Posted by: DD | October 30, 2006

no. 306 – Fear and Loathing in Nebraska

Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and being quite the Debbie Downer. But let’s get one thing straight: you usually see me here at either my worst or my best, however do not think that I am  laying in my bed under the covers with a pile of crumpled tissues forming a small mountain on the floor. You can take credit for much of that. You help me remember that sometimes odds do get beat even though the one thing I can say is I have never been very lucky so I don’t foresee me becoming the next Infertility Urban Legend.

And don’t take it personally because you all have been wonderful, but I don’t feel much like commenting even though I’m reading religiously.

I am trying to come to grips with what Friday’s tests showed. You all were thinking it (blighted ovum), but bless you for giving me a fingernail’s grip on something until Thursday, which is when my RE wants to see me directly. No more scans done locally. She wants to be the one to either hammer the final nail or give me news of a miracle.

The other reason I have a tendency to dump my heaviest burdens here is because of Mr. DD. Not that he can’t or doesn’t want to support me. But right now, things are…tenuous, at best as for what the future holds in further treatments. If I cannot keep it together in his immediate presence, he feels horrible that I feel horrible and if the reason I feel horrible is the direct result of treatment, well then obviously we must stop treatment. Male logic at its finest.

Today I am 6w2d, and there’s nothing more I want than to feel like I’m 6w2d. Instead, there’s nothing. I don’t have to stop myself from dreaming about a summer baby, I just don’t. I’ve never said it, because I knew it would jinx things, but at this point it really won’t matter, but my due date was right before I turn 40. Instead, if Thursday is conclusive to what everyone is thinking, then November will become twice the Month O’ Crap since that’s when I lost Vivienne, two years ago. Is it possible to have the same D&C Anniversary for two babies? What are the odds?

Oh, yeah. That’s right. I can beat all the obscure and undesirable odds, just not the one I want.



  1. Well, heavy sigh. I’ve been away for the weekend and unable to check the net. I’m sorry that you’re still in limbo. Will be thinking of you…

  2. Still holding out hope because it’s all I have to hold out to you.

    Hang in there. We’d love for you to be that urban legand.

  3. Oh, DD. I can’t even imagine the limbo you are in right now. I too experience, not understand, the whole male logic thing. My DH is so against donor and I can’t figure out why, especially since he wants to adopt. Last night he got all weird when I brought it up again as a faster and less expensive option than adoption. He told me he is ready to just stop all this insanity because he doesn’t like our quality of life, not understanding that if we can change one little thing the quality of life would be sooo much better. I know it was a huge step for you to get to DIUI so I am still holding out some hope that this will work and you will be able to put the “what if’s and what’s next” behind you. Still holding out hope….

  4. I don’t think they even call it blighted ovum any more – it’s a horribly inaccurate term as who knows where the problem is.

    That scan was early. It is possible things will be ok. I know it is not a good situation, but it is possible.

    Hold onto possibility perhaps, because hope is too hard.

  5. I don’t know what to say. I’ve been away for the weekend and I was so hoping that you had conclusive news on Friday. Nothing can ever be easy and that is what is hardest to take. That after everything else, you still have to wait.
    I’m sorry this is happening and my thoughts are with you for better results on Thursday.

  6. Hang in there. You are strong.

  7. I was serious when I said I didn’t expect a heartbeat quite yet (You weren’t even 6 weeks pregnant at the time of the scan, right?). I understand that it’s much harder for you to be hopeful though, so I just be it for you, okay?

  8. I am truly deeply sorry for your pains. I can only cling to “possibility”. And I will keep you in my prayers, hun. {{hugs}}

  9. I wanted this for you so much. I still do.

    Steady the course.

  10. What Wavery says- I want this so much for you. I really hope the odds are in your favor. This is such a crappy place to be.

  11. Just catching up.. hope everything works out for you!!

    Take care

  12. just catching up also. what a tremendous suck. thinking of you in this limbo, and although i’m not the praying kind, i’ll certainly be muttering “let it work out for DD” thoughts for you…

  13. I haven’t commented before this because I can’t think of anything that doesn’t sound trite. Your posts have brought back vivid memories for me. I’m defintiely hoping you get that miracle everyone keeps talking about. Limbo sucks. Thinking of you….

  14. Hang in there. I’ve got everything crossed, even braided my hair.

  15. *Is it possible to have the same D&C Anniversary for two babies? What are the odds? Oh, yeah. That’s right. I can beat all the obscure and undesirable odds, just not the one I want.*

    Yeah uhmm totally know how you feel about the above. Next year on June 15th I’m spending it hiding under the covers. I’m not even going anywhere as well… shitty news was abundant on that day. My hope for you is that that will not be the case. I want this for you and damnit I think it’s about time I got what I want… so I’m waiting patiently for the u/s that hopefully will not put the nail in the coffin, but open that little box up and we can all jump for joy. Know I’m thinking about you and hoping and praying for the best.

  16. Oh yep, that’s a guy alright. Logical just like mine. Sorry you’re feeling discouraged DD. Still holding out hope. I want time to slow down and speed up at the same time.

  17. I’ve blocked out the anniversary of my D&C. Seriously. It only hurts to remember. Better to forget.

    Victor was the same way with wanting to quit. He was so torn up by watching me struggle with ACLS that he just wanted to stop and he made me promise that if it didn’t work with the last pregnancy we’d just give up. I promised even though I knew I’d break that promise.

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