Posted by: DD | October 25, 2006

no. 302 – State of Being

There’s too many distractions right now today and I can’t seem to focus on work, so I’ve decided to mingle with you today, instead. Don’t you feel all special now?

X woke up again last night with a "tummy ache" so he and I slept in the spare bedroom. At 5:00 a.m. I woke to the sound of his moaning and thrashing. We had just made it to the bathroom when he threw up. Dark, nasty stuff. Mr. DD took him to the peds who temped him at 103.7 and took an x-ray of his guts to see if he was blocked. Nothing but air. We now have a script for antibiotics and one, tired unhappy little man.

We have decided to not tell anyone about my own “medical condition”. I cannot for the life of me refer to it as anything else. A pregnancy implies a baby. A condition is just that: a state of being, which is usually temporary. As to how temporary remains to be seen.

Even though there are a few reasons why we will not tell, including having to untell; buttloads of unwelcome assvice; answering how and why when for the most part we had told everyone we are done trying; our main motivating factor is to protect our son.

At 2 ½ he didn’t understand what a little sister or little brother was. He does now. And X has a memory like a steel trap inside of an elephant’s head. His recollection of things both astounds and frightens me. No way could I ever bear the repeated question, “What happened to my baby brother/sister?” if things go wrong, whether sooner or later. It would suck having to tell him that it wasn’t going to happen, and it would suck for me to hear the questions over and over again.

So we will not tell our close friends, our co-workers, or even our parents. For the people who know me in real life that read this, you must never let on. I’m already concerned about the possible rumors since the blood work has been done where I work. I have friends in coding. I know the people in billing. I will deny, deny, and deny any and all “rumors” and questions to the like.

And today as I notice any symptoms I may have had wane, I am struggling to remain calm. I don’t think I can muster optimistic or hopeful. Calm will have to do. If the pregnancy is already done, there’s nothing I can do about it but try to keep up a brave front for Mr. DD. I’ll save they hysterics and keening for the work bathroom.

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Responses

  1. What a tough place to be emotionally. And I hear you on protecting your son. He was almost 5 during my last miscarriage and remember how knew something was up even though we didn’t tell him? He thought mommy & daddy were breaking up?
    Not trying to spew assvice, but it sounds like X and The Cutie Pie are quite similar personalities (eg, memory like a steel trap). I wouldn’t presume to tell you to tell him, but don’t be surprised if he’s in tune to something being up anyway.
    If I get PG from this upcoming FET I have no plans to tell the Cutie Pie until I see a heartbeat at minimum, if not much later.

  2. Calm sounds good to me. Just keep it up.

  3. You are wise to not let on until well past the 1st trimester. If I were in your shoes, I’m not sure I’d say anything to anyone until I hit the 24th-25th week or so. You can hide a little tummy until then, can’t you? Could always blame it on “holiday weight gain?”

    Don’t let the symptoms (or seeming lack thereof) freak you out too much. Hopeful fertile thoughts your way, sweetie!

  4. No assvise here, I have no kids and am not pg no I’ve got nothing to offer, not that I would anyway.

    I have seen many a friends in the same situation as you with little X and the tell or not to tell game. It is so tough, but by protecting him you are also protecting yourself. I really hope things go well this time.

    I understand the whole tough at work thing. I work at a hospital and my IVF clinic is here, so I see my providers frequently. In fact I just saw one at the cafeteria. I don’t plan on telling work for a while, should I have any good news to share, but I am afraid that my co-workers will read into any sign they can. They already are starting to wonder where I disappear to these days when I am gone for b/w or an u/s. Those nosey bastards.

  5. I hope your condition = pregnancy!
    I’m sure it’s difficult right now. Just know that there are a lot of people hoping for you!
    I will save you any other ass-service. 🙂

  6. Gawd, I hope there is no need for hysterics or keening. Keep the calm coming.

  7. I’m sorry that you’re feeling unsettled. I’m sorry that you have the right to feel that way. I’m sorry that you even have to debate about whether or not to tell X.

    This sucks. I’m holding on to hope that it will all be well though.

  8. Hope litlle X gets to feeling better real soon! Dark vomit is scary, wonder what it was? As for your condition… I hope it is chronic and requires no further treatment until D-day.

  9. I hope X is feeling better soon.

    I can completely understand not telling anyone in order to protect X. We were planning to tell last time after the first u/s (but J spilled the beans a scant 10 days after we found out–thank G-d everything turned out OK), but next time it will be at least 12 weeks before we tell anyone. Untelling must be the worst thing in the world, especially with a child who understands just enough to not fully understand.

    I hope that your “medical condition” lasts for a good, long while…say, the next 8 months?

  10. A lot of people don’t let on until after the first trimester- I think people should respect your privacy and stop asking!!

  11. Yay for having a “medical condition”!! I’m all about not telling until you absolutely have no choice. But, I will be secretly, quietly excited for you!

  12. One more day. Hang in there. I know the uncertainty is unbearable right now.
    And even at 14 weeks, I do this too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of going out to buy sticks to pee on just to reassure myself. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny.

  13. Totally understand the feeling. Here’s hoping that X feels better shortly and that well Friday is here and good news will be present. I’m hoping for the best for you guys…

  14. Yep, I get it. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself some peace.

  15. Good for you keeping your cards close. I hope the people around you respect that.

    It’s so hard for you walking around, declaring, “Prove me wrong. Just prove me wrong,” about this pregnancy. It’s difficult wanting to be wrong with every breath.

  16. Calm is the word of the day. I’m sending you calm thoughts.

    And btw I do feel all special now. Thanks for the mingle.


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