Posted by: DD | December 1, 2006

no. 329 – So, They Are Not Normative

*ssssnnnnnniiffffffffffffff* (me inhaling)

D’ya smell that? It’s the smell of a new month. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have November disappear into history. My own personal Dark Ages, if I do say so myself. November 2006 can lick the antiperspirant from my armpits. Bring on the google hits, you freaks.

Today’s post title is brought to you from some spam I received earlier today. I found it perfectly quirky. Enough so to call my very own.

Did you know I love frankness in people? Sugar coating annoys the shit out of me. Well, lots of things annoy me, that’s probably quite apparent. In fact, already this morning I was directed to another blogger’s site who found out she had lost her baby at nearly 11 weeks.  Someone actually posted a comment that contained, "it was probably for the best," and stars danced in my eyes. Nope. Uh-uh. I wasn’t going to let someone crap on my New Month parade, so I made it clear in my own comment that The Best would have been for this person’s baby to not have died. I swear, some people…

Oh, frankness in people. I was going somewhere with that, really. I received an email from Nico and she asked me a very good question:

"Do the genotyping results change your feelings at all about trying again?  (Don’t feel like you have to answer that if you’re not ready to)."

And I answered her without hesitation: the results make me even more determined about continuing to try.

Now I didn’t qualify that statement by noting that it’s not a "we" mentality yet. Mr. DD is still spinning. Not so much from the miscarriage, but from watching me go on the craziest ride he’s ever seen. It wasn’t the typical metaphorical roller-coaster; it was an emotional bungee cord ride like the one that’s on top of the Las V3gas Strat0sph3re. Egad, it makes me nauseas just thinking about it.

He’s back on the sidelines suggesting we should go back to just trying on our own again. I squelched that suggestion without blinking. We’ve been there, done that. Between May and October, I kept hoping we could be that couple, the ones who try after a couple failed IVFs and get pregnant because there is less stress? Pfft. Unfortunately, we no longer have the luxury of time. Wolf was supposed to be my 40th Birthday present to myself with her due date just a couple weeks before my birthday.

When I was 38, I told myself I was done trying when I turned 40 because it seemed so far away and the goal seemed so obtainable. I was optimistic. And now I’ve decided no one or nothing is turning me into a quitter. I’m no longer optimistic, per se, but I’m feeling a little bit like Rocky Balboa in his first movie (you know, the good one). Ha ha! I just realized I made an subconscious connection to my blog title! Man, it’s a good day.

I also called the agency to follow-up on my email for adoption information. I just got an email back from them about what the next step might be (attending a sharing meeting and the next one is not until February! *sob*).

I know there are some who think that if I was going to be serious about adoption, I should probably give up on ttc, but I’m won’t. If we should get so lucky as to get pregnant and be matched at the same time, I will consider my self doubly "blessed" for pushing through the pain (I quote the blessed because of my personal issue I have right now with the religious connotations the word holds).

Congratulations to two of my favorite writers (the term "blogger" does not do their immeasurable talents justice), who also pushed through the pain of NaBloPoMo : Alexa at Flotsam, and Schmutzie at Milk Money or Not (who by the way is up for Best Blog in the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards, and even if you don’t read her – which you should – go place your vote for her. The link is on her recent post. Actually it’s been on all of her posts as she shamelessly self-promotes.). They are both equally amazing in completely different ways.

I have over 15 addresses of blogging friends who I am exchanging holiday cards with. That knowledge in itself makes my heart do a little skip of happiness. Keep in mind that the exchange is just between me and "you", and I will keep your personal information locked away for my own private blackmailing purposes safekeeping.

One last thing (finally!), my next post is something special that I’ve been working on through slideroll. I’m warning you ahead of time that it will contain an ultrasound picture and a belly shot, not to mention several pictures of one very special little guy in my life.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh… (me exhaling)

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Responses

  1. You have had quite a hell ride, indeed. I am so sorry for everything you have been going through.

    I hope you get “blessed” soon.

    Thinking of you,

  2. People actually still say that? “It’s for the best?” WTF???

  3. I saw that comment too, and had to turn away so as not to shatter the screen with the the force of my glare.
    I’m glad you are feeling plucky enough to put your gloves back on. You will get through this, and I am glad we get to be here for you along the way.

  4. “It’s for the best”?!?!?! What? I can’t believe someone actually said that.

    At any rate, here’s to a new month! It’s very cool that you have so many folks to do card exchange with, it’s always fun to get real mail.

