Posted by: DD | September 15, 2006

no. 273 – Emote by Remote

"DD, The letter does contain bad comparisons that fall WAY short of the true worth; however, I think the inner meaning of the message is important for you to listen to. Perhaps those who are pregnant around you sense a certain bad karmas emitting from you, either in the way you talk, act, look at them, or just your "je ne sai quoi".

"I think we all know you don’t mean to transfer any of your tragic experiences upon anyone unwilling, but when a person goes through SO MANY heartwrenching events like you have, I don’t think you can really contain it all within you.

"I’m not saying that you’re doing anything wrong, only that you may want to take an objective look at yourself and how you behave when around other people, especially pregnant women. Perhaps you feel like you are doing nothing different, but maybe if you note how they behave around you, you might see that something IS different about you? It’s just a guess.

"And I do agree that NOTHING can compare with a lost child, whether developed or not, the emotions you go through are just as strong. You seem to have a strong and good heart, I sincerely hope that you will get your miracle to help fill those holes left behind by your tragedies."

This was a comment I received from Allana in my post about You-Should-Know-What. There are several reasons I really like it, one being that it is brutally honest. Especially about how I might be emitting some kind of negative ju-ju/karma/aura to anyone that comes within my visual range that is obviously pregnant.

And she’s right. I do.

Imagine if you will that every pregnant woman has a power like Rogue from X-Men in which “she involuntarily absorbs the memories, physical strength, and,…abilities…[Wikipedia]” just by their appearance alone.

This perception leaves me much like her victims who become weak and empty husks of themselves. And I’m sure my response to the "exposure" is quite transparent as a result.

What irratates me the most is that I feel like I’m expected to not let it bother me as much as it does. My own husband rolled his eyes at me when I noted that Spears went through her second pregnancy while we are just trying for one. It’s frustrating that I can’t even express myself to the person who I am the closest to about another person who will never be affected by what I say – and quite possibly – couldn’t give a shit less as to what anyone thinks or says.

So instead of being able to vent my frustrations safely and privately, I fester and stew in my own bitter juice.  And unfortunately, since the majority of my time is NOT spent in the relative cocoon-safety of my own home, that french-nasty-ass "je ne sai quoi" is more than likely going to show up in the least appropriate manner, and that’s towards someone and something that really has nothing to do with the state of angry frustration I am in.

And I try harder to be better. I think I have put extra effort into one of the relationships I have, but the other, the one that I kept private? That relationship has deteriorated quite possibly to the point of no return. We both exposed the ugly truths to each other, and we probably will never be able to see the sweeter, happier, mysterious parts of us again.



  1. Personally I don’t feel that we should have to hide our pain or bad-vibes just because it may offend someone else… It’s not like anyone hides their happiness just for someone else’s benefit. (unless of course you are infertile! *grin*)…. Anyway that’s just my 2 cents!

  2. I agree that we shouldn’t hide out for another’s benefit, but I think we should be prepared for the worst, and that is feedback-in-kind.

    It’s a matter of how tough-skinned do we need to be to put up with “getting what we give”.

  3. I agree with Soralis that we shouldn’t have to hide our feelings to protect others – though it would be nice if we could hide them to protect ourselves.

    Never do I feel more ashamed or alone than when I catch myself resenting some poor unsuspecting fertile because she got lucky and I didn’t.

  4. I know, I behave differently around pregnant women/women with newborns/women talking about planning to have another. And they sense it. How could I not? How could they not? I also know, though, that this will pass, someday, somehow. Someday infertility will hurt less, depending on the outcome the wounds may be either healed or scarred over. But it will take time, it will have to be by my timeline, not anybody else’s.

    But in the meantime, it takes a lot of my energy to live with infertility. Therefore, I need to cut me some slack when it comes to my “bad vibes” and how other people (and myself) feel about them.

    not sure, if I made any sense at all 🙂

  5. It’s true then: it is really just in our heads. And we need to stop it because we’re infecting everyone else.

  6. In a perfect world all of you [infertiles] would NOT be expected to contain your hurt and “bad vibes” because everyone around you would have enough empathy to understand that your tragedies leave deep scars in your emotional well-being, and this is something that will manifest itself in other aspects of you no matter how hard you try to prevent it. Unfortunately we live in a world that is far from perfect and everyone around you expects you to carry on with your life as if everything is ok. Only a few will have enough empathy to not feel offended by your “je ne sais quoi”. For the others, the superficial world is what they see and what they dwell in.

    I’m sorry I cannot come up with suggestions on how to deal with this, but am only able to bring the perspective to light.

    Everyone must come up with their own unique way of dealing with their peers based on their individual situations and personalities. I can only “pass on” good karma to you…not much help, but I do feel for you all.

    (self-proclaimed empath)
    [Empathy IMO is deeper than sympathy. Anyone can hand out sympathy, which is simply expressing that they feel badly for you. Empathy is on a deeper emotional level that allows a person to put themselves in your shoes, or at least feel some semblance of your emotional state. This then gives them a better understanding of your perspective]

  7. I admit that I give off that FC “je ne sais quoi” (either that or I’ve produced a subtle body odor detectable only during pregnancy that causes those types to avoid me).

    I just can’t seem to find it in myself to give a damn.

  8. On the husband thing- yeah. I’m not one to get absorbed in potential due dates, but they do cross my mind when they occur. My husband has no idea when they occur and even if reminded, would think “why are you bringing that up?” and “what does that have to do with anything?”

    I hear ya sista…

  9. I feel like if someone who is close enough to you to know of your infertility issues gets pregnant they should also have the empathy to acknowledge that it might be difficult for you. When my closest friends and sister in law all became pregnant during the time I have tried to – every one of them acknowledged my feelings and recognized that it was difficult for me. Because these are women I dearly love, I was excited for their pregnancies and happy for them but for some reason it meant so much that all of them said “I wish it was you who was pregnant, I know how much you want to be.”

