Posted by: DD | January 5, 2007

no. 355 – “Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This”

So why am I feeling "blech"? It’s a lot of little (and big) things and a whole lot of nothing, I guess.

What is most pronounced though, is that I’ve been thinking about quitting to try for another child. By that, I mean, completely. No more treatments, no adopting. Just quit.

Typing those last two words just brought tears to my eyes. I guess I needed to see them in black and white to understand the full impact.

I’ve alienated many family and friends over the past couple of years and as each one pulls aways – or as I pull away from them – the loss is felt, but still doesn’t outweigh my selfish desire. At what point will I realize that my unwillingness to move beyond this vacuum will ultimately destroy anything good I have left?

I have this perception that everyone around me has an agenda that is directly counterproductive to mine. That sounds so melodramatic, doesn’t it?

But what am I supposed to think when friends and family tell me "to be happy with what I have." My husband accuses me of making him feel as if I’ve "written him off" and that he is not interested in adoption. The only person who seems to think I can get pregnant and stay pregnant is my RE, and I pay her.

I know that things will be better if, IF, we had another baby. But on the other hand, how do I know that that things won’t be better even if we didn’t? I would be happy eventually, either way, right?



  1. Wow, girl. That must be so huge for you.
    Just now as Hubs is getting his appointments set (no sooner than the end of Feb) is the time that I am wondering if I’m not beginning to obsess over this just because I’m not getting what I want. When my life plans don’t go exactly as I have perfectly planned them (total sarcasm), it throws my whole mindset for a total loop. Thus explaining the constant loopiness, right? 😉
    Here for ya, if ya wanna let it out, hun.

  2. OMM, that’s a very good point. Does the quest for baby follow the same vein as “absence makes the heart grow fonder” aka “infertility makes the brain more obsessed”?

  3. I’m always of the belief that you should make the most of what you have, but that doesn’t mean I’m not rooting for you!

  4. I think the only way things would be better if you didn’t have another child is if it was something that you truly wanted not something that you were resigned too.

    I think that the only way I would only be able to shut the door is if I was no longer able to keep going on, rather than the people around me.

    I think that you can be happy for what you have and still have an ache for what you don’t.

    Sorry things are so hard

  5. Wow – I can’t believe what similar paths so many of us take in our lives. I found myself at such a similar crossroads just a few years ago. My journey has come to adoption. However, it was a long, hard fight and it nearly cost me my relationship.

    At what point will I realize that my unwillingness to move beyond this vacuum will ultimately destroy anything good I have left?

    I relate to this statement more than you know. In my case, though, it was a final ultimate choice that I wanted to be a mother. If those around me weren’t on board with that plan, then I’d have to surround myself with different people. It cost me many friends and alienated members of my family. I made the decision to leave my dearly beloved. These years later I still have the same man; I still have the same family. I’m also proud to say that I’m on my way to brining my son home. It ain’t a Hollywood ending, but it’s MY ending. I’m a firm believer that you can’t make other people happy if you aren’t happy yourself. Call me selfish.

    Only you can decide what makes you happy and only you can decide when you’ve had enough on this ugly rollercoaster of IF. I realize you have Mr. DD and X to think about. I don’t know if I could have made the same decisions had I already been married and had a child. For me, I just knew I couldn’t live a life of regret or resentment. Giving up my dream of motherhood would left me just that. No matter how “good” I had it.

  6. “I would be happy eventually, either way, right?”

    Only you can answer that.

  7. “I would be happy eventually, either way, right?”

    Is that you head or heart talking?

  8. And by “you” I mean “your”

  9. Isn’t it always the head that takes the final lead? The heart starts the race, the head ends it.

  10. Sometimes I have to step back and see that I am fighting for somethng because it is against teh odds, because someone said “no” or “I don’t want to” only to realize I just wanted to fight to prove people wrong.

    NOT that this is what you are doing.

    I guess the only person who can make you happy ultimately, is you.

