Posted by: DD | October 12, 2006

no. 291 – And Then There Was One

I started the sick and twisted dance of POAS Tuesday. I remembered that I had an extra one laying under my sink so that gave me a total of 5 to use up by Saturday if I included the new 3 pack I had bought and the one the clinic gave me.

I wasn’t sure what to make of what I saw on the first HPT on Tuesday morning, so I used another. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, making me see something I wanted so bad. Like the drug traces I would get in my early 20’s. So at noon, I bought another brand and used it at work. It was faint, but it also made me wonder. After checking for sensitivity, I used a fourth HPT Tuesday night.

I emailed a friend who replied that if it was anything but white, it’s positive, but to be sure I should buy another package. Wednesday morning’s stick was slow, but within the 10 minutes I saw the faintest of second lines. I was breathless and giddy and told no one. Not even Mr. DD. Just to see if the line was darkening, I used another HPT last night. I again saw a line, but it wasn’t necessarily any stronger than the one in the morning.

I threw caution to the wind and told Mr. DD. I was disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm, but understood since that last time I had a positive HPT, we were non-pregnant a week later.

As a lay in bed last night, I dared to dream of due dates, which I hadn’t figured but tentatively knew because of someone’s comment here. I thought about how funny it was that after getting rid of all our baby stuff I was pregnant. I regretted that it may not be a girl this time, but quickly pushed the thought away because I was going to have a baby!

I was also excited that our first DI worked. It really does only take one!

But…

And you had to know that was coming.

But, as I lay in bed, too excited and happy to sleep, I remembered another blogger who recently was testing early and she was concerned over whether the hCG trigger was in her system or not. So I googled and googled and found out the size of hCG that I took can take up to 10 days (or longer depending on metabolism) to zero out. Tuesday was day 10. My metabolism isn’t what it use to be. I fell asleep, sobered by the thought, but still hopeful.

I woke about 15 minutes ago and had to go to the bathroom. I took another HPT with me. As I sat on the toilet and watched first the sample race across the display and then the dark control line appear, my head already knew, even though my heart was racing. I looked away and then back, hoping to see what I so desperately wanted. I began to regret telling Mr. DD, since I now have to untell him when he wakes.

There was only one line.

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Responses

  1. Shit. I was so with you on this…. I wish it were the “one” you wanted (one follicle, one egg, one embryo) and not this.

    That really sucks.

  2. Oh DD, that sucks, I was keeping everything crossed through the entire post. Sorry that you had to suffer such a huge let-down after holding out hope.

  3. I never know if people want more hope or less hope in these situations (I never knew what I wanted in these situations). But I didn’t test positive with Noah ’til day 18. Just in case you want more hope.

  4. 😦 Colorado Bulldog?

    I am so sorry. Only rarely does it take “one”, right? It’d been strange if this had worked right away, right? Anyways, I wish nothing more than that this would have worked and you would have proven that “one” is enough!

    Hugs!

  5. Aaaw, sweetie. I am still hanging in there with you but you can join my pity party any time you need to.

  6. I had almost forgotten what a rollercoaster this can be….almost. I’m sorry it’s not going the way we’d hoped.

  7. BUMMER! I was really hoping this would work for you guys. This is the part of infertility that others can not understand until they have experienced it.

  8. Oh shit. I am so terribly sorry, DD.

  9. DD, you’re a big tease — the beginning of the post made me think this was it. Shucks.

    Would you throw something at me if I told you it was still really early?

  10. It’s early. And there’s still hope. Blah blah blah.

    … want an Oreo?

  11. Damn, damn, damn. But I’m still holding out a wee bit of hope that its early- if that’s okay with you.

  12. I am so sorry.
    I don’t want to tell you that there is always next time, because I am sure that is not what you want to hear. You wanted it THIS time.

  13. Oh for fucks sake! Even though you’re probably sick of hearing it – I’m really sorry. It’s all a total mindfuck.

  14. POAS madness is something we all fertility challenged women can relate too. And the false hope, the defective test, the telling people too early.
    I guess it probably isn’t any consolation to say you’re in good company?
    At any rate, because AC was a low beta baby who only had an hcg of 40 at 15 dpo, I’m holding out hope until you get a beta done.
    {Hugs}

  15. Dear Gnarly Troll
    Get a grip girl. Right now all you have done is ensure that the trigger has left the building (being the temple of the soul and all that).
    You only did the IUI 2 weeks this coming Saturday, right? And it takes longer then with IVF where the whole “lets confine them to a petri dish” makes things happen a little quicker.
    I am sorry about the mind fuck with the trigger but I am not writing this cycle off yet (it was a long shot but it’s still possible and your HPTs are not likely that accurate at this stage).
    Ah no, I am not just in denial (I’m actually in Canada but you already know that). If it is negative on Saturday then I’ll be convinced and then on to the planning of the next, right?
    Skanky Ho

  16. Early, still hoping, blah blah blah. You’ve heard all of that.

    Damn it.

  17. FYI: No betas with IUIs. Positive pee test equals a subsequent beta. Negative pee test equals consolation prize of “call us with CD1!”

  18. I’m so very sorry. Untelling is so hard. Seegin one line is so hard. It’s all so hard.

  19. Ugh, so sorry.

  20. Groaning. I hate one line. Hate it. I’m sorry.

  21. You led me along, all the while I kept trying to remind myself of the title. I’ve learned that with you – take the titles seriously, whereas my titles are usually tangential nonsense. Speaking of which, I sure wish this nonsense was easier.

  22. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  23. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  24. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  25. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  26. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  27. I am so sorry. I hate the one line more than anything in this world.

  28. those darn trigger shots messing with a girl’s head. Saturday is still far away though!

  29. POAS are pure torture, no way around it.

    I hope it was just too early…

  30. Still keeping all the digits crossed for you.

  31. I hate POAS though I am a bit of a recovering addict of them. Sorry for the one line, but as dinod said – it’s a bit early nature has to do the work etc etc. So I’ll help with the planning of the next, but am still holding out hope for this cycle.

  32. Well that just SUCKS!

    So sorry! 😦

  33. Awwwww, DD,
    I heart you.

    Holding out hope til Saturday.

  34. HPTs all suck. I know you know that. You know I think it’s too early. But it always sucks to see that single line, no matter if you know it might be different in a day or two.

  35. I’m sending warm hugs and soothing thoughts.

  36. Dinod is exactly right. Just because the trigger is out doesn’t mean that you’re not going to implant in a few days. I’m so sorry about the emotional rollercoaster that all of this brings DD. I know how much it takes out of you.
    I’m not giving up hope yet.

  37. Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry, but just as the others have said – just because the trigger is out, doesn’t mean that the news is necessarily bad. Still – single lines suck.

  38. Call me optomistic, but I’m holding out for Saturday too.

  39. I’m so sorry to hear your crappy questionable test results. I was really, really hoping this would be the one. I know I’m whining today, but this just isn’t fair! Why can’t life be fair for just one day!

    I’ve been meaning to give you a call to check in, but I lost my stupid cell phone! I should have my new one in the next couple of days. Take care. I’ll be thinking of you.

  40. Shit, I’m sorry. *sigh*

  41. Sucks. I think you were very unlucky to have that line show up 10 days after the shot. That is a real mindfuck.

    Damn, where did all the good karma go??


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