Posted by: DD | December 18, 2006

no. 342 – Secrets

I’ve alluded to the possibility that I’m an asshole on more than one occassion. It’s not me just trying to show a little humility for the sake of getting you to convince me of otherwise. I am stating what unfortunately, for the most part, is true.

I’m embarrassed to a large degree about exposing what we all know is a deep, dark, blogging secret which is admitting that there are some blogs that after reading for a while, we stop reading. For example, almost a year ago I started reading this blog and became a regular commentor there, as she did for me.

Then something happened. I stopped reading. I had caught her in a lie.

And she got pregnant.

I have told myself ever since that I stopped reading because of the lie. Morally, I couldn’t relate. I felt betrayed because I took an "omission of fact" as a betrayal.

The thing is, I realize that I could have easily overlooked it, or even called her out on it, but I didn’t. I had many excuses, and certainly the lie contributed to some of what I was feeling; however I think the reason I refused to reach back out was because of her pregnancy.

When I started blogging, the news of a positive pregnancy test didn’t have near the impact on my heart as it does now. I had just one IUI and miscarriage under my belt, literally and figuratively. Time passed and all too quickly I had nothing but failed cycles and two more miscarriages to show for our efforts and I became more jaded.

Living with infertility and miscarriages is like living in a cave. It’s cold. It’s lonely, and usually there are limited ways of escaping. In this cave I stand, frozen by fear and uncertainty, under a staligmite of sadness. The tears, hardly noticeable at first in their consistent drips, start to dry and harden and build up layer upon layer until by the time I realize I have to take action, I’ve become heavy and brittle.

It’s now about self-preservation. For those I have been reading since my beginnings that have finally found themselves pregnant, I will continue to read. But I regretfuly admit that out of self-preservation and my own sanity, I have chosen to stop reading many others. I even have gone so far on a blog I had just started reading to remove them from my bloglines because they had a very successful retrieval and transfer of some beautiful embryos and I just knew that they would probably get pregnant. The only way to relieve some of the guilt I felt was knowing that if it did fail, a couple of the other blogs I was still reading would post about the negative.

I know I’m not the only one who has been impacted in this way. I noticed that within days of my last pregnancy announcement, seven people unsubscribed from my blog in bloglines. I don’t know who they were, and I don’t know if since my miscarriage if they have come back. Either way I cannot find fault in their actions.

I apologize if any of you are offended by my admission. I’m not proud of my actions. They are truly selfish. I hold out hope that I will get past this, and I can see a dot of light from deep inside my little cave. It comes happily in the way of a card exchange. It comes most serendipitiously in the way of someone giving me an opportunity I never would have known about. It comes with complete surprise from strangers and friends alike who gather, and together, send me a gift that brings tears to my eyes and melts my heart.

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Responses

  1. Dear DD, I can so relate. Standing in this cave for so long while vibrant life goes on outside is so hard.

    Sweetie, you have to protect your heart as well as you know how. We all do. XO

  2. I read a lot of blogs whose authors don’t read me anymore and that’s perfectly fine. I understand. I’ve removed pregnant bloggers from my bloglines and ceased reading folks who I just knew were going to get pregnant. I don’t think you need to feel at all badly about doing this. I think most people understand and, the others, well, they should.

  3. That makes it even more of an honour that you continue to read my blog and be my friend.

  4. DD,
    I had to stop reading the same blog. You know there was more going on there than some omission you didn’t challenge. She was lying about other things and I’d noticed additional irregularities. Don’t be hard on yourself for someone else being less than honorable. I can’t read her either. And it’s not just her pregnancy.

    The pregnancies that kill me are the “SIF” ones that are hard fought through the IF, but still seem to come easily. When IFers get one and have another, no matter how much I might appreciate the person, I reflect on how many babies I should have had the last eight years of my SIF. I know it’s not fair to compare, but I am finding that the successful IFers trying again successfully, as they really have not had the trials/comparisons/lifestyle of SIF to be truly SIF, pains me greatly. There’s yet another difference within the island, yet in this case I don’t unsubscribe, as it is my deal not theirs. But it is my ugly secret. We all have them.

