Posted by: DD | October 14, 2006

no. 294 – This Evening’s Performance has Been Postponed

Fatladysings_1I didn’t bother testing yesterday. I didn’t see the point. This morning I used the test that the clinic sent home with me and I got a positive.

Yes, you read that right.

I used the one left over FR because I figured the test was crap, even though I knew false positives were rare. I got a very pathetic and week second line.  Julie from A Little Pregnant would have not only needed the light from a thousand suns but the flash from a nuclear reactor as well to pick up the second line.

And not to sound completely ungrateful, but the first thing I said was, "Oh, shit." because I know a faint line like that means two things: a call to my clinic to get a beta ordered; and a low subsequent beta. And knowing that I’m "barely" pregnant and that the chances are slim that this will make it to the next beta, I have ever the slightest sliver of hope to tuck into my gown’s bodice tonight and therefore I won’t be doing any partying.

The nurse who called me with my beta also thought I should increase my progesterone to 3 suppositories a day. I confessed that I had stopped taking them Wednesday and she promptly admonished me. Yeah, because that will make me feel so much better about my choice! Bitch.

I’ve been given a script for folic acid, prenatals, and a repeat beta will be done Monday morning. My husband is angry at me for not being happy and thinks we should really end this journey once this chemical pregnacy ends if this doesn’t work out.

Make sure you hold your tickets for the Fat Lady’s show. I’m fairly sure it has not been cancelled, just postponed. I’m really sorry that I appear ungrateful and unhappy. How can I be excited knowing the odds? Knowledge is power, they say. However right now I wish I was like a normal woman excited to know that I am pregnant.

But I’m not normal. I will never be normal again.

For those of you who love to crunch numbers, here are the details:

Beta 33

P4 18.2

E2 175.9

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Responses

  1. DD, I can understand why you feel a little down besides the positive news that did show up after all. But I’m happy for you!

  2. I’m completely with you. The further up your hope rises, the longer and harder the drop down is. It is so difficult to get your hopes up when you know the reality of it all. If it helps, I have some hope here for you!
    karenpince

  3. Ok, according to the betabase the lowest reported HCG level for 14dpo is 5. And that’s for pregnancies confirmed with a heartbeat. So again, let’s not get too hasty in our pessimism.

  4. I’m going to keep hoping, whether you like it or not.

    🙂

  5. Wow, I’ve missed a lot! Can I kick that fat lady in the ass??? I would so love for her not to show up!

  6. I have my fingers crossed.

  7. Huh. That’s…interesting?

    (really i’m doing cartwheels inside but i’m being subdued for you)

    I’ll hold my ticket but I would love nothing more than to rip it to shreds and stuff it in her mouth.

  8. Damn, I’ve been MIA for a few days and this happens. So, I’m rooting for you hon! I know things seem bleak right now but you will know more soon. Monday can’t come quick enough, most of all for you. I’ll say a little prayer for you.

  9. My stomach is doing flip-flops. I hope you get to your celebration soon, dear DD!!!!!

  10. I’m just sitting here. I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m Switzerland. But just know I am switzerland for you.

  11. You go ahead and continue to expect the worst, I understand. But we will all be hoping for you.

  12. I know it’s hard to have your hopes up–the higher they go, the harder the fall. So instead, I’ll keep mine up for you. I think I’ve lost my ticket for the performance…

  13. Well well well. Waiting with you.

  14. Okay, I’ve kept my digits crossed for you, which is really hard to do in 5 inch heels, so I hope this is the real deal! Also, I will be tipping one back tonight in your honor. Keep us posted.

  15. I hope the Gimlet sticks, but we can all think about it again another day.

  16. I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. (insert groan for bad pun here) Take care, Leslie

  17. Ummm, holy shit woman. I’ll just keep thinking really good thoughts and wishing I could give you a big hug. You know, casually optimistic of course…

  18. Shit, Fuck & Damn. Wanna split a cheesecake and bitch? *hugs*

  19. Holding onto my tickets, but fervently hoping that the show gets cancelled.

  20. Dear Gnarly Troll
    This can only be making you even more gnarly. I said I’d chuck in the hope thing if you had a negative today and you didn’t (not technically, admit it).
    So Monday is now the big day – hang in there.
    Skanky Ho

  21. Can I let you in on a secret? I live in fear of the day I get a positive. Negatives suck but at least they’re familiar and don’t bring worry.

    I’ll be cautiously optimistic for you anyway, ok?

  22. Boy- you can’t ever do anything all the way can you- no resounding negative, no resounding positive. I really hope its just a slow grower, but I can understand why its hard for you to muster much enthusiasm. I’m sorry for the uncertainty, but I hope it leads to something good.

  23. Like everyone else here, I have everything crossed that you won`t have another disappointment. I really really hope things work out this time.

  24. Hello. This is my first comment on your blog so firstly wanted to say how much I’ve enjoyed reading……… I don’t know if you want hope or not, but if you do, here goes. I’ve been pregnant 4 times and have one child. The 3 pregnancies that didn’t work out (1 missed mc, 1 early mc, 1 chem preg), I had strong positives from the first test. The pregnancy that became my very healthy little boy, the first test was so faint I really needed to squint. It was barely any darker when I tested again after 2 days or after 4. I was more than a week late before I had a strong line. Same brand of test each time. So in my experience line strength and outcome are not necessarily related.

  25. So I go away ONE night and come back to this? Gosh…what am I supposed to do now? Be happy? Be carefully optimistic for you? Well, until I figure it out, I keep my fingers crossed, and for fucks sake I need some hope in my little world. I do hope here. I do hope that this will work out so good….am staying so tuned in.

    Good luck sweety! Hugs!

  26. I agree with what Suzanne said — and it’s a good things you did the earlier tests, because now you know your numbers aren’t from the trigger.

  27. Blimey that sucks. I’m not going to blow false hope up your ass because you’ve been here before. But you know that hope is in the buildling, right?

  28. Building. In the building. I can spell, really.

  29. Hm, very interesting. Not wanting to say I told you so but…

    I know you’ve been there before but keep in mind, this cycle really is different. But you know that right?

    Looking forward to continued good numbers. And no singing.

  30. When I tested positive the last time I was the exact same way. I went upstairs and couldn’t even look Victor in the eye. I just laid down on the floor and told him. He never stopped playing his video game.

    After being burned so many times it’s easier to just not get your hopes up. But then we had Hailey. And I now believe in miracles. I’m hoping for a miracle for you.

    Hugs.

  31. Oh, sweetheart. I’m thinking of you and adding my big hopes to your blog friends’ huge pile.

    I’m wishing I were in your neck of the woods rather than in the Northeast right now, so I could give you the hug you need.

  32. I have to work harder to keep up with my reading!

    I hear how you’re feeling but I can’t help but feel this is “good” . . . I hope today’s numbers prove your intuition wrong, really wrong. As in very pregnant wrong.

    In the sad crushing case you are right, I am still very hoepful that this means diui may be the ticket to your dreams!

    Hand in there sweetie . . .

  33. My fingers never uncrossed DD. I just had a feeling. Sending hope and strength.

  34. Wow, that Fat Lady is sure sending mixed signals! I hope this was just a late implanter and your next beta will be at the “proper” level this next time… will keep hoping for you!

  35. […] when you put one egg in your basket and run though a forest on five-inch heels. In other words, stranger things have happened, even though they can (and did) end badly. Very […]


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