Posted by: DD | September 28, 2006

no. 282 – …Is The Lonliest Number

When I was kid, two of my sisters and playing in the snow after a particularly awesome blizzard. We could climb drifts that led up to and over some of the smaller farm buildings. It was on top of one of these buildings that we decided to jump from onto the smaller drifts of snow. When it was my turn, I aimed for a spot no one had jumped on yet and leapt off with the intent to land on my backside with my feet in front. Instead, the snow was not as stable and even though I had landed on my butt, I sunk much further and was stopped when my back slammed into a metal shaft discarded long ago. I lay there immobilized by the fact my breath had been knocked clean from me when I made contact.

Now if you have ever taken a blow to the stomach or back like that, your diaphragm completely freezes up. As much as you want to take a breath, you can’t and all you can do is try to remain calm until your innards stop seizing.

I experienced this feeling again this morning. After six straight days of injecting 225 IU into my thighs, and being now on CD8, my ovaries have seen fit to produce only one follicle.

One.

A year ago, same protocol, I had seven.

I have had the wind quite effectively and decisively knocked out of me. I don’t even know if I will bother with the IUI, which is tentatively scheduled Saturday morning. Sure, for a normal Fertile (and I write that with all the scorn I can muster), one follicle is…normal. Earlier this week I actually had the audacity to give myself a mind-fuck by contemplating whether I would convert to an IVF if there were numerous follicles developing or go with selective reduction. Never mind that selective reduction also requires I get fucking pregnant. If this had been an IVF cycle, there wouldn’t even be an option. It would be canceled under the heading of "poor response." So, what would one call this?

I’m very angry right now. You will never know how angry I am. I am angry with my clinic for not seeing me sooner so we could have revved up the dosage. I am angry that I can no longer say "fuck FSH". I am angry that it’s been two years that we’ve been trying to have another baby. I’m angry that we didn’t know 5 years ago that our bodies would fail us. And I’m angry that there’s really nothing we could have done to change any of these things.

But most of all, I’m angry that "ONE" seems to be the theme of this cycle: I’ve got one follicle that sits alone in my body; only one of us will be biologically linked to that fantasy child; and quite possibly this may be a sign that we are meant to only have one child.

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Responses

  1. DD,
    I am so sorry for your anguish. Would you consider doing the IUI with one? Presumably, you’ve gotten pregnant off of just one on your own in the not-so-distant past.

  2. Fuck, DD. I’m so sorry and I don’t blame you for being angry (esp at your clinic.) Let us know what you decide to do.

  3. Gosh, I am so sorry, I can’t imagine what you are going through.
    If you want to talk, feel free to email me.

  4. Oh, DD. That’s horrible, awful news.

  5. I am so sorry.

  6. I’m so sorry the news wasn’t better. It really sucks when our bodies let us down.

  7. I’m so, so sorry.

  8. Damn, DD, I’m sorry.

  9. I love you!

  10. DD – there are no “signs” in any of this (although I’ll grant you that one is not my favourite number either.) The only “sign” that you were only meant to have one child would be if both you and Mr.DD shook your heads after having X and said “we’re not gonna do this again”. Or however you would say it with your distinguished (weird?)Nebraskan accent.
    If I lived closer I would take you to a shooting range and we could put a picture of your clinic up on the target (and this for a peaceful granola eating Canadian).
    Some people’s numbers seem to fluctuate all over the place with each cycle – what does you clinic recommend? If I were you I’d probably wait and do another cycle with a higher dosage and demand earlier monitoring (waving my pistol around as needed).
    I’m sorry DD (sorry enough that I won’t even call you Gnarly Troll this time).
    DinoD

  11. I’d be angry too.

    I’d say more but honestly I know it doesn’t really help, so instead I’ll just say, “sorry…really, truely sorry”. 😦

  12. I remember during one of my IUI cycles, I had one follicle after about 15 days of stimming and Nurse I-Hate-Her-Fucking-Guts cheerfully chirped, “Well, it only takes one!” I understand your anger, the rage that you feel when your body and everything and everyone around you has failed you in some way. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.

  13. Fucking one. One sucks.

    If one were enough, chromosomes wouldn’t come in pairs.

    If one were enough, guys would only get a single ball, hanging forlornly in the middle.

    If one were enough, there would be no such thing as a sale called “Two for one” or “Buy One Get One Free.”

    If one were enough, yin would be the essence of harmony and balance.

    If one were enough…ack! I’m out.

    Nobody wants just one!!! Of anything!!!

    (Okay, okay the good things, that is. The shitty stuff…we’d rather not have any at all.)

  14. Fuck fuck fuck. Can I say that?

    It’s what I’m thinking.

    So very sorry about this.

  15. The fuck? Damn DD, that is awful. I’m so sorry. Since last year went fine, why would you even second guess the protocall this time? You wouldn’t. Don’t beat yourself up over the “if only’s”. Keeping you in my thoughts hon.

  16. Damn it, I’m sorry. Bad day for secondary infertiles all around, huh?

  17. how so very frustrating! I’m sorry, DD. I don’t think at all it was meant for you guys to have “only” one child, but who am I talking? I harbor similar thoughts sometimes.

  18. Thinking of you and sending you good vibes. I wish I could do more.

  19. Oh DD – that’s so crap. I’m sorry. Don’t chuck it all away right now though. See.

  20. Oh damn. Don’t have any advice to offer, but I’m sorry you’re in this mess. Be angry my friend- you sure as hell have a right to be.

  21. I don’t blame you for being pissed off as hell. I hope you decide to give stims one more try, maybe it’s just geting warmed up. But I do agree with you, this fucking sucks, and I’m sorry. Fucking stupid bodies never working right grumblegrumblegrumble.

  22. You haven’t asked for advice, but I’m going to tell you that if I were in the same spot, I’d go ahead and cancel, do a trigger & timed intercourse, and then if beta is a negative (which it might not be with a trigger & timed intercourse) start next month with a higher dose. 225 really isn’t a high dose at all, and it is a year later. Perhaps not doing suppression before the next round (by doing back to back) your ovaries might recruit more follicles.

    My two cents.

    No matter what you decide, I’m sure it hurts today, and for that I really am sorry.

  23. Oh no! OF COURSE you are angry, I am SO angry for you. And so sorry. How awful.

  24. Okay, let us out of our misery here – is it a go or no? I just have to know what kind of vibes to send you.
    DinoD

  25. […] the likelihood we were to get pregnant with Pokey would be a one in a million shot. However, see THIS post about what happens when you put one egg in your basket and run though a forest on five-inch heels. In other words, stranger things have happened, even […]


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