  5. I think it sounds like a completely sane and totally understandable choice.

  6. It sounds very reasonable to me DD.

  7. DD,

    I think that is a quite logical choice. No one’s blog is readable for every person all of the time. I can very much relate. For some masicistic reason, I’m drawn to blogs about childbirth – especially those preparing for their first baby. I can’t read them if it works out just as they had planned. It brings back the pain – even with the awesome drugs I’m taking. I am especially happy to continue reading blogs where it didn’t work out as such. Why? I think that it has something to do with not wanting to feel alone. I’m not the only one who planned to give birth like the women in the fields who ended up with a c-section. It’s comforting to me. It means that I wasn’t singled out by God as a punishment. When things go as planned, I get the “why not me” pity party started up. I don’t know if this is because misery loves company or not. Maybe it’s jealousy. Whatever, it’s human nature.

    This doesn’t answer anything. I know. But you are not the only one who picks and chooses what you read. That’s the beauty of blogging. With freedom of speech, everyone has the right to voice their opinions and stories. That doesn’t guarantee the right to be heard. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Quite honestly, when I read the title “Secrets,” I was expecting something juicier. 😉 😉

  8. I do know the sort of thing you’re referring to. I find that it is easier for me to be happy for my friends who struggled through infertility treatments to get pregnant vs. the “oops” pregnancy or the pregancy that occurred after 6 months of trying. So that makes me back away from my best friend that is currently pregnant w/an oops pregnancy. Is it right? No, and I struggle with it constantly. I tend to try to spend more time with people who have adopted children or are in the process (like me), have grown children, or no children. I find that makes it a little easier.

  9. I do the same thing… and I’m glad you brought it up… heck one of my best friends struggled for 18 months – had a polyp removed – got pregnant and wham had a baby. In that 18 months she had said some nasty things about my “positive” attitude and well it has changed our relationship. (no I’m not bitter not at all) If positive attitude got you things than I’d be a mom by now… so while I’m still positive most of the time there are days when to be blunt – I can’t read those that have had success – whether it be from their first IVF or from their first IUI – but those that I “know” and “care” I continue to read… whether the news is good or bad and hope that the good news outweighs the bad. Sometimes we have to do what we must to keep ourselves sane and that’s okay.

  10. Asshole? I think not! I don’t know the blog of which you speak, but I understand why you stopped reading her. There’s enough in this world that we can’t control – might as well take control when we can!!!

  11. YOu have to protect yourself, first and foremost. We all do. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  12. I don’t think you are terrible at all. I think that you are taking care of yourself and that’s the smartest thing you can do!

  13. I would have done the same thing. Only I think I would have called her on the lie. Not to “burn” her in public or start a blog-war, just in a simple email letting her know that she was caught in her lie and that you were going to stop reading her blog.

  14. It’s funny, my husband accused me of having a hardened attitude this weekend. And I wasn’t even that hurt (see how hard I have become?) I just said “If three years of this shit doesn’t make a person hard, I don’t know what will.” And you know what he said? “You have a point there.”

    And so do you. You have a point here. It’s hard. We get hard. We do the best we can and whoever judges hasn’t been there.

  15. Anything that you do in the name of self-preservation isn’t being an ass. It’s taking care of *you*, which I think we all know falls to the wayside far too often.

    Whatever you need to do, you do. I’ll still be here reading. Hey, I’m an ass too – it’s nice to know I’m in good company.

  16. You are being human.

    Self-preservation is vital in nature…especially preservation of one’s heart, emotions and sanity.

  17. I don’t care when people stop reading my blog. I don’t have a bloglines so I can never tell who comes or goes. I don’t stop reading pregnancy blogs altogether, but I check in much less often. What I hate more than anything is when pregnant bloggers seem to forget IF. I understand wanting to put the chapter behind them, but it feels cold to exclude the people who haven’t won yet. I’m being hypersensitive, I’m aware.

    You aren’t an asshole at all.

  18. I’m not sure that I know the blog you’re talking about, but I can completely understand. I’ve unsubscribed from blogs in which the person is pregnant and goes from IF hell to roses and sunshine. I just don’t understand the dichotomy, and if I can’t relate, I’m not going to read it.

    Can I assume from your comment about a specific blog’s entry that that’s something you’re pursuing? I hope you’ll write more about that process.

