Posted by: DD | November 6, 2006

no. 312 – How I Am Slowly Driving Myself Insane…OR…Me, Obsessive? Pffft.

I’m not sure if I should take the overall silence on the last post as confirmation of my view on the Common Thread as unpopular, or if I just suck. Oh, both you say? Good, glad we cleared the air.

Mr. DD dropped a bombshell on me after I got home from last Thursday’s doctor’s appointment. He said that if I had received the news that we both had expected (Wolf = Dead), he would have told me he was done — that we are done. The reason? Because I seem to have become obsessed.

When he told me that, the very first thing that popped into my head was this post from Barren Mare from over a year ago. Of course getting pregnant…and staying pregnant…has been at the forefront of my head for two years now. It’s because ultimately I’m the one to make sure I get to the doctor’s clinic; I’m the one to remember to take my meds every fucking day; it’s my body that will be to blame if this pregnancy goes to the shitter!

This is where his head is at: he was gone this weekend. He left late Friday nite. He returned late last night. As soon as he got home, I had him do my PIO. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about those…what did you do Saturday for your shot?" I took the suppositories instead, I told him, but inside I was grumbling that he never gave it a second thought.

Or how about this one: when I called him last Thursday to let him know there’s hope, but the embryo is measuring 3 days behind where I was, which was 6w5 days, he said to me, "You’re almost 7 weeks already? How is that possible? We just did the IUI." What I wouldn’t give to feel as if these past 5 weeks had gone by in just a blink of an eye! What I wouldn’t give for him to feel just a little bit of my "obsessiveness". What I wouldn’t give for me to feel some of his oblivion.

Nearly every waking moment is torture. Last night before my husband came home I was sitting in the bedroom and I just started sobbing. I have no idea what I was thinking about, probably how stupid it was for him to say, "we’re done" when we don’t even know if we’ll make it to the next appointment. I mean, do I really need the added pressure at this point that if Wolf up and dies on us, we will be done, finished, kaput?! How does one NOT obsess about that? And how do I now make it through my days in silence since anything I say will be just one more thing for him to accuse me of obsessing about? To top it off, I’m scared witless to go to the clinic again on Thursday, because if my luck has run out, I don’t know how I’ll make that 2 hour trip back home by myself. And I don’t want to go to the OB’s office here again since I think that US tech was a whore (and she also was the one who happen to deliver the news that there was no longer a heartbeat with Vivienne).

I just wish I could have one moment where everything was perfect. Just one.



  1. Honey,
    Men are just oblivious to emotions for the most part, especially if they just don’t want to deal with us being emotional and sad. They don’t know how to handle it, us being sad is not something they can “fix” so it is out of the realm of understanding.

    You do know that if any one of us bloggers were closer to you we would so go with you to your appointment and hold your hand and hug you whether in joy or sorrow. So just remember that you have many people who will be with you in spirit and you can feel free to smack our invisible selves if we start to irritate you. Deal? Take care and you know I can’t talk about that other thing without cursing you, so what else do you know? 😉

  2. We all understand obsessing. Aren’t all infertiles obsesssive? I think we’d be a little worried if you didn’t obsess over this. How can a woman not obsess about about something we want so badly, but have so little control over? And because we have so little control, we obsess even more about the few parts we can control like shots. Hang in there. I’m praying for your perfect worryfree moment to come soon.

  3. I agree with what Shanna said. Men are just…oblivious is a good word. Even the best of them either can’t grasp what it is to walk in our shoes, and constantly want to resolve things, fix things. And in this whole process there is so little that is clear cut that it drives them up the wall.
    I wish we could be there with you on Thursday.

  4. Oh . . . I feel for you. My husband is deaf, so he never heard my obsessiveness. But, seriously, Dawn I think you are totally normal. Truth be told, I think a large majority of us infertiles were THAT obsessed. And, yes, we drove everyone around us crazy.

  5. What pressure to put on you. Regarding this whole obsessing thing there is an underlying assumption that obsessing is bad. I know that sounds silly, but the truth is we are infertile and cannot have children easily. Instead of obsessing you could be depressed and withdrawn. I think obsessing is just a way to look for support and explanation. I too agree that it takes over your life but if you are the person I think you are you handle many things with some level of “obsession” – that is not a knock, I am the same way and prefer it to be stated as very thorough rather than obsessive. You can choose to deal with it and possibly obsess, or sweep it under the table and let it affect you and your relationship in other ways that are not good.

