Posted by: DD | December 14, 2006

no. 339 – When Did The World Get So Big?

I wish I had started blogging years ago when infertility blogs were still in their infancy (unfortunate wording, but accurate). Obviously their impact has been enormous. For a few of you that come here, I’m sure you have seen hundreds come AND go since that time. I have seen quite a few blogs come and go in just the year and half I’ve been blogging.

The other day I was talking with one of my most supportive blogger friends on the phone and somehow my subconscious was able to blurt out – before I could even think twice – that I occasionally fantasize about leaving my blog.

After it was out of my mouth, I was trying to figure out why I had said it. 

I recalled an email exchange I had with another lovely blogger where I had written "Sometimes blogging is a double-edged sword: you get the support you need from people who get it, but it exposes one to so much more good news and [subsequently,] much more bad news. It just never seems there’s a moment to level off."

Her response? "Double-edged sword? On really bad days, blogging feels more like a chainsaw."

Those words burned into my brain: Blogging feels more like a chainsaw.

Messy, random, and painful.

When I started reading last summer, blogs appeared to me to be glamorous and something all the "cool kids" were doing. I wanted to be cool, too, even though it’s the last thing any one could ever accuse me of. I think I had my first glimpse of how really uncool I was when I met bloggers for the first time in life.

I was the "token ugly friend". An outsider to a clique that had been formed and bonded long before I wrote my first post. It’s not how anyone made me feel, as these women were/are so wonderfully generous in their blogging friendships. It’s how I felt.

It’s how I still feel.

When I get an email from someone who tells me that they "really appreciate what I have been writing and that they can relate to me", even though I’m glad that they find some solace in my posts, I also feel like a fraud because I’m not a writer. I never have been. I never will be.

I get caught in the virtual whirlwind and I have these brain dumps where I try to evoke humor, sorrow, rage, etc., when sometimes I don’t feel it myself because there’s an audience I subconsciously am trying to please. I keep forgetting what I came here for. I wanted to document this time in my life, and if it means documenting that I feel nothing, then that’s what I need to do.

And right now I feel…nothing. No sadness. No anger. No joy. I’m where I want to be right now. Waiting. Existing.

I feel I have to provide a disclaimer: this is not a ploy to get you to comment nor am I implying that I’m leaving my blog. That’s not it at all. I’m remembering why I’m here, and that’s for me.

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Responses

  1. DD,

    Blogging is hard for me, too. I love to write. It is healing for me. I wish that I could honestly say that I write my posts just for me, but I want to know that there is someone out there reading it. They can agree with me or disagree. I would love for someone to critique my writing. I would love someone to challenge me. Very few people comment at all on my blog. That’s not to say that I don’t appreciate the the loyal few. I do, especially the people I don’t know IRL. My own freaking family doesn’t even read my blog unless I ask them to. How should I feel about that? I would love to be part of a forum of some kind. So far, that forum hasn’t found me. Do I soldier on and be content that I have the ability to write and put it out for the whole world to see – even if they don’t?

    I’ve been thinking that I’m just not controversial enough. My posts about post-partum depression came too far after the whole Tom Cruise thing. Maybe I should seriously contemplate getting a sex change or something. Maybe that would draw some interest… But, I really would like for people to be interested in me. I don’t get mean spirited comments and I should be thankful for that. Still, isn’t there at least a butter knife out there for me?

  2. DD, thanks so much for your sweet comment on my blog. I so get the “chainsaw thought”.

  3. “I’m remembering why I’m here, and that’s for me.” – That’s as it should be. If you want to take that chainsaw and wreak some havoc, have at it. It’s your chainsaw.

  4. Jennifer…what’s the link to your blog..when I hovered over your name it just gave your email and hey, if you are going to have a sex change, I want to follow along!

    DD..I thought you were going to say you were quitting blogging and I was going to be upset. But yeah, blogging is extremely therapeutic with a big dash of stress thrown in. Go figure.

  5. Not only do you get the support you need from others, but you open yourself up to attacks from those who are just out to make people feel bad. It’s always a risk about what to share, and it’s exhausting trying to make that distinction. Do I just share about infertility and cut off all discussion of anything else? Do I talk about everything? What do I filter out? It’s hard.