    I feel very fortunate to have found your blog, and honored that you read mine.

  19. I no longer apologize or feel guilty for cutting pregnancy blogs out of my bloglnes, even though I would still like to read their blogs (waves at Waverly). I very rarely add new blogs to my blogroll, and to be honest, am probably even more ruthless in cutting them out at, y’know, the first sign of success. Cuz I’m bitter like that.

    yeah.

  20. I don’t see the asshole, DD. Honestly. And there’s a real nugget in this post, too, about how important the bloggers are that you’ve been reading since the beginning. I feel that participating in the card exchange was quite courageous. I feel this because I was too chicken to join in — real names, people who are even MORE real, closer to your heart, maybe easier to get hurt. I love the stalagmite analogy. So true. I’m approaching the heavy brittle stage myself.

  21. DD,

    I think you need to do whatever is best for YOU and not anyone else. I don’t think it makes you an asshole for not reading someone’s blog anymore. You have a great deal of pain and you should never have to add to it.

    Thinking of you.

  22. I think you have to do whatever it is that makes you able to “deal” with life. I made the decision a few months ago that I wasn’t going to take on any new blogs – I still have a vested interest in the ones I currently read but at some point in order for ME to move on, I need to be less consumed by others struggles (and sucesses). It sounds selfish but it’s purely self preservation.

    I suspect that I know what blog you’re talking about because I have also seen inconsistancies. It’s definetly a betrayal.

  23. I couldn’t agree more with the ‘self-preservation’ comments. I think those of us who have lived with IF for so many years have spent far too many moments worried about what ‘every one else” might think. Screw that!
    On a PS – thank you for the BEAUTIFUL card!! It completely made my day and the card was exquisite. I’m glad I participated in the card exchange with ya. Have a wonderful holiday season… and read whatever you want to in the blogosphere 🙂

  24. I agree with what everyone else says about self-preservation, and obviously if someone is misrepresenting themselves online, they are not worth your time.
    One thing I do want to mention though, not everyone who struggles with infertility has an infertility blog per se. And not everyone who becomes pregnant immediately begins keeping a purely pregnancy blog although I have seen it happen to bloggers I never thought would go that way.
    But in the end, you have the right to read, or not read whatever you like, without apology.

  25. I think you are doing the right thing…it can be so incredibly hard reading pg blogs. I know that even though I’m password protected, I still lost about 1/2 my readers. And that’s okay. I even posted about how I wanted them to feel comfortable leaving or staying. It’s tough…there are still blogs out there that I stopped reading back in the day to protect myself and then went back to start reading again to catch up, but then realized that it still brought up a ton of shitty feelings. So, I decided to still not read them. Pregnant or not, the shit that infertility brings up, never quite goes away. You are doing the right thing for you! I do want you to know that during the darkest hours of the beginning of this pregnancy, your presence and quotes were so comforting and for that, I’m eternally grateful. I will still be keeping up with you and I know that good things will always come to those who wait. :o)

  26. I think blog reading can be a limited time offer, depending what’s going on with you and your life and it’s perfectly normal to move on to other blogs (topics) over time. I don’t think it should be taken personally.

    Here’s something to cheer you up…
    It’s an idea for a last minute Christmas gift:

    http://www.break.com/index/snl_a_special_christmas_box.html

  27. I understand what you are saying..it is about taking care of your heart.

    I don’t know the blog you are talking about though and am very curious!!!

    Oh, and your card is coming. I’m late. I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.

  28. I love you, you asshole 😉

  29. Dying to know which blog you’re talking about. Because I AM an asshole, truly : )
    I don’t think you’re an asshole in the bad way. Gnarly troll? Absolutely.
    I am so glad I found you, so glad that you have chosen to remain my friend (and after reading this, doubly glad and grateful). You are pretty rockin’, my friend.

  30. Damn I wish I knew who’s blog you were talking about it.

    I’m with you. There are some folks I can keep reading, some I can’t. Everything becomes about self-preservation and that’s just fine. Because none of this should cause us more pain.

    And if you’re an asshole for this, I can’t imagine what I am, bitter bitch that I am.

  31. Save yourself, save your sanity. If that makes you “selfish,” so be it. Sometimes selfish is necessary for survival.


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