Posted by: DD | October 18, 2006

no. 298 – If It Weren’t For My Horse…

(In case you were wondering, no, there are no symptoms. The only thing I do know is that there has been no bleeding, which isn’t saying much considering the progesterone. I’ve already a dozen posts or more drafted in my head in the real possibility that Saturday will not be a good day)

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Several years ago, Mr. DD and I had the great opportunity to see Lewis Black live at The Metro. We use to make trips there at least bi-annually to see many of the head-liners out there before we had X. Since then, it became hard to get a babysitter to stay overnight, which we would need since a trip to and from is 5 hours and most shows are in the evening.

Anyway, what I actually wanted to do was share with you one of my all time favorite bits from Lewis Black’s show (which is part of The White Album). When Mr. DD and I get confused over something or can’t think of something to say in a social setting, one of us will instinctively offer up this line:

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Here’s the whole bit as it was provided to wikiquote:

When from behind me, a woman of 25 uttered the dumbest thing I’d ever heard in my life … She said, ‘If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.’

I’ll repeat that. I’ll repeat that because that’s the kind of sentence that when you hear it, your brain comes to a screeching halt. And the left hand side of the brain looks at the right hand side and goes, ‘It’s dark in here, and we may die.’

She said, ‘If it weren’t for my horse…’ as in, giddy up, giddy up, let’s go – ‘I wouldn’t have spent that year in college,’ a degree-granting institution.

Don’t! Don’t think about that sentence for more than three minutes, or blood’ll shoot out your nose.

The American medical profession doesn’t know why we get an aneurysm. It’s when a blood vessel bursts in our head for no apparent reason. There’s a reason. You’re at the mall one day, and somebody over there says the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard and it goes in your ear. So you turn around to see if your friends heard it, cause if your friends heard it, and you can talk about what the jackass said, then it’ll be gone. But your friends are over here, pretending they’re gonna buy a cellular phone, and they’re not gonna buy a cellular phone, because they don’t even understand how the rate structure works.

So you turn back, to find the person who said it, because if you can ask ’em a question like, ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT?!’ then it’ll go away. But they’re gone. And now those words are in your head. And those words don’t go away. Cause the way I see it, 7% of our brains functions all the time, because 99% of everything that happens is the same old stuff. We get it. All right. Move on. Get it. Right.

But every so often, somethin’ like that happens: ‘If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.’ So your brain goes, ‘LET’S FIGURE IT OUT! Son of a bitch! I wonder what that’s about!’ I wonder, was she riding the horse to school? No, she wouldn’t be riding the horse to school. Maybe it was a polo pony; she had a polo pony scholarship. Maybe she sold the horse and that’s how she – she was betting on the horse!

WHAT THE FUCK?!!

And then you realize that anybody who went to college would never say anything that stupid in public. And as soon as you have that thought, your eyes close and the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.

Each time I read this, I hear Lewis’s voice, his intonations, his timing  (which is impeccable) and I see his angry, red face and his finger jabbing the air as if he was trying to force the atmosphere to stay put and I smile.

Sometimes I even laugh. And right now that feels good.

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Responses

  1. I really like lewis Black too. He gets it.

  2. I must live under a rock because I have never even heard of Lewis Black. I must remedy this.

  3. J and I went to see Lewis Black about 1 1/2 years ago. It was awesome! A lot better than the stints on the Daily Show.

  4. I have never heard of Lewis Black either?

    Wishing you the best on Saturday!!!

  5. LOL! That is so funny.

    I will be thinking of you on Saturday, DD!

  6. We LOVE Lewis BLack. Even my son does the candy corn bit.
    Crossing fingers for Saturday.

  7. I ovulated on August 1. I took my first ept on August 11 because we were going on vacation and I wanted to enjoy a few drinks. It was negative. I felt like I was getting my period the whole time we gone and had my usual pre period spotting on August 14. We got home on the 15, I took another test on the 16th, out of curiousity and got a faaiinnttt positive. Went to the doctor, started the progesterone that day and the rest is history. If it weren’t for the progesterone, I know, KNOW I would have had another early miscarriage.

    All I’m saying is have hope. It can happen, this can work. I never thought it would and it did.
    And if you can’t be hopeful right now, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

  8. I think the horse died and she was able to move on. My horses die and I lug them around.

    All my best for Saturday.

  9. I’m on the ground here. Seriously, tears rolling down my face!

  10. Saw Lewis Black – before I knew really who he was. We just went because he was teamed with Dave Attell. People in our conservative, southern audience began razzing him and he let them have it. I mean really. I stood up and cheered, which embarrassed my husband to no end.

  11. I had no clue who Lew Black was until last weekend The-Husband rented one of his DVDs. TOO Funny. I love that finger in the air!

  12. I want to know if you’ve sold your house yet.

    I’ll have to rent some of this guy’s stuff. I could use a good laugh.

  13. You made me laugh too. Love him. Love you. Oh, it’s a love fest in this here computer. Now I will be appropriating his comments for my own use, if you don’t mind.

  14. I love that bit. I also love when he says that we know what the colors red and green taste like thanks to red and green cough syrup.

    We saw him in Madison a few years back. He was hilarious.

  15. I missed your bombshell posts, dammit. I am crossing everything for you for Saturday.
    Love LB too. My favorite is when he saw two Starbucks across the street from each other and decided that meant it was the end of the world.

  16. I’m with Menita on this one–I can still picture him asking “Who was the jackass who stood in that empty storefront, staring at the Starbucks across the street, and thought ‘This would be a great place for a Starbucks.'” I’ve loved him since I first saw him on the Daily Show, which is one of my favorite programs.

    Saturday is only two more days. I’m still hoping and praying for good news for you and Mr. DD and X.

  17. I knew I loved you for a reason!! Lewis Black is the voice of reason in my head….. I saw him live in Biloxi at the Grand Casino a few weeks before Katrina dropped the Grand a few blocks from my house. I’m glad hubby and I aren’t the only ones who repeat that line everytime a moron in this town starts speaking. Of course once he’s done with law school, hubby says I can be his personal ball washer… ya know, because that’s what a REAL rich guy would do 🙂

  18. That is so funny and SO TRUE! I want to ask stupid people I overhear all the time- what are you SAYING?! I also get the overwhelming urge to correct people I’m eavesdropping on if I hear them say something that is TOTALLY wrong lol. I thought I had heard of Lewis Black but I just googled him and I was SO WRONG lol.

  19. I’ve never heard of LB either. But damn this is funny stuff!

  20. […] be dumbfounding. Comedian Lewis Black made this point in his bit about overhearing a woman say, “If it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college” where he proposes his theory that hearing something that stupid out of context could cause a […]


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