    Unfortunately ending your fert treatments is a decision you both have to make – together that is. If one person is not ready to stop and the other is there needs to be compromise. I am sorry you are in this position, especially considering your stressful situation.

  6. Men. Victor did the same thing. So on top of all the normal worry I also added panic that this would be our last shot. Men are idiots sometimes. But they’re idiots for a good cause I guess.

    I don’t suppose you live in Texas, do you? If you do I’ll come give you a ride.

  7. My husband is pretty in tune to my feelings, but when he drops the ball, he drops it big time by saying something totally insanely stupid that I then have in the back of my mind for years. Nice.

    I am with you on the obsession – it’s impossible to talk yourself out of it. Especially when you are thisclose to your goal.

    Praying that the Wolf hangs on there and that you are able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy! I can’t wait to hear about it as it progresses!!

  8. How can you not obsess? How is that even possible? My husband said the same thing pretty much to me about obsessing … which made me even obsess more. It’s impossible to not “think” and obsess – I wish it were easier.

    For what it’s worth, you and Wolf are in my thoughts. I’m obsessing right along with you.

  9. You? Obsessed? I think definitely yes. But, who wouldn’t be in your case. Keep your head cool girlie and reach your goal. I’m routing for you!

  10. I think all us IFers are obsessed – it is the only “control” we have in this jacked up world. How else would we cope?

    I hope Wolf continues to grow and develop and the point is moot… but I know that his comment must be gnawing at you – it would me!

  11. So…who’s really obsessing here? You or your husband? Because your emotions seem pretty normal and expected, whereas Mr. DD doesn’t seem to know how to handle his. I agree that you and he are in a tough spot, because he seems not to be able to support you through this, ahem, “high need” time. What all of us wouldn’t give for those magic words spoken by our significant other at just the right time (whatever those words might be).

    However, I want to say, that for my two cents, his problems should stay with him. Continue to be who you are, let it out, don’t bottle it up. You cannot be responsible for whether or not he can support you…give him the credit for doing that, and don’t second guess exactly how much you should reveal. All of it, I say! And tell him that you respect him enough to know he’ll handle it gracefully and support you just like you need, which is why you’ve decided to no longer keep it in.

    Let me know how it works, so I can try it on my husband (who told me just the other night that I should just expect the worst so that I’m pleasantly surprised if things turn out well. Guess what…that wasn’t the right thing to say, either!).

  12. I hope that you get that moment on Thursday.

    As far as Mr DD, he needs to be responsible for his own feelings. I understand that this is tough for him, but saying something like that at this point in time was one of the worst things he could do. Oblivion would be nice, but you cannot be female and undergoing IF treatments, and be oblivious. Whether it’s female or male factor, the major burden of treatments is on the woman. If we allowed ourselves to forget, even for a little while, it would be impossible to do treatments. We would forget that supplement or pill or pee-stick, and it would ruin an entire cycle.

    I had never read that post by Mare before, and I was struck by her ending–that if it were running a marathon, E would be cheering her on, but since IF has emotional overtones, it’s a whole new ballgame. I’d never thought of it that way before, but she’s entirely right. And more so, because this is something that has much longer-lasting effects than training for a marathon. One way or another, this affects your entire life.

  13. Me too. I want that one perfect moment for you.

  14. Wow. Now you’re husband is in the doghouse of my psyche right next to mine. Why are they so stupid? Because they are men.

    We’re all obsessing with you… I hope Wolf has a strong heartbeat and you can enjoy your one perfect moment. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and wish on stars for you.

  15. It isn’t fair that men don’t have to share in the obsession that is ttc. It’s also not fair that your hubby (whether meaning to or not) has put this added pressure on you. I don’t think, really truly in my heart of hearts, don’t think that you can be in your position and not think about it almost every second of every day. Obsession is part of the game. I’m sorry DD that you haven’t had a perfect moment in this pregnancy yet…hoping perhaps you’ll feel something close to it at your next appointment when you receive good news.

