Posted by: DD | September 25, 2006

no. 279 – Careful, My Opinions Are Showing Again

Today will be our fourth day on stims (225/day) since we got the all clear on Friday. I was surprised when our RE said I wouldn’t have to come back for another US and lab until this coming Thursday. I remember during our first two IUIs and two subsequent IVFs that I was making that crappy drive, if not every other day, every third day, so this seems rather odd.

I find I still get very nervous holding that blue pen above my thigh and I have to lock myself away in a room (or closet) from all distractions in order to get myself psyched enough to drop the needle. When I’m done, I wonder why I got so worked up. Mr. DD has been very understanding about my nervousness and said anyone would feel the same with something sharp hovering over their bare skin. I suppose so, but it’s not like it’s the guillotine.

We’ve narrowed our selections to two "in-stock" samples. One has a confirmed pregnancy, but has blue eyes; the other has not yet had a confirmed pregnancy but has hazel eyes. No one in either of our families has blue eyes. One huge advantage to stock samples is cost. We only need to purchase one frozen sample. However, if we’d select from the bank, we would have to purchase a minimum of three, just in case during the thaw things turn to shit, there’s a back-up and/or to use later in case the same donor is wanted for a sibling. Another advantage to keeping our selection from stock, if after the thaw the numbers are crap we will not be charged for a subsequent thaw of a second sample. Plus we don’t have to worry about keeping some stored away as we are not interested in trying this again in a couple years.

Mr. DD and I were talking the other day and he said he doesn’t really care as much about the physical resemblance. It’s just no longer the huge issue it use to be. If we were to get so lucky to have a baby, he would love him/her no differently than he does X. For those of you who have been around us since close to the beginning, you know that this is quite remarkable progress. I am very proud of how he’s accepted this new plan. If I had the secret phrase or action that changed his mind, I would gladly share it with those of you who are where I was 6 months ago.

As much as he has progressed, I have stalled out in regards to how to handle disclosure. I still don’t dwell on it for long. We have to get pregnant first, you know? But I read something the other day that really concerned me and I wasn’t sure if it was my insecurities coming out again. Someone made the comment that they think donor information should be required to be on the birth certificate.

Mr. DD and I both agree that it would not be fair to either X or to a child born via donor to not tell them. But I strongly disagree that a donor’s name or that even the fact a child was born with the help of ART is anyone else’s business, much less the State’s, County’s, hospital’s, or even my obstetrician’s. The only requirement that is out there now is that the statistical information be reported for the CDC by the RE.

It’s not that I would be embarrassed by the truth, I just cannot see any possible advantage to it. Donor information has as much right to being on my – no OUR – child’s birth certificate as Santa Claus’s. For us, that would mean we would have to order a paternity test the moment a baby was born. We are not using donor because it’s our only option; we are using it because our chance of conceiving using Mr. DD’s sperm is considerably diminished, but not impossible. Who’s to say that if we get pregnant this cycle that the child would positively be the result of DUI? We’ve had three pregnancies already between the two of us, and only one was through ART.

I think if it was important enough for us to realize, after over a year, that any child we should be so lucky to have would be ours and ours alone, then it’s important enough not to flip-flop and demand a DNA test to prove it. I think that has the very unpleasant stench of hypocrisy in our position. Maybe this concept seems perfectly logical to someone else in our same position, and I applaud their forward thinking. But where does one draw the line? If DUI is on the birth certificate, why not donor eggs or embryos? Do we categorize the conception as IUI or IVF? Do we break it down by type of stimulation (clomid, follistim, gonal F)? That information is privy only to the professional who assisted and the family affected…IMHO.

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Responses

  1. Damn right. I agree that the kids need to know, and I do find it troubling when I hear of families that don’t intend to tell the kids. But as for the rest of the world, its none of their damn business.

  2. I no longer offer up that The Boy is adopted, because you would never know if you met him. It’s his story and no one else’s business. Also, we applied for and received a birth certificate in our state that lists us as his parents, although it does state that he’s adopted. The only record that states his parentage otherwise lies in the archives in his country of origin.

  3. congrats on picking a donor and being so close. It does sound like MR DD has come a long way. For us, it just gets easier as we think about the end goal. Right now we just want a baby, ya know?

