no. 315 – November

A year ago I was drafting my memoriam to Vivienne. November 10, 2005 marked the one year that had passed since I had found out she was gone. With those two posts, I intended to share that memory on the anniversary of the D&C. It was to help me NOT forget how painful that experience was and hopefully each subsequent year, I could go back to them and read and the pain would be a little less each time and I would know I was healing from that loss.

Last week when I found out I could finally be cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy, I started to believe that it would bring some much needed balm to the hurt that was still very much there.

Today I realized that nothing will ever take away that pain. How could it when it’s centered on an emptiness; a deep, fathomless void that no pregnancy could fill?

November of next year will mark Vivienne’s third year not here with us, and it will mark Wolf’s first year not here with us.

When my RE did the scan, she told me, "This is not going to end the way we want it to." Wolf’s heart is still beating, but barely. He has not grown over the week. The yolk sac is enlarged. It’s inevitable…Wolf is dying and it won’t be much longer.

No, there is no hope. None. The only thing between now and an immediate D&C is that Wolf’s heart must not be beating. My doctor predicts by Monday, it will be over. I will be 8w2 days not pregnant.

There is nothing that I, or Mr. DD, or you, or God, or Mother Nature can do to change this. Nothing to do but cry until I am numb.