Posted by: DD | September 1, 2006

no. 263 – Rummage

I’m on vacation. No, no where special. Just took some days off with the hopes I could just do nothing but sleep and eat and watch bad TV. Unfortunately, the planets didn’t align properly for that (I think the news Pluto had been demoted fucked things up).

So guess what I did all day yesterday, on my first day of vacation? Imagine it was the last thing in the world I would want to do:

I am preparing for a garage sale that I am really hoping will start this afternoon. And not just any ol’ garage sale, mind you. A garage sale that requires me to finally pull the things out of the attic at the old house. If you had been standing there watching Mr. DD pass things through the access hole in the ceiling to me, you wouldn’t have known that it as any big deal: 4 packages wrapped in black plastic and 3 large storage bins.

The black, plastic wrapped items? a high chair; a bouncy seat; an infant swing; and finally, a bassinet.

The bins? Well, they were all the baby clothes I had decided to keep when I was sorting things out two years ago. Remember? Two years ago when I was PREGNANT!

fuck

I suppose it had to be done sooner or later. In fact, I had promised to send some baby clothes to a fellow blogger who was, at the time, still awaiting her little boy. He was born in June. I still haven’t sent anything. Each item I pulled out was like a wine cork screw turn in my heart. Everything had a memory – an impression of love, anxiety, firsts…and sadly, lasts.

I didn’t start openly bawling until I pulled out the pajamas that I remember X walking around in. No big deal, right? Wrong. They were the first jammies he walked in. They are teal with dark blue teal dinosaurs on them. They are like long-johns and snap up the tummy. They were from GAP.21703_toybox_n_book

See how baggy they look on him? I loved those things so much that by the time I finally put them away, they were like a second skin on him.

I found a few kimono tees that I took from the hospital b/c everything we had was 0-3 months. X was preemie-size and everything made him look like a sharpei puppy.

As I went through every item, memories kept coming back stacking up much like the pile of baby clothes on the tables. Even the simple act of snapping up the onesies to make them neat reminded me of the many times Mr. DD would have them all snapped haphazardly after an early-morning feeding and diaper change.

I finished up my night by putting together the swing and bouncy seat. I could almost smell baby formula as I tried to not think about what I was actually doing. The bouncy seat was our life-saver. X spent many more nights sleeping in that than he did in the bassinet because he was prone to congestion. The very first video clip we have of when we brought X home from the hospital was when we put him in the bouncy seat and he was so little that he didn’t have enough weight to make it sit back like it should. He just slumped down in it like a rag. If we turned on the vibrator, we were afraid it would shake him right out.

I have to go back and finish sorting the sizes out and still pick out some of the nicer things to send to my blogging friend. But this time, I will bring a box of kleenex and try to focus on the present and begin to hope for the future. I tell myself that the money will be used to buy all new baby things; and the baby furniture? I hope to price high enough to either scare lookers away, or make enough to justify selling it.

What sucks the most is that those wonderful memories I had with all that stuff has been tainted by what has happened since then. It should bring me all happy tears, a reminder of how much X has grown. It still does that, but it also reminds me of how much infertility has hurt us now.

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Responses

  1. Oh, DD. This reminds me of the line in Princess Bride, I think: “Might as well give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice all over it.”

    I’m so sorry. Handing a big pack of those terrific German tissues instead of Kleenex. They handle more.

  2. I still have a box of clothes with pieces from each of the boys’ babyhood. I just can’t part with it. Its so hard.

  3. Do yourself the favor of parting with these things. Worst case scenario, it can give you closure. Best case scenario, you tempt the fates into getting you pregnant just because you got rid of the items. Superstitious me, that’s why I’ve held on to all that stuff for so long. But I’m finally gonna let go of them later on this month in a rummage sale. Watch me get pregnant in October. Sheesh.
    Anyway, this sucks. Hugs to you, dear.

  4. Oh, how we think alike. I, too, priced things way high so nobody would buy them. And the things that did sell? I made MFH promise to replace them with brand new expensive ones IF we ever become parents again. The clothing didn’t bother me that much. I kept the ones that meant the most (like the size 0 button fly Levis). Good luck. There isn’t much worse than having a garage sale – for so many reasons.

  5. This post broke my heart. I’m sorry. Sending hugs.

  6. I am really sorry.

  7. I’m so sorry. I’m sure it is very very hard parting with things that mean so much.

    If I may be so bold, my husband’s mother saved some of his baby clothes and when we found out we were having a boy, she gave them to us. If you wanted to hold on to a few things that have lots of memories to you (like those jammies), that would be a reason to do it.

    Hugs to you, DD.

  8. That really sucks! 😦 I did the same thing and while it was incredibly sad at the time, honestly it felt pretty liberating after it was all gone. Now everytime DD (she’s 4) grows out of something I just put it in a bag and give it away. I’ve decided that part of my consolation prize for having such a hard time getting and staying pregnant again is to buy everything NEW if and when I do have another baby…maternity clothes included (although I did keep a few really cute items)!

    Good luck with the garage sale and enjoy your mini vacation!

  9. Your post made me very sad. Time is both a blessing and a curse. I hope you soon have new reason(s) to buy all new things.

