Posted by: DD | August 2, 2006

no. 242 – A Decision, of Sorts

DinoD asked me in her comment from the last post if we would do another IVF if we went onto donor sperm. If I had been asked that question shortly after IVF #2 (The Suckage), I might have been inclined to respond with Yes, even though that was, without a doubt, one of the most painful moments in my life. But now, nearly three months later? I can answer the question definitively with a resounding NO.

The enchantment I had with IVF has evaporated like fog in the noon-day sun. That’s about as succinct a statement I can make on the matter. When we did the first IVF and we got the pathetic positive beta on New Years Eve, I was certain that it was like turning a key in a stalled car when it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. That is to say, the first attempt was just a priming of the engine; the second would bring it revving to life.

So I had this build up of hope and optimism that was utterly crushed when the second IVF was a complete failure and a black hole of misplaced energy. I had expectations. I can only imagine that my response to the second IVF would not have been so blindingly painful if I had at least managed another positive beta followed by another lost pregnancy. Because that to me was my minimum expectation. Minimum. And when it was less than that? Well, unless you are Suzanne or Beagle (or any number of women who have recently geared up for IVF #? and came out disillusioned), you can only imagine the blow to one’s belief in the ART system as a whole.

And it’s the posts that I read nearly daily that cement my decision. I lived through that torture and every time I read someone’s post describing the anxiety, sorrow, and broken dreams, it’s like going through that moment in May all over again. I mean, sometimes I can’t even comment, it immobilizes me that much. I have to dig deep to find support for someone going through an IVF or even a FET because I really have nothing to base that support on. Being positive; praying; and offering up blood sacrifices didn’t do anything for me, why would it work for someone else? Does that make sense?

The reason I would’ve said Yes earlier as opposed to now is because I was still in denial about the whole IVF-is-the-answer thing. I really believe it can work for many, but I now know it will never work for us. Not just medically, either. It’s not worth the draining of our savings. A failed IVF not only takes away your future when it comes to not producing a baby, but it takes away your optimism, hope, and even something so material as your savings account – all the things we tally up when we think about our families and their futures.

This is not to say I wouldn’t consider any ART. If we gave ourselves the luxury of exposing ourselves to hope…yet again…and decided to try donor sperm, it would have to be through IUI. Even though I’m not a stellar responder to stims, something does happen, and I would rather have two strong follicles then 20 underachievers. I have to remember, when it comes to ART, one wants the woman to have the Quality and the men to have the Quantity. Of course, this is not to say that we won’t discover that even two large follicles won’t end up being two empty sacks of cysts (say that fast and you will get the real meaning of that statement).

Here’s another concern I have when it comes to whether or not we will pursue DI: our privacy.

With the realization that people I know IRL read this blog, I know I will have to stop writing if we even considered DI beyond this point. We still have never sat and discussed this, but I’m fairly sure that Mr. DD and I are both in agreement that we don’t want our families or friends to know. Even now, as You Who Know Me read this, if I was to get pregnant, you will always wonder in the back of your mind if we used donor. That thought makes me see red and gives me a whole ‘nother reason to wish I had never shared a very personal part of me (Mel, you are exempt, of course). And I know it will never be enough for me to just say right now that you’all need to MYOB because that just reels them in ever closer and with ever more stealth.

Right now things are still very much up in the air. There was no time after we both got home last night to discuss the findings from SCSA. Right now the whole issue is a sleeping dog, and I would rather let it lie there for a little while longer.

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Responses

  1. Naturally I would be devastated if you stopped blogging. I say do what you will regarding building your family, and don’t say a word. After all, when anybody you know gets pregnant, do you ask them all the details of the night they got down and dirty? How rude!

  2. DD- I wish I lived close enough to meet you for a drink- I think we could both use one right about now. I really hear you on the need to just sit with things for a while (as I agonize over “natural FETs” and do RE’s know anything at all?) Short of that, please know that I’m thinking of you. I hope you can find a way to sort your feelings, Mr. DD’s feelings, and still find an outlet while respecting family privacy. It is all so very complicated, isn’t it?
    Sending hugs.

  3. Oh I so hurt for you. I can’t even begin to imagine. And here I am, little ol’ me, just trudging along doing it the old fashioned way. And failing, of course. I am so sorry you have to deal with the nasty invasion of RLF. I fear that everytime I write.. that someone I know will find me. Especially if its a fertile I’ve snarked. he he he… But my thoughts are with you. {{HUGS}}

  4. My heart hurts for you. I would be very sad if you stopped blogging but, if it was because you’d decided to try DI as another way to have your family, I’d understand your reasons for wanting privacy. It’s such an emotional issue for you to be dealing with.

  5. DD, I’d be up for a drink as well.

    I agree, a negative IVF cycle is a crushing experience. It doesn’t leave much room for hope that at least ART can get you pregnant.

    I’d miss your blog a lot if you decided to end it, but I understand the dilemma. Wish IF wasn’t so darn painful and difficult.

  6. Wow…I definitely think you are wise to let this lie for a while. Think on it. Pray on it. From what you’ve mentioned about Mr. DD’s feelings on DI in the past, it sounds like that would not be a pleasant conversation to have again. One of the toughest things in marriage is to sometimes put the wants and needs of your spouse in front of your own. Not because you are a doormat or anything, but because there are some issues where you just can’t push people beyond their comfort zone without risking a lot of damage to the relationship.

    Hubby and I have such an issue in our marriage. We both feel like our family is as big as it ever needs to be, and because of that I sometimes seriously consider a tubal. He thinks it’s wrong, and I can’t get him to budge an inch on it. We’ve had the conversation a few times, and it was wrenching and difficult. Stalemate city.

    Good luck deciding what to do on this, dear. My thoughts are with you.


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