    I’m glad you’re where you want to be with your blog.

  6. It’s a constantly changing element of our lives. We start blogs because we need to get the shit in our lives out there, then we continue because we have a community to communicate with, to support and from which to receive support. And sometimes we write posts that really aren’t that interesting, but our friends stop by anyway. We are lucky in this community, even if unlucky in what brought us here.

    Very glad this wasn’t your sign off.

  7. I’m kinda done with blogging. I’ve been done before so I’ll have to see if this sticks but I can’t keep up with it anymore. When Madonna was adopting and at the same time that idiot blogger was spamming people with his “dear birthmother” efforts, I got ridiculously depressed about the whole thing. I mean, these people have no real impact on my life but I was lying awake angry about it. And I realized I had to step back — way back. So I am and we’ll see what happens next!

  8. DD

    I definitely am not a writer… and I understand what you’re saying. I took the approach when I started that I initially wanted to be “cool” now I just write for myself. If others enjoy it, it brings them comfort, etc so be it… but at least for me I can get all my crap out there and let it be rather than be inside of me festering. Unfortunately right now that just leaves me numb, but I understand the waiting and existing. It’s where you need to be and that’s the part that matters.

    And phew – glad you’re not saying goodbye to blogging… 🙂 Would miss you terribly if you did.

  9. Fair enough.
    I’m no writer either. I just blurt out whatever.
    Sometimes I catch myself “writing for an audience”. I don’t know why I blog – just to get it out, I guess.

  10. I have to blog for me, I can’t do it with anyone else in mind.. otherwise, it doesn’t work out what I need to get out of my system.

    Does that make sense?

    .. and I’m very glad this wasn’t a goodbye post. I’d miss you.

  11. Wow! You really try to impress us? 😉 I am glad that you aren’t leaving Blogland, it would not be the same without you.
    I am with you that our blogs are for us and if someone finds them and reads them and get a laugh, a cry or just help wasting time on mine anyway, great and welcome to my world. 😉

    I am truly glad to have found blogs and you especially, who else has called me in the middle of the day? NO ONE! Hmpf!

    Got your Christmas card, you went all out, dang, I can’t even remember if I wrote anything in yours, did I send it? I am losing it. 😉

  12. I’ve been doing it for close to five years now. Which is a long time not only in blogging years, but in dedication. If there is one thing that I tell people, it’s to do it for yourself. Honestly, it’s great that I can help people while on the fertility roller coaster, or just make them laugh because I’m an asshole, but in the end, I do it for me. And sometimes, yes, it feels like a chore. And sometimes, a random family member will read what I write and automatically assume they know exactly what I’m thinking and pass judgement. Hell, even the non random family members think that sometimes, but even when it feels like chore, I still do it, because while I’m not prolific, it actually does help me. I don’t care about the traffic.

    I see that you write a lot for you and I hope you continue to do so in the future.

  13. Whatever your reasons for blogging, I’m enjoying your posts. I think you are wise to keep at it- only if it’s what you want to do.

    I’m taking a break from mine now and I do miss it. It’s like I moved away from a whole community of friends but, I still send and receive post cards once in a while.

  14. Wait, you ARE the cool kid. You are the person who got me into blogging in the first place.

    What is your definition of a writer? I do believe you are a writer just as each writer has their own style and following. Please write for yourself because it is that person we can all relate to or care about or even disagree with. No need to please anyone but yourself. This blog is about you and should take the direction you need it to.

    Glad to you are not signing off. Just remember that it is the pain of the chainsaw that reminds you that you are alive and perhaps can distract you from the real pain of infertility even if just briefly.

    Not that I have entirely broken my not bloggin on perc. promise I am probably really in for it. This did seem coherant at the time of writing it.

  15. I’m just relieved that you didn’t stick on a PS that this was your last post. I really hate when that happens.

  16. I like reading what you write, I like your “voice” if that makes sense.

    I’m blogging intermittently myself these days because it just takes so much time to put together something I consider worth reading.


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