Posted by: DD | November 16, 2006

no. 318 – High Stress, Low Moral

I don’t know what it is about today already, but I’m feeling more depressed now than the day of the D&C. Drop in hormones, perhaps? Either way, makeup was a lost cause this morning.

The results of the clotting factors tests were already back on Tuesday. My RE said that the Protein C level was just below normal and they would like to run a repeat in 6 weeks.

Six. Weeks.

No matter how either of us feel about trying again, we can’t. And this sucks. I feel as if theses past two months have been a total waste of time. What if we had waited one more month and maybe got a good egg that was sitting around? I found in some research yesterday that when a woman reaches 40, 50% of her eggs have chromosomal defects. 1 of every 2. I’m sure they are not sitting in my ovaries in alternating sequence, neatly waiting their turn. All the good ones are probably huddling off in a corner somewhere afraid to be the one to be next on my body’s Rejection List. Fuckityfuckfuck.

Two more things, and they appear to be completely unrelated. Firstly) yesterday Jerry heard on the radio about one of the adoption organizations for our State and checked out their website during lunch. Yesterday I googled adoption resources in our State and requested additional information from one of them. It was the same organization. I believe much of my fear about adoption comes from rejection. Isn’t it enough to realize your own body rejects you, or feel that god or some other high-falootin’ power is rejecting you? Now I have to wonder about strangers doing the same?

Secondly) this morning I lifted the trash can out of our bracket so I could pull out the liner filled with garbage. In doing so I knocked it against the counter, lost my grip and dumped a very full trash can onto our kitchen floor. Everything that was on top of the trash became the first to hit the floor: uneaten waffle with waaa-aa-ay too much syrup and last night’s scraps from supper, including the excess steak sauce that was scraped off into the garbage instead of the disposal/sink. Luckily I was the only one in the house so when I screamed FUCK!!! as loud as I could it was just some deer in the backyard that heard me and took off with with their tails raised in full, white-flag fear.

How’s this post for completely unfocused and random?

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Responses

  1. I think I’ve mentioned to you before that I’m afraid that when we try to adopt (I just don’t think I can try to go through the whole pregnancy thing again. You’re so much braver than me) that we’ll get rejected because we’re not christian enough.

    So much work for something that might not even work out.

    But if you need a glowing recommendation you know how to find me.

  2. I hate when it feels like nothing works.
    The only good thing about that feeling is that it passes.
    {Gentle hugs}

  3. I can get like that too! Sorry I cant be more help, Im not feeling too hot myself!

  4. I know you have a lot going on right now, but I hope you are finding the time to take good care of yourself.

  5. Life is completely random. It throws things at you when you least expect them…or want them.

    I wish you luck in whichever direction you choose to go.

    And just a little plug for adoption: My brother and I (not birth siblings) were both adopted. My “twin” whom I’ve mentioned before is also adopted. And my ex-sister-in-law too. (My adoptive mother had two still-borns. One even after they already had my brother for a few years).

    Other than bureaucracy and red-tape, there shouldn’t be any reason in the world why you shouldn’t be accepted to adopt. There are so many kids out there that end up in wrong homes. I think you wholly deserve to be given a chance. And you could be totally saving a child from a worse life elsewhere. (My ex-sister-in-law visited her birth mother a cpl years ago and cut her visit short because the conditions of the lifestyle were horrible.)

  6. Dear DD, the days after are so crushingly hard… I’m so sorry. I choked up when you wrote the story about your trash, because that incident would have been bad at the best of times — but in that post-miscarriage state, I think it would have reduced me to a keening, heaving huddle on the floor. Probably inside the trash heap.

    Six weeks. Ugh. And I can so imagine the feeling about not wanting to open yourself up to any more rejection. Oh, sweetie, how I wish I could take that feeling off your shoulders… How I wish I could lighten your load at all.

