Posted by: DD | December 11, 2006

no. 336 – Just Call Me Smithie

Anvil You want to know all about my irons, do you now? Well…only if you promise to be dazzled and amazed on my complete inability to commit to any one thing.

It’s been a long week (what do you mean it’s only Monday night? *totally exhausted sigh*) so I’m just going to provide the following bullets in some kind of order other than random and I’ll field questions in the comments:

  • Another dIUI, which I will consider converting to a dIVF if my ovaries come out of their hangover long enough to do anything close to useful. Maybe I shouldn’t complain too much. I did get pregnant with just one follicle the last time, but let’s not brood on where that got us.
  • Embryo adoption (I know! You’re probably all thinking, "Where did that come from?"). I’m at the stage I need to write a letter that somehow portrays us as a deserving family without sounding like the needy and desperate couple we are.
  • Accepting and attending a meeting in January on international adoption sponsored by the agency we contacted. The domestic adoption meeting isn’t until February. The agency doesn’t work directly with fos-adopt but they will give us some contact information and then we’ll see what it takes to march to that beat.
  • Abandon all hope and just try on our own to get pregnant; or find a live newborn in the lady’s room trash can at the mall. You noticed how I put these two together as they both seem to have about the same chance of happening, didn’t you?

Snowball, meet Hell. Hell, meet…?

I started my ADs last week. I also stopped taking my ADs last week. To clarify, I took one in the afternoon a few days ago. By the time I left work, I felt nauseous, tired, and …did I mention nauseous? I noted the irony that I had more pregnancy symptoms that day than I did for the entire 8 weeks of my last unpregnancy.

I decided that I would take my next dose before going to bed the following night. But I forgot. So the next night, I was determined to take my dose. And I forgot again. After that, I just said fuck it because I never did tell my RE and since I should be welcoming my first period since the D&C (oh, what joy) within the next week, which may or may not lead to the first bulleted item, I decided to just wait.

I’ve got loads of excuses if you didn’t like that one.

Anyone out there want to finish up my holiday shopping? I should mention I haven’t even started. It’s one of those irons that may not end up anywhere close to being fully forged.

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Responses

  1. Deep breaths sister! One thing at a time.

    Somehow this post gave me a mental image of you juggling hot curling irons?

  2. Step by step by step! May your way be made clear in 2007, kiddo!!!!!

  3. {big hug}

  4. I haven’t started my shopping yet either.
    We’re supposed to go out Wed night if Joe ever decides to call his sister to sit w/Mag. I did break down & order the My Little Pony Crystal Palace yesterday. It’s the only thing she’s asked for.

  5. My Christmas shopping is done. No, not because I am in the mood, no, not because everyone got a super special thoughtful gift this year, but because I ordered it all, and I mean ALL online. Just google for free shipping, order stuff and press send. Don’t agonize another minute. I love amazon because they’re not just about books anymore.

    More on the other stuff later. Just wanted to give you my Christmas survival “secret.”

  6. I love Christmas shopping! I’ll help!

  7. Be kind to yourself. Nothing has to be decided at this point. I know that it might not feel that way, but there is no rush. How long are you supposed to wait to try to get pregnant after a D&C? Maybe you should take that time to do your best and not think about babies, hormones, fertility, infertility, adoption, etc. and give yourself a break. I know that this is easier said than done, but you would probably do well to focus on something else for a few months. You can focus on the holidays, selling your house, get a cool tattoo, anything you need to in order to get yourself mentally out of your uterus. It needs time to heal and you need time to heal. Giving yourself that would be the best Christmas present you could give yourself this year.

    Hon, your oasis is coming. I can’t tell you how far off it is, but I know it’s there. Godspeed!

  8. Unfortunately, the one thing I don’t have (besides patience and tolerance) is time. I don’t know if my RE would recommend me doing another procedure when my period starts or not. I’m leaning towards “not”, but I can no longer sit out another month thinking about recouping.

    To add to the theme of this post, I must strike while the iron is hot.

  9. Yeah, shopping. I don’t know if that is going to happen this year. Do you think everyone on my list would be ok with vanilla tootsie rolls? Not only are they the best flavor, but they are the only thing I have actually purchased this year while shopping and since I have a surplus I may be assigning them as presents. Don’t you wish you were on my list?