  5. A work friend told me that his sister was pregnant but things didn’t look good as they could not find a heartbeat and he said something like “well it’s good because at least she can get pregnant.” I just cringed, she had been trying for a while and had surgery to remove some fibroids so it wasn’t like it happened easily. I told him not to tell her that and tried to let him know that that isn’t such a consoling thought.

    On the adoption thing – check with your agency, a few I checked with kick you out of the process if you get pregnant before they place a child – and you lose all the money you’ve put in to that point. One wouldn’t talk to us until we said we were done trying and done with treatment. Heaven forbid someone get greedy and have TWO children in a short timespan.

    I’m glad you’re not giving up yet, I hope you can get the mister on the same page.

  6. Happy December DD. May it bring a little peace and joy to you and your family.

  7. All things considered, I’d try again, too. I hope Mr. DD will hop on board.

  8. Happy December- may this month be a hell of a lot better than the last month. I missed the Christmas card exchange – I sent an email to Ms. Prufrock to exchange cards, but you too?? I suppose I could possibly carve out some craftiness in myself to occupy my time the next week or two so want to trade addresses?

  9. Wait, someone said what? OK, if someone posted that on my blog I would bombard them with responses and perhaps sign them up for a few listserves. That is pure crap.

    I’ll get those meds to you soon and hopefully that will convince Mr. DD to try again soon, before march 31st, 2007 anyway.

    Oh, yeah, look into Suzanne’s comment since our agency has the same stupid policy. I challenged them on it (only after they suggest we all go on BC if adopting. um, yeah, I wasted too many years with that anyway). Anyway, our agency has a one year wait after the birth before you can go back into the referral pool. Just another way to make life difficult for the infertiles.

  10. sorry you’re having such a rough time. But I’m so glad to see you say that you are not willing to quit.

    you know there is another Rocky movie coming out, don’t you? so he’s not a quitter either I guess (even though maybe he should be…)

  11. Just getting caught up reading “my” blogs…you caught me off guard with your post of a couple of days ago. I too have lost all girls.(4). They told me that it is not uncommon to be less likely to carry one or the other. I did end up with 3 boys (one through adoption and the other two full term pregnancies). I think it made the losses a little harder knowing that they were daughters and not just “maybe babies”. I was close to 40 when my last one was born..it was a scary ride but a wonderful result! Good luck.

  12. May I ask, have you done heparin? Also, have you had a recent hysteroscopy? Immune testing isn’t big with some clinics, but with your pathology report, I’d be wondering about all three.

    In any case, I’m sorry for what you’ve endured. It simply sucks.

  13. I wonder why people feel the urge to give their opinion in difficult situations when an ‘I’m sorry’ or something along these lines already means a lot.

  14. I’m sorry to hear about your loss. They are awful to bear. We ended up persuing adoption and last-ditch fert stuff at the same time, and our 2 oldest kids are 8 months apart 😉 Makes hearing asshats say “see, you just had to relax!” more bearable.

    I’d never heard about agencies denying you because you were pregnant. If you hit the jackpot and get yourself into that situation, just keep your trap shut.

    Pushing on past the point you ever thought possible is the hardest challenge. I wish you luck.

  15. Happened for the best my arse!

    Were trying again, regardless. Nothing like defeat to spur you on or just sheer stubbornness 🙂 Whichever…you’d only regret not trying again later on and as I said once to a good friend, what’s the worst that can happen? Oh ye, it’s already happened and I’m still standing!

  16. Happy December, Sister!

    It’s good hearing where your head is; you sound readied for what the world throws your way. Excellent.

  17. Am intrigued by your slideroll project now. You sound in fabulous shape, I hope you are genuinely doing ok and not just putting it on for us. You wouldn’t do that, would you?

  18. Okay…I’m going to be frank and hope you won’t be mad at me because I really want to stay on your Christmas card list but I have to ask…Do you think that this quest to have another child has any kind of negative affect on your son?

    The reason that I ask is that everytime I think about having another child I remember the emotional trauma that went along with all the miscarriages and I wonder if I’d be able to get through more of them without it affecting Hailey. Everytime I think about it I wonder…will it pull me into a depression I’m not able to come back from? Will it take me emotionally away from Hailey? Will I even be able to recognize it since I went so nuts the first time I lost a child? You don’t have to answer this but I’d love some feedback from someone who’s been there. How do you keep the darkness of your loss from your son?

  19. I think you should pursue whatever paths you want, same time or not. You know I feel like donor and adoption aren’t necessarily that far apart (though lots of agencies don’t feel that way).

    I’d love to exhange cards. Perhaps you’d like a postcard from Thailand?


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