Posted by: DD | September 20, 2006

no. 275 – I’m Tired

I’m tired of feeling like sally-sob-story. I’m tired of being angry and bitter. I’m tired of feeling angry, bitter and depressed. I’m tired of writing about feeling angry, bitter and depressed.

I’m tired of writing.

I think I have forgotten why I ever started a blog. It was to help me take what was pinging around in my skull and spew it forth into so many pixels. It took on the same complexity as herding grasshoppers. I know much of what I say couldn’t possibly make more sense than if you had the capabilities of climbing into my head, but at first it helped me, and that’s of course why I started blogging, and certainly most of why I made it this far.

But I’ve been noticing this shift that quite frankly, disgusts me; I’ve become self-absorbed in my blogging. Not necessarily in my posts (feel free to disagree) but more in what I’m gleaning from the blogging. Sure there’s the comments, which I can’t seem to get enough of. But I check my stats for numbers, searches, and referrals way too often. The other day I was distressed when I noticed that recently the number of my subscribers on bloglines dropped by two. I’ve taken it personally. Pathetic? Oh, hell yeah.

It’s been ages since I’ve provided any linky-love to my comrades, which I use to do without fail a year ago. And there’s so much linkylove to give!

I also feel like my blog is a constant “tap-tap” on my shoulder reminding me that I shouldn’t have happy days. And I do. Can you believe it? I’ve had more happy days lately than I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve allowed myself to go shopping this weekend and bought new clothes for me. Clothes that fit. Clothes that do not allow me one inch of forgiveness. I was asked yesterday if I was losing weight. It’s because what little clothes I had been buying for the past two years are the kind that I can wear during a first trimester and post-partum. I’m fucking sick of that!

I also feel completely ambiguous about this next cycle, which should start any day now. We haven’t finalized a donor, and even though the final decision will be Mr. DD’s, I haven’t even bothered reminding him. Why get myself wrapped up in their careers, interests and education when clearly none of those things matter to us.

I want to climb out of this rut I’ve made and move on.

Maybe once I get back in the saddle, or at least the RE’s stirrups, I’ll regain my focus on what I’m doing here. It may be tomorrow, it may be next week. Either way, you’ll be the first to know.

But for now, I’m tired.

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Responses

  1. Ok, so…write happy things 😛 We’re happy reading about those.

    Also, if you’re absorbed in your stats, get rid of the button. I used to get really excited by mine, but after we moved blogs twice, and then didn’t really give out the URL, I quit using it as anything other than something to let us know if someone we didn’t want on our blog was there. If it’s having an impact, just take it off! Blog for you – about what you’re thinking on any given day. Sure, it might be boring as hell (mine is!), but then it’s really about YOU.

  2. Dear Gnarly Troll
    We DEMAND more writing because really.. your blog is all about we people who comment isn’t it? You mean you didn’t know?

    And what’s wrong with happy days (you think we want a wallowing, unhappy troll in our midst?)

    Happiness is good – if you apologize for it we’ll have to hunt you down and kick your butt.

    DinoD (Skanky Ho to you)

  3. I will actually keep my stats button. I want to be able to practice self-control and once I can ignore the numbers, I know I’ve remembered what I was doing here the first place.

    and dear, dear sweet Skanky Ho, if you weren’t such a forgiving hag, I would actually not be as happy. Curse you.

  4. StatCounter can be good — and it can be bad. I like it because it gives me another venue to make fun of people. LIke why the hell is someone from the INS reading my blog? Or the CIA? Coo-koo.

    It seems like lately I only look on there to see if I’ve gotten “fun” hits. Otherwise, it gets a little hoo-hum.

    I’ve got everything crossed for this cycle. Go you!

  5. I would miss you if you didn’t blog. Whether it’s happy or sad, I still look forward to reading everyday. I am just a nosy bitch.

  6. Ditto everyone else. I’d miss you a lot. Please have happy days, and please write about them. I’d hate to think you were always miserable…actually I didn’t think that anyway, but I would love to read more about your happy times.

    I’m another comment whore…I feel sad when I don’t get many comments. But then again, I don’t post comments nearly as often as I read blogs so I probably shouldn’t complain.

    I hope your break doesn’t last too long.

  7. I get sick of myself sometimes when I get into a pity party rut. But then I remember it’s my blog and I can do that if i want – or not. I think we would all rather you be genuine – happy or not so happy.
    I love stats…it just tickles me to see that people actually come to see what little old me has to say. (And I hadn’t linked you when I did my blog roll because you were PP, but this post reminded me to do it!)

  8. I get it and I am sorry. I will miss you and hope you return soon. (((hugs)))

  9. I know what you mean, and I’m tired, too. Mentally tired of my whining and physically tired from work/home/etc. I need a break. Maybe I’ll start walking again. I could use the stess relief and endorphins!
    Good luck with the cycle and the choice.

  10. I’m tired too… shall we take a nap?

    I wish you the best for this cycle and I’m envious that you’re strong enough to continue.

  11. I love reading about happy days. Do what you need to do. 🙂

  12. First let me be politically correct and say “Do what you feel you need to do.”
    And now that THAT is out of the way…. PULEEZZEE DON’T GO. Write out your grocery list… talk about doing laundry….. make fun of people at work. We want to hear the – everything! Why? ….. because A) we’re voyeurs, b) we’re nosy…. and C) oh yeah, we care about you and want to be a part of your life…. ((((hugs))))

  13. Of course you’re tired. You have every right to be. And this shouldn’t feel like work.

    Hope you find your muse again soon and I’ll be thinking about you and sending good vibes for this cycle.

  14. I don’t have a stat counter… thought about it and then couldn’t figure out how to install it or the point of doing that when I’d probably be the one most often checking my own website 🙂 Anyways sending good vibes, finalization of donor xyz, and all that good stuff your way.

  15. I understand being tired of infertility etc so well myself. I am glad though that you do have happy days and more so recently. I hope this will continue!

  16. Hi Gnarly. This “It’s because what little clothes I had been buying for the past two years are the kind that I can wear during a first trimester and post-partum” broke my heart.
    IF is such a bitch.
    Please write, self-absorbed or not. I’d miss you if you didn’t. And you don’t want that on your conscience, do you?

  17. I get the need to take a break. I really do. Some perspective is good as well, this blog should be doing something for you and if it’s not, well then you know. But in the meantime, if you do take a break, or disappear altogether, I will be thinking of you and don’t think I don’t have your email.

  18. Not suprisingly – ha – I’m feeling the same way you are. I am tired of writing sad things. I would like to write happier things, but I do feel better after I go through the process of writing. I slept a lot better last night than the night before.

    I don’t have any stat things up on my blog except for the number of comments. I think that I would go nuts if I tracked things any other way. It would be nice to at least know if people in my family read my blog. I doubt that they do, though – or at least not regularly. That’s life, right? 🙂

    Hopefully we’re both working our way back to posts full of daisies and love songs. In the meantime, at least we have ourselves and our loyal readers. Who could ask for more?

    Take care!

  19. I know, I know. My only saving grace is that I can’t quite figure out how to track stats.

    Bloglines tells me you have 6 subscribers. But you must have a lot of people who don’t use bloglines, because you get a lot of comments.

  20. Ditto your feelings of dammit-I-will-rise-above-&-be-happy!”. Listen to Jewel’s new song “Its Gonna Be Allright”. I heard it for the first time driving the other day, and while I haven’t been a fan of her skinny ass lately, that song made me stop and enjoy the blue skies. So now I’m making myself find the positives. Care to join me on my intoxicated journey? 🙂
    And, no, you may not stop blogging. I need you. What? You thought this was all about you?


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