    I know you have been thinking about your options and it is nice you have identified them here – although I already knew what they were :-). I wish I could pull out my magic wand and send a wave your way to take care of your irons for you. I don’t want to give you any undue assvice, but since you are “fielding questions” I want to know if you proceed forward w/o considering another DIUI (hopefully IVF) will you be satisfied? Or, will part of you wish you had done it? No one can tell you what YOU should do, but previous e-mail conversations with you are leading me to ask you that question.

    As a friend – not to scare you – I just want to send you an emotional warning about the adoption meeting. I left scared and confused, even though I was excited at the same time. Adoption is a wonderful and amazing process and can be so exciting, but if you still are somewhat vested in having a child of your own it can be a reminder of your lack of success. I am happy we went, but I want you to have time to prepare yourself mentally for it. I wish I had done so.

  10. In response to Josie’s question above: I cannot at this time imagine NOT trying another IUI/IVF. Here’s the weird thing, it has NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH to do with a biological bond. I want to go through a pregnancy post-IF and be appreciative of the miracle I SOOOO took for granted with both X and Vivienne. I tell you: both pregnancies I wished I wasn’t pregnant b/c I thought the mild nausea (never threw up) and maternity clothes were for the birds. I was so petty. And every time I think about how I was, it breaks my heart. Both Mr. DD and I know that we will now treat a pregnancy with miraculous devotion, instead of as an inconvenience.

    I would rather give up on everything than just give up on a possible pregnancy.

  11. That’s what I thought. And I know there is A LOT more emotionally that goes into the DIUI/IVF and that makes the decision a bit hairy.

    I know that feeling of needing to try again not being related to the biological bond. It is not weird at all – I think we all have our own path we need to take to get to the end results. I personally need to exhaust IVF and donor (both sp. & egg) IVF before moving on. There is no biological desire for doing it but my sanity and personal limit is taking me that way.

    Sorry you have those feelings about your previous pregnancies. I always say to friends that if I ever get pg I will not complain, but deep down I know that is not my nature. I complain a lot and I really hate maternity clothes.

    Really though, before IF I thought so differently. No one can know what this is like w/o experiencing it – we see it all the time in the stupid trolls that visit our sites. People (fertile mainly) can even be incredibly compassionate and empathetic but they will never “get” it until they experience it. that is not their fault but rather the nature of infertility. I don’t think I could ever be as greatful if I were pg if I had not gone through this.
    I guess I am trying to say that you really can not fault yourself for something you had no idea about. I wish it were that easy though.

  12. I’m all for keeping the options open and making an informed decision – so I think it’s just fine consider multiple options at once. Just so long as you don’t overwhelm yourself.

    I like your last option. I sometimes fantasize that maybe somebody will leave a baby on my doorstep. My grandmother grew up in very hard times in the dust bowl, and that actually used to happen then. So for years (or maybe even still), she always checked her front porch morning and night to see if someone had left a baby.

  13. I was just checking back in and noticed your comments, DD. I have always been jealous of everyone’s pregnancy and would silently seethe when they complained about it, wishing I could experience it for myself. Just to experience the wonder of it all, good and bad. I can understand your wanting to do it again.

  14. Go beagle- totally true. I’ve been browsing (and I shared some really cool finds on my blog) and buying online for the holidays for years. Hassle free and easy. I’m still not done though. Ugh.

  15. Gotcha. I just don’t want to see you get hurt anymore – at least not anytime soon. Still, it’s easy for me to tell you to take some time. You have to do what you need to do. You certainly don’t want to add to your regrets. Like you said, you had “some” success with only one follicle. I’ll support you no matter what. One way or another, I hope to be part of your online baby shower.

  16. Me too, barely any shopping yet, Christmas = suckfest this year. Good luck with these hard choices…I am totally with you on the not being ready (or, possibly, for both of us, able) to relinquish the thought of pregnancy. They take you through those specific losses in one of my favorite books and the pregnancy was more important than everything else. So I’m very interested in the donor embroyo, dIUI/dIVF thoughtlines. It’s NOT a snowball in hell. It could be coming soon, DD.


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