  10. I felt the same way when I lent out P’s preemie-sized clothes the first and only time I did it. It was just too hard. I can’t even imagine getting rid of them yet. I’m so very sorry that you’re hurting. What a sucky process this whole IF thing is.

  11. 🙂 I’m sorry. I understand. A friend is due anytime now and I promised I’d pull some of ds’s winter things out for her (it’s already getting chillly in the NE). I STILL haven’t done it. She mentioned to me the other day that she got a swing, I also said she could borrow ours. Good luck at the garage sale and enjoy your days off.

  12. You know, DD, because of how the cosmos work with some sort of distorted reverse logic, as soon as you sale away all of that baby stuff, you will get pregnant.
    I know it’s hard. cyber-hugs!

  13. What a way to spend a vacation. Jeez. Not only is it emotionally laden, it’s work! Go find a Margarita and sniff a suntan lotion bottle.

  14. I am sorry.

  15. I’m sorry you’re still suffering so much. I wish there was a way I could send you strength and healing.

    In time, new and happy memories will help soften your pain. Just look into X’s eyes- the happiness is there already.

  16. I was finally able to get rid of some of my daughter’s stuff this year, though I still can’t part with her crib, of all things.

    I saved a bunch of my favorite clothes. Someday, I’m going to make it into a quilt for her. I’m hoping to have it ready as a high school graduation gift. (To give some perspective, she just turned four, heh.)

    I’m finally accepting that I’m not going to have another child. Sort of. Maybe. A little. Only not.

  17. IF (in your case SIF) SUCKS!!!!! When I miscarried 2 years ago my sweet husband hid all the baby stuff I accumulated before I got home. He says we still have it all but I have yet to find it. Although, for the reasons you outlined above, I am not really looking for it.

    On another note, my hubbies mom gave us a crate of his baby stuff a few years ago. It was so sweet to pull out. If you can save a few things for X it is an amazing connection to his precious baby days, if it is too painful do what you need to do. My MIL took 5 years to get PG the first time and 6 with my hubbie. I know she put the stuff away to be “practical” if she ever needed it again because 30 years ago things were a bit different. Anyway, I think she grieved a bit when she went through them with us – I could just tell….

    Wishing you the best.

  18. I’m sorry DD. Infertility fucking sucks.

  19. I can`t even start to imagine how hard this is for you to do but I like the idea that you could be tempting the fates by getting rid of it all.

    Japanese houses are so small that I have so little storage space so I have been passing on lots of stuff, partly because I am hoping we will be home in the UK by the time we try for another baby and partly because we just don`t have the space to keep anything. I have kept a box of my favourite and most precious things though and if we don`t have more kids for whatever reason I will keep them for the grandkids!;-) When we were home this summer my Mum produced a whole heap of things from my brother`s babyhood and it was so cute to see J in stuff I remember my brother wearing!

  20. Sorry that your working on your vacation. You want to organize my garage sale? 🙂 I hate the whole pricing thing! People thinking that they can barter on clothes already priced $1!! Gimme a break!!
    Some memories are bitter sweet. Sorry you are hurting.

  21. Sorry, DD, for yet another shitty thing about (S)IF.

    Right now I keep some of the baby stuff for out of town guests with babies (because some people actually manage to have some. I know, it’s a mystery to me, too). At some point, though, it has to go. If we had to buy new baby stuff in the future? oh my, we’d be so fortunate.

  22. How heartbreaking.

    I still have nearly every piece of clothing G ever wore. When I packed them away (to save for the next one, of course), I cried at the memories then – I can’t even imagine that emotional assault now.

    Argh. One more way SIF sucks balls.

  23. This post made me cry. How heartbreaking. I am so sorry, dear D.

  24. (((HUGS)))
    KEEP the jammies!! I have a special bag of Maggie’s baby clothes.
    My favorite outfits, her coming home outfit, the Christening gown. Things that I just can’t part with.
    I had originally thought that she could use them for some of her dolls, but, I just take everything out and look at them so I can remember how little she once was.

  25. I hate going through stuff that is emotionally charged. Good luck with all of it.

  26. {{hugs}} That stinks. I’m so sorry – I know how you feel. Why does this crap have to happen?

    We got rid of our baby stuff, too. I thought it might jinx me into getting pregnant. LOL.

  27. I so can relate to this post. I had a bunch of things I got as gifts for a baby I lost and it hurt to see them but I couldn’t part with them. I felt like I was betraying the child I didn’t have. I was finally able to give them away during katrina but I still have a few things to remind me of the children I never had.

  28. Save the jammies – definetly save the jammies.

    If nothing else, you can bring them out every few years and remind X how big he’s getting.

  29. Big hugs and a box of kleenex.

    You’re a strong lady. Remember that, always.

  30. It felt as though I could feel your pain by reading your post. I am still in the packing away stage and hoping but I fear that one day too I will have to clean out all the things that I am hoping to use again. I almost hate packing it away.

    take care

  31. I’m glad it’s over. Now all you have to do is keep looking ahead.

  32. I am so sorry that you have gone through all your heartbreak over the past few years. I am hoping so hard that your new path results in a sibling for X!

  33. […] a post from 2006 when I took some time off from work to purge our storage of all baby items that we had held onto with the assumption we would have another baby. It’s […]


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