  7. I felt worse in the weeks/months after my miscarriages than during the actual D&C drama or bleeding. I think because you steel yourself for what must be done, but then later all these feelings must be dealt with. Also true for deaths I’ve experienced (I was “okay” during the funeral week, depressed as hell in the weeks/months after.) I think its that whole shock as the first stage of grief thing.

    I’m sorry. I’m just really truly very sorry. It sucks.

  8. I would SO love to be able to go have a drink or six with you.

    For what it’s worth – one of the biggest fears we have with adoption is rejection also. There is only so much you can take – but the fact that your both strong enough to still look into it is very telling. I wish it was easier.

  9. The last two months weren’t a waste. Had you not tried, you’d always have wondered “what if”. And I know there’s a big part of you not ready to throw in the towel…but you’re right – when the liklihood of a non-viable pregnancy outweighs the liklihood of a viable pregnancy, you have to determine what level of risk to take. Only you and Mr. DD can determine that.

    As far as adoption – I don’t see any reason why you and Mr. DD would be rejected. Great state (hah!), nice big home, big brother – you’re the perfect setting. And, there’s always the option of an older child – there are so many who need a loving family.

  10. I feel ya Sista! I hate today too.

  11. Unfocused and random, no way.

    Adoption, huh, yup, we are there also, I think anyway. I hate going into it knowing it is our last choice option. It doesn’t mean I will love the child any less, but it just casts a shadow of something on a process that is supposed to be amazing. We too have a very strong fear of rejection (partially because we are not christian) and that combined with other factors led us to international adoption. Unfortunately with internation adoption you get an older infant and that means not only do I not get the experience of being pg but now I miss out on some of those newborn experiences. (Yes, I know it is not about me, but rather about the child, but I am being honest.)

    After our first IVF crashed and burned we went to a 4 hour adoption information meeting. It was so exciting – recently adopted children were there with their parents. It gave me hope, but I cried the whole way home, partially out of fear, some excitement, and also because I needed to mourn the idea that I may not be pregnant and have a child.

    I wish you guys the best in your decision making process – only you two know what is best for you.

  12. I don’t really know what to post, just that I wish the best for all of you.

  13. There need to be words that convey deep feeling. There just aren’t. Sorry isn’t enough. This sucks is horribly inadequate. I’m here for you doesn’t begin to cover it. Unfortunately, that’s all I have.

    I’m sorry. This sucks. I’m here for you.

  14. Dreary for sure. You’re entitled. Spilled trash, nobody’s entitled to that.

    So many people who adopt seem to regret all the time/money/energy they put into worrying about pssing on their own genetics, as if it is a breath of fresh air finally accepting adoption. I hope you can come to that point, if that’s what you decide.

  15. I hear you on the low morale, and it’s been raining her all.damn.week. Yick. And stress. If one more thing goes wrong, I think I’ll have to hurt somebody. This has to be a horribly difficult time for you, and I’m sorry things suck so hard. Isn’t it weird how shit tends to clusterfuck into one big pile of AARRGGHHHHHHH! until you just can’t take any more? Then, a little respite until you’re ready for more.
    Wow. This doesn’t sound comforting or encouraging. I’m sorry. You know you have our support out here, and we care. Go knock the crap out of your pillows until you feel better. It works.
    I need new pillows.

  16. The drop in hormones is bad. Take care of yourself and if things need to slide, let them slide.

    Take care.

  17. Nothing random about it, DD. Nothing at all. I am so sorry, I am sending caring thoughts your way. I wish there was a way to help you with the business of day to day so you could forget about everything except the pain for a while. That didn’t come out right – I don’t WANT you to be in pain, but I also wish you didn’t have to worry about other things on top of it.

  18. Lately every time I swear, (usually alone in my car) I catch myself and bargain with “god” that if I stop will I then be worthy of a child? It’s a total mind game for me. I tell myself that I will have to stop when I have a child in the car with me anyway, but I feel I have to prove I can do it in advance before “they” will give me one.

    Fuck that!

    Swear about the trash all you like. It’s a release and that’s healthy. The deer don’t mind. Honest.


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