    I’m totally with you. I believe in the difference between secrecy (bad, imo) and privacy (healthy for all concerned because no one goes around saying how they were conceived if it involved a bottle of tequilla and a beach). I do think disclosure becomes a bit murky because I’m not embarrassed about it but it will be my kids’ stories not mine. I want my kids to know there is nothing shameful about their origins, whatever they end up being.

    I think it’s ludicrous to have donor info on a birth certificate. You will be the parents. End of story. This is what happens with all adoptions as well.

  4. The whole “in stock” thing freaks me out but makes me so glad we live in the age of technology. So, so amazing!

    I had to give myself about 500 injections (in the stomach) when I had Hailey. It look about 100 before I didn’t need total silence and 15 minutes of pre-meditation.

  5. Birth certificates are automatically changed after adoption in Montana. There is nothing that states that teenage boy has been adopted on it. It just lists me as his mother. Backdated and everything.

    It’s his story to tell so I don’t offer it up. But he is very aware. It would have been an injustice to him to try to hide it.

    Good luck with everything. I’m so excited to follow along!

  6. You’re right, it does amaze me how far Mr. DD has come…here you are four days into stims on a donor cycle. I have been thinking about you a lot and I really hope this goes well for you.
    Oh, and I totally agree with you about disclosure–what millie said about the difference between “secrecy” and “privacy” is right on.

  7. Not sure if you are worried about this, but I think regarding eye color, it’d still be more likely your kid would end up with brown eyes than blue ones even if donor has blue eyes. Plus, two brown eyed parents can have a blue eyed child (happened to my SIL, and my lovely blue/green eyed self has a daughter with the most beautiful dark brown eyes). You just never know what lurks within your own gene pool anyway.

    And regarding the donor information on birth certificates, I agree, that’s nobody’s business but the families.

    good luck, DD!!!

  8. It’s nobodies business but your own and the childs.

    I’m confused about whether the birth certificate thing was just someone’s idea of what “should” be or whether it is something that exists now or that someone is trying to put into place as a requirement.

    That’s just crazy.

    On to happier stuff . . . great taht you’re underway! Good Luck!

  9. Because it wouldn’t be monday without some assvice… I like to ice the area until it is stone cold numb before doing injections. Even tho those tiny needles don’t really hurt, the numbness always seems to give me some psychological support for jabbing myself. Just saying… Good luck! You’re on your way…

  10. DD — your concerns regarding the birth certificate are covered in the Uniform Parentage Act. Please check to see if your state follows the Act. In part, the applicable portion of the Act provides:

    “If, under the supervision of a licensed physician and with the consent of her husband, a wife is inseminated artificially with semen donated by a man not her husband, the husband is treated in law as if he were the natural father of a child thereby conceived. The husband’s consent must be in writing and signed by him and his wife. The physician shall certify their signatures and the date of the insemination, and file the husband’s consent with the [State Department of Health], where it shall be kept confidential and in a sealed file. However, the physician’s failure to do so does not affect the father and child relationship.”

    I knew studying for two state bar exams would come in handy some day!

  11. I checked and your state does not follow the Uniform Parentage Act; however, it does allow for a tax deduction for the storage of seman and other artificial reproduction techniques . . . if you’re a cow.

    To wit:

    ยง 77-2704.23. Semen and insemination services; exemption.

    “Sales and use taxes shall not be imposed on the gross receipts from the sale, lease, or rental of and the storage, use, or other consumption in this state of sales and purchases of semen and insemination services for use in ranching or farming or for commercial or industrial uses.”

    That’s nice. Maybe if you moo occassionally during the procedure, you can get the deduction.

  12. Regarding the birth certificate, Emma’s looked no different than Allisons, with the exception of the those statistics that were uniquely theirs. Emma’s birth certificate (VA) does not mention one word about adoption.

    Regarding telling children about their conception, I have found it good to talk about it and talk about it early. That being said, Emma was not the biological child of either one of us. We both adopted her. Our families know that she is adopted. We don’t have those issues that you might have with who our 4-year-old talks about it with. Emma is very comfortable with the fact that she grew in E’s tummy. That’s not to say that there won’t be issues down the road.