  16. I’m sorry this is so hard. I really really hope Wolf is strong and healthy and I’m sorry your husband pressured you that way. I had a similar conversation (about me being the one bearing the burden, not the ultimatum) this weekend (while I was on bedrest after transfer) about him not understanding how friggin hard this is for me. But we’ve already decided we’re done, so its a little bit different.
    As for the pomegranite thread- yeah, I basically agree.

  17. It’s impossible not to obsess. It’s your body, and something is happening to it every day. I think that men really can’t get that, because they will never experience it. I am truly hoping that wolfie does make it, so that you don’t have to try and make the Mr. get it.

  18. People who don’t get it suck – everyone. The men, the doctors, the fertiles, the employers, the bus drivers, the ignorant nosy clerks at the pharmacy. Fuck them. It makes it double hard when the person not getting it is the one person in the world that you desperately need TO get it.
    Here’s wishing you a perfect moment. We should all grab them whenever we can.

  19. Wasn’t part of the goal to keep your IF roller coaster to yourself? Did he pick up on it before the IUI or was this purely a result of the pregnancy questions? If it’s the latter, he’s suddenly in it deep and he’s potentially drowning. You know I think he’s a straight up guy, so I wind up defending him.

  20. Men Schmen. Hmphf. May 2007 be your perfect year!

  21. In my more charitable, expansive mood moments, I think these men are doing the best they can with their fear, and they are willing themselves so hard to not worry worry worry, that sometimes they do actually succeed in blocking parts of it, like the daily agony of PIO shots. But sometimes I think they have their heads up their asses. You really don’t need the added pressure, DD, this is hard enough. Whatever happens Thursday, we’ll be right there with you in spirit. Pulling hard, pulling really really hard. Come on Wolf.

  22. It is all so hard and the worrying just never freaking stops. Here are some great vibes to take with you to your appt. We are all thinking about you!

  23. You remember that bit in broadcast news where the child who was to become holly hunter has a go at her father for calling her obsessed? And it was pretty funny because she was obsessed, but in quite a good way? That’s what I think about this. Is it wrong to think a lot about your second child, how they are going to come to you, whether they are going to come to you at all, and all the things you need to do to ensure you give them every chance to show up? I bet your husband is obsessed about some things of his own, too.

    But more than that, I think his “you’re obsessed” thing means so much more than those 2.5 words. It means “You’re upset and that upsets me and I don’t know how to help you,” and “I’m worried I won’t love a second child as much as I love X” and “Why couldn’t we just get pregnant the old fashioned way” and many of the other things that we all think about, too, but we share them with each other and the internets because we are female and some combination of our biology and our upbringing means that that is how we’ve learnt to cope with all the shit that we get thrown.

    I wish I could come with you and hold your hand. And i wish even more than that that everything will be ok with Wolf.

  24. Obsessiveness ca be so good. And I prefer to think of its as perserverance & strong-willed. “Obsessed” has such negative connotations, no?
    Flip side of that, is that I can kinda of feel where he’s coming from. At the end of every freaking month, when CB comes knocking, I feel so emotionally & physically drained, I just want to lay down & cry & not try anymore. I agree with the aboves though, that it completely has to be a joint decision. I’m sorry, hun. I’m holding my breath for you for that perfect moment. YOu know, since preggos aren’t supposed to hold their breath. 😉
    As for the last post, I’m sorry I didn’t comment. I’d never even heard of those things, but I agree with what you said. I’d rather form friendships upon many things, not just instantly become BFF because of one common thing.

  25. Obsess all you want! I can’t believe he said that to you while you are still dealing with the ‘what if’s’ of the current situation. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with him, he needs to learn how to deal with this as well. He should be there to support you.

    Here’s hoping that you will have that one moment, very soon.

  26. I’ve been away for a while again…computer troubles. And when I return? Good news! Perhaps I should stay away more often…

    I’m glad Wolf is blippin’ away.

  27. We have had similar conversations at our house. When I bring up adopting again, it’s “we can give The Boy every opportunity with just one child”. And, while that’s true, the nitty gritty of it is that adoption was a difficult process on me, and he felt things spin out of control in trying to get me through it.

  28. DD,
    you have every reason to obsess and drive yourself insane. (No, wait. I’ll drive.)
    Try to keep that glimmer of hope until Thursday and I’ll be prayingwishinghopingcrossingthings for you.