    On the other hand, co-workers, people you know casually, and people who are close to you and don’t seem to acknowledge your infertility or loss – I feel like we have no obligation to ooh and ah over ultrasound photos, attend baby showers, or kick around baby names with them when they are pregnant. I politely congratulate them and move on. I don’t really care to know anything more and don’t really see why I should be compelled to participate in their pregnancy.

    Empathy and compassion are two way streets and so is karma.

  10. Pain is pain. Period. I, for one, REFUSE to apologize for my not wanting to be uber-happy for the latest breeder in my office/the supermarket/the DMV. Nope. Not gonna do it. Yup, I’m gonna get angry and have my pity party if I want to. And yes, I’m gonna make ugly comments about people having children they can’t afford and continue asking pregnant women who bitch about their current “oops” situation why they didn’t invest in a box of Trojans. Why? PERSPECTIVE – it’s my perspective on the world and I’m gonna sing it from the rooftops when I feel the need.

    The truth is I’m not an ugly person 24/7. There are days when I can be happy for other people. I can keep my snarky comments to myself. But after awhile, there’s only so much “bottling” I can do and I’ve got to let it go. Infetility is a medical issue. It causes the same levels of stress as those experienced by people with a TERMINAL ILLNESS. And some days, we just feel like the terminal choice would be better because at least there was an end. I’m not saying it’s permanent necessarily. But there are darker moments for some that take a long time to return from.

    I don’t expect the world to stop turning just because I feel like it has. Suzanne said it best, the whole shabang is a two way street. When I feel someone reaching out to me, I reach back. If the wall is up on his/her side, I’ll sit on my wall with a hand full of stones. Sorry, I’m just not a “let’s hold hands and sing kumbaya” kind of girl.

    I agree with Kati that, in time, my views may change and the pain may soften. It’s possible. But in this time, in this momment, I will not be quiet about my pain.

    I am completely mindful that “you get what you give.” Chances are that my snarkiness or bad vibes are gonna get thrown right back at me. I can accept that. I would add though, why should I determine when a good time for someone else to deal with my pain should be? If it hurts me now, I lash out now. If that’s inconvenient for others, tough shit, because it’s inconvenient for me all the time.

  11. You just had to remind me of Britney didn’t you… I’m sure she’s a nice girl… however she got married the same day I did – we I believe swore and said something that is not printable, and now she’s had 2 kids before I have had one… so yeah – uhmm even my husband is a bit bitter about her and to say that it means something. As for holding back – I don’t. I don’t lash out at others though and while I would love to smack Britney around a few times I’m jealous of the fact she’s managed to reproduce without incident twice and I can’t seem to manage to get out of the first trimester. Now if she has number 3 I’ll really be pissed.

    Oh and you can’t be perfect, sweet, nice – all the time. We’re human and that’s not a quality (perfection) that humans possess.

  12. I’m with irshlas and the others. I am so fed up with swallowing my pain and smiling for some asshole who won’t shut-up or stop saying shit like “just relax” that I refuse to do it anymore. I will not be the one who is always uncomfortable. It’s possible to tend to my own pain without being ugly to the people around me, and I try. But it’s also possible for those people around me not to be so damned in my face with their pregnancies. It’s definitely a two-way street, and I am certainly not side-stepping anymore. I’ve had enough. Someone else has to get out of the way from now own. It’s called self preservation.

  13. You know what I’ve noticed, especially with having to learn to live with watching my daughter die? That the people around us want us to be ok with our fate, no matter what it is.
    And it’s not that they don’t feel bad for us, wonder how we could survive this, wish it were better for us. They do feel all of that. They aren’t walking around only caring about their own world. They just feel helpless because they know there’s nothing that they personally can do to change it or to help us.
    They feel helpless for us and with us.
    And it’s a wonderful lesson for us, them and the world at large when we take what we’ve been given and overcome it.
    It brings healing to ourselves and the world and a sense of hope and a feeling of peace.
    I think people inherently know that the only way to survive is to “Accept what you cannot change.”
    In living our fate, my daughter and I, I can be bitter, or make it a source of healing. I choose the latter and could only do so by accepting it and making
    ‘what it is’ be something purposeful and beautiful….For her and me, and in so doing, for the world.

  14. Irshlas brought up that infertility causes the same stress as having a terminal illness. This I think is a fitting comparison. Perhaps this is where I get my empathy for you. I am living with PKD, Polycystic Kidney Disease. While it’s not as quick as having cancer or similar, it is terminal somewhere down the line, as the kidneys eventually fail. I’m lucky because I caught it early. Most people don’t discover they have it until their forties, when the cysts have already started to damage the kidneys. In an odd twist of fate, the only reason I discovered mine early (at age 29) was because I ended being hospitalized for 2 weeks with an infected cyst. That infection in of itself made the sickest I’d ever been- I think I was septic…the infection had gotten into my bloodstream.
    I worry from time to time, especially since my severe headaches are still undiagnosed. (a possible symptom of PKD is aneurysms) but for the most part I try to live my life as normal as possible. When the time comes when I may need a kidney transplant, maybe then I may feel differently toward other healthy people. But for right now, I’m cool.

  15. Gosh.. this post made me stop and think. I’ve not been to any blogs relating to pregnancy/trying becuse it seems like so many have succeeded… and I read below the first and see this… my husbadn & I had a huge talk, about what everything (meaning TTC) is doing to me, my feelings of hatred for myself, my self worth, my frame of mind, just everything.. I told him I had to step back… and I am trying. But gosh it’s hard to be happy fo rpeople sometimes…

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