Posted by: DD | November 30, 2006

no. 328 – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Can Kiss My Ass

Five Stages Of Grief

  1. Denial and Isolation.
    At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer. [A few moments, huh.? Does anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, or infertility, not feel somewhat withdrawn or isolated throughout their lives upon such a diagnosis?]
  2. Anger.
    The grieving person may then be furious at the person [or thing, aka my stupid reproductive organs who must think that being biologically older than me-as a person-gives them some kind of seniority over what happens. You, Ms. Uterus, you traitorous bitch and you, Ms. L.R. Ovary, have no idea how pissy and tenacious I can become when provoked.] who inflicted the hurt (even if they’re dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. [Yes, this is my "fault". My ovaries, my egg, my uterus. I definitely didn’t want it to happen, but it did and something in me caused it.]
  3. Bargaining.
    Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?" [Oh, I don’t even think so. I tried to understand when God took away my imperfect Vivienne, but if you think I’ll ever literally or figuratively get on my knees and beg after knowing about Wolf, you’ve got another thing coming.]
  4. Depression.
    The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. [ADs have never looked so good. Comfortably Numb is more than just a Pink Floyd song…]
  5. Acceptance.
    This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss. [Come see me on my deathbed and see how I feel then.]

Who me? Angry, much?



  1. Go right on being angry- you have all the reason in the world to be. I’m angry for you and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so damn much.
    Re: the 5 stages. I often foudn that I was feeling all 5 stages at once, or out of order, or re-feeling ones I thought I’d put to rest. I do think the framework is somewhat helpful in understanding how grieving works, but only as a framework, because each experience is so intense and personal.

  2. The thing is, as much as each of these steps suck in their own right, even if we were to travel through them one at a time in a neat progression, it doesn’t even work that way. You go from 1 to 2 back to 1 on to 3 back to 2, skip to 4, get stuck there but also travel back to 2, back to 2 back to 2 . . . etc. (I agree, anger kind of wins out for me too.) I have never really reached 5. I often wonder if that’s truly possible.

  3. Wish I had the magic wand to make it all better – or at least not hurt so much. On the not hurting so much, all I can really offer is wine and a shoulder. Oh, or hard liquor…I’ve got that too 😉

    Hang in there, DD.

  4. Thinking of you.

  5. Nothing wrong with being angry about all this. It just plain sucks.

    You are in my thoughts.

  6. Angry? Deservedly so. I am angry and I am not you.

    I don’t ever think I will reach 5 – part of me will be forever pissed that I was on the wrong side of the statistics.

  7. ADs do look good, don’t they? I don’t see how you could not be angry about what happened. So sorry.

  8. You have every right to feel this way and for however long you want.
    I am sorry to hear that it’s so tough.

  9. I pray that you can find your peace in there somewhere. I can’t fathom what you are going through, but I just hope that you see the light at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later. Life is so precious and so short. You are in my thoughts.

  10. I think 2007 is going to hold something special for you!

    Plus now I can comment!

  11. Again, I’m sorry. Angry sounds pretty appropriate right about now.

  12. I agree that I have not experienced these 5 stages in this order and certainly haven’t hit stage 5.

    Hang in there.

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