  29. I guess that men just don’t “get” pregnancy. During the first trimester with Ally I spotted on and off quite often. Each time it freaked me out. Danny was concerned – for me, not the baby. Although we were both equally happy for the pregnancy, it was still happening to me – inside of me. There will always be a connection between Ally and me that no one else will have. That connection is one of the joys of motherhood, but it doesn’t come without its price. You are experiencing one of the costs right now. All I can say is give Mr. DD some slack and chalk it up to him being a man. Your emotional state is causing you pain. He doesn’t like it. Men want to fix things. So his response is – this is it. It’s completely insensitive, but that wasn’t his intention. He thought of it as some “light at the end of the tunnel” so to speak. For you, that light will only come when that precious baby comes out the end of that tunnel. I’m not sure that he’ll ever understand that.

    Given that I’ve just spent two years obsessing about Allison’s birth, I don’t feel qualified to say a whole lot about when you’ll relax about this pregnancy. given what you’ve been through, you might not until the baby is crying, touching you skin to skin. Please try to find some pleasure in this experience if you can. It is a special time, despite the baggage you have from the past.

    You know I love you and wish you the best.

  30. Well I’m sorry to say I’ve neglecting popping in here, but wow what a post to return too!

    It should be quite obvious to you that you have a multitude of empathetic women behind you, supporting you, your emotions and providing understanding of what you’re going through. They have already pointed out that men indeed lack much of the emotional capabilites that we women have. 2 years is a long time for a man to have to deal with emotions he doesn’t understand, both within himself and well as emanating from his wife. So therefore a piece of you must be empathetic to him for having to handle the stress of these unusual emotions over a long period of time.

    On the other hand, a large part of you wants him to be understanding of what you feel inside and what you feel like day to day.

    It’s unfortunately a tricky balance of the scales. You need to emote your feelings so that he knows where you’re coming from and can then provide responsive sympathy/empathy/support. BUT you must also not overwhelm him with your emotions since he is also experiencing his own inner turmoils. And because mixing too much of your own brew into his can cause him to react as he is…almost apathetic in a way. Too much data/info/emotion is going in, and not being comprehended. There is an overload of the circuitry.

    Whereas I don’t think you should feel bad about being obsessed, you must find the balance of how much of your emotions are thrust at him. You must both support each other.

  31. I’ve never been where you are, so I can’t understand what you are going through. BUT I’m here if you want to chat.

    Just try to keep your head up and think positive. It’s all you can do. That, and take care of yourself and your family.

  32. I think I get it. Last night I told my husband that it seems supremely unfair to me that we both will receive the same “reward” for our Infertility and pregnancy struggles when I suffered while he sat back for 6 years and 7 months and relaxed. I don’t buy the B.S. about men just “being that way” that my mom and friends like to spout off about. It’s not okay that the only person I know who is within an hour’s drive should be the one person who is the most supportive of me…and isn’t even trying. Which really just turned into my own rant when all I meant to say was that I understand and empathize and wish I could do something to help. *hugs*

  33. Okay first – *kick to Mr. DD and swat to the back of the head* You’ve been married how long and still stupid things come out of your mouth? *shaking my head*
    Now second – you are allowed to feel concerned about this pregnancy. It’s okay to feel that way. You’ve been “burnt” a few times. Ultimately you need to talk to Mr. DD about these feelings and he needs to know what he should do to help you through this time whether it be good or bad. Tell him how you feel about the prospect of “being done” rather than trying again… Communication is hard, but it generally makes you feel better.

    I don’t think Mr. DD is a complete idiot – like my other friends husbands are (one managed to lose his job because he couldn’t get up on time to go to work and the other still hasn’t read the “birthing” book because it has too much information and they’re due to give birth uhmm within a week or two) so I hope I don’t have to lump Mr. DD into that category. 😉

  34. Sorry this is all so damn stressful. My DH is quite oblivious to it all most of the time as well. He is supportive, he gets points for good intentions, but in the end he is pretty much clueless as to how hard the actual being the one undergoing all the treatments,etc., is. The PIO shot is a good example. He could easily go to sleep and not a think a thing if I didn’t hand him the syringe and say let’s do this now.

    Hang in there.

    PS Yesterday typepad ate my comment!

  35. This whole process eats relationships, chews them up, and spits them out in a gross puddle.

    Hoping that you, MrDD, and Wolf all pull through this.

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