hard to appreciate them sometimes, I know. They are work. They cause allergies and reactions. There are so many negatives, but you know the positives, too. Good luck as you decide and I hope it doesn’t wind up you feeling like you caved.

  4. No ideas how to solve the cat situation. Sorry it’s another heavy load on your heart.

    Hopefully your tub will give you some -if only temporary- relief.

  5. Sorry you’re having a blue spell, I do hope you spring back soon. Hang tight and drink plenty.

  6. You have so much going on right now. I know the feeling of living in a hotel. I still don’t feel at home either. I don’t know where to go to relax, nothing feels quite right. When I wake up at night to go to the bathroom my feet don’t quite know where to go.
    Give yourself a break and go have a soak.

  7. I became allergic to my cats too and had the exact same dilema when moving into a new house. Both cats were aged and one passed away right before the move. Cat #2 stayed at the old house for a week while we got settled in the new house and I struggled with what to do with her. Guess what? She took matters in her own hands and joined her buddy in kitty heaven. It was a blessing. Maybe the same will happen for you.

  8. I got nuthin for ya. I am a person who cannot imagine life without pets. I am also not allergic.

  9. Oh, just take the damn cat in. I know it’s a pain in the butt, but the cat won’t live forever.

  10. Good luck with the cat dilema! I think it calls for a soak in the tub.

    Take care

  11. I have never had a pet that didn’t live in a small fish bowl. Now I know why. I couldn’t handle that type of situation. I feel for you! How do you go ahead with what you know is right/the way things have to be when it breaks your children’s hearts? The person who figures out how to be a mother without guilt will be a billionaire.

  12. Oh, DD that is so sad! We have 2 dogs and I am allergic – I have thought more than once how lovely it will be to have no pets to sneeze at, but at the same time I have enjoyed their company. It’s hard! Hope you are feeling like a nice, new, green leaf soon.


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