    I know what you mean about not wanting the paternity test because it makes you feel hypocritical. I can’t say that I agree with it entirely. I would view a paternity test in this situation akin to finding out the baby’s sex before it’s born. The baby will either have a biological link to your husband or it won’t. There will be people who would judge you no matter what. Screw them. Just as you don’t get a medal for waiting to find out the sex, you won’t get one for not figuring out the biology for certain. You know going in that there is a chance either way. How then could getting the facts be hypocritical? Sooner or later – just as with a baby’s sex, you will know for certain. Why wait? It would eliminate watching the child for this or that trait, look, mannerism from your husband. If taking the test would be hypocritical, wouldn’t such thoughts be as well? I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to point out that I think there is no reason to feel that way.

    I wish you the best of luck. I think that it’s normal to feel more hesitant just before making a life-changing decision than you did coming to the point of making it. There is a difference between theory and reality.

  13. In the UK there is now the legal right for children born using donor gametes or embryos to be able to trace their parents when they are 18. As you can imagine this has reduced the pool of donors hugely (and here sperm donors could only ever father about 10 children anyway).

    I think it’s right for children to know but it doesn’t have a place on the birth certificate – we have two forms of birth certificate for adopted children too, long and short, as I understand it the long one has everything but the short one is the one you’d carry about and just has the adoptive parents on it.

    In your type of situation (somewhat but not complete male factor) I’m not sure what they’d do in the UK – would they require the child to take a paternity test before revealing the identity of a donor? Confusing. At least with DE/embryos it’s fairly certain who the biological parents are.

  14. You and Mr. DD are the parents and should be the only ones listed on the birth cerfiticate. Period. It doesn’t matter where the sperm came from.

    Just think of how many father falsifications there already are out there in the world- maybe because the mom was unfaithful or the sperm doner/father was just plain unknown or unfit.

  15. I think it’d be weird and creepy to have that information on the birth certificate.

    Mr. DD’s new attitude is an inspiration.

    Both my parents have dark brown eyes. No one in the family has blue eyes. Both my brothers have blue eyes. We recently found a photo of an ancestor — the photo is of my great-grandmother’s GRANDFATHER. It’s ancient old. And the man obviously had pale eyes… so like Kati said, one never knows what recessive traits lurk around anyway.

  16. This reminded me of a case that is similar and different. A woman was raped, but didn’t report it. It was a date rape thing and she knew the guy. She wound up pregnant and wanted the child. Because she knew who the father was, she put it on the birth certificate and was dumb enough to tell him. Next thing she knows, she’s in a custody suit with her rapist.

    The short of it is that I wouldn’t want anyone on a birth certificate unless I wanted him to have custody.

    Of course, as a genealogist, I want truth, but that is as a by-stander, not as a participant.

    Also, I am so impressed with your husband’s evolution. He has really grown as a person with these trials.

  17. Yeah, I tend to agree. I am all for disclosure, as you know, but to put the donor on the birth certificate.. now that is ridiculous. The only people that should be there are you and Mr. DD.

    You are both doing marvellously at coming to grips with this. Good on you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. My two cents. Or five, this got kinda long.

    I have brown eyes, B has blue… G has green/brown hazel. After that, I decided eye color is not so important since apparently it’s all a crapshoot. Both your candidates sound lovely – I can only imagine how difficult it is to decide. I bet it’s at least 50 times harder than what I’m imagining.

    I don’t think it would be hypocrisy if you had a paternity test… it isn’t going to change your feelings for your child (look at me, I’ve already got you knocked up and giving birth on stim-day-4). It’s just another piece of information about your baby, and it’s probably something that baby will want to know at some point.

    .. as for ART on birth certificates? WTH?? I’ll put the info about next baby’s conception on the birth certificate the same day they make me disclose that G was conceived on my living room floor. (oooh, was that TMI?). I love the private/secret comparison Millie made, and I think it’s absolutely perfect for the situation.

    Good luck with your decisions.. these are big things. (but big EXCITING things.. I love reading your updates)

  19. Congrats on narrowing it down and on Mr. DD seeing things from your perspective!

  20. I WISH we could put both our names on the birth certificate, and I still plan on trying that when the Cricket comes. I think your name and misters name should be there. Absolutely. And of course, as for telling, our situation kinda necessitates it, but I think it’s a good thing to be honest with your children. Pretty much a life philosphy of mine that my own parents had, and it worked.


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