  11. It hurts to know that you’re hurting so much. I disagree that it’s a selfish desire. How is it selfish to love the child that you have SO MUCH that you desperately want another one? Is wanting to give that love to another child selfish, or is that the ultimate in parenting? I see it as very selfLESS to be willing to put yourself through so much for someone you don’t even know yet. You’re not doing this for you, you’re doing it for the child you want.

    Of course you should be happy with what you have. Should that stop you from wanting more? Just because you want another child doesn’t mean that X doesn’t make you deliriously happy.

    Isn’t Mr. DD writing you off by refusing to consider other ways to bring a child into your family? It’s not about one of you being right and one being wrong, but in matters of the heart, it’s very hard not to view it that way.

    I also disagree with the heart starting, but the head finishing. For our adoption choice, our heads led with financial concerns–we couldn’t afford to adopt from certain countries that we would have considered. But our hearts made the decision of Ethiopia. I did the same thing about adopting a toddler instead of a newborn–thought about it rationally first, then let my heart go in the direction it needed to go. I think that’s how you should be approaching it, too. Think about the decision rationally. Make lists. After seeing all of the logical reasons to keep going and the logical reasons to stop, let your heart make the decision. I really believe it’s the only way you can come to terms with whatever that decision might be.

  12. You have to do what feels right to you. With lots of conflicting messages rolling around in your brain, I am sure it is difficult to figure out what that is, but the fact that you are feeling “blech” leads me to believe that something you are doing now does not feel right to you. When you felt this — “Typing those last two words just brought tears to my eyes. I guess I needed to see them in black and white to understand the full impact.” — did you also feel a sense of relief? If yes, then I think you already know what you want to do, it is just going to be a difficult step to take. If not, then maybe you still want to have another child, but the course of action you are currently taking toward that end isn’t the right one for you.

  13. They say that having a baby doesn’t cure infertility. I like to think I’d be bitter and warped either way.

  14. “We may not have it all together,
    but together, we have it all”
    This is the mantra that I repeat to myself when Joe is pissing me off or I’m bitching & moaning about the things that we DON’T have.

  15. This is such a tough place to be. I just had a conversation with my husband this morning, telling him I just want this to end one way or another. It’s just that that’s not realy true, I want it to end the way I want it to end.

    No one can really answer this for you, but I know you know that. (that is part of the agony). You do have good things in your life, but that does not mean you can’t want what you want. I think it may come to a lesser of evils kind of thing if you are finding that striving for what else you want starts to diminish what you already have.

    I’m just so sorry that it always comes back to this painful place where we (the infertile) have to be happy with less than what most others can take for granted. But I guess the flip side is that there are always those worse off than us too. I just don’t see how the fact that my neighbor lost his leg makes my broken one feel any less painful. (One of my many stupid analogies).

    I have only questions in this area, no answers. I feel for you. You sound as sad as I feel but you are brave enough to write about it.

  16. I hate to be morbid but, what if you did have another baby and that baby had some horrific disease or that grew up to be an ax murderer? How would that alter your life? Would you be happier? Maybe it just isn’t meant to be… maybe for a reason. Who knows? I’m probably just talking out my butt here.

  17. DD, thinking of you.

  18. I don’t have any words of wisdom. This is hard stuff, really hard stuff. I think it’s even harder when you and your spouse aren’t on the same page. We have friends that was true for and it added so much pain and stress to an already painful and stressful situation.

    While I’m sure your friends and family love you and want the best for you, only you can decide what is truly the best for you.

    Thinking of you.

  19. What a decision to make.. It just sounds though that you are not really meaning what you say.
    I can’t offer you anything other than my support.

    Be wise.

  20. Dear DD, that decision is such a difficult one, and I wish you lots and lots of strength for it. Know that I’m thinking of you and wishing I could help.

  21. Oh DD, I’m sending you warm thoughts from the north. They might not help you settle the argument between head and heart, but hopefully they lessen the sadness just a wee bit.

  22. Hi DD – I hope today is a little better.

    Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this post a bit and for me it came down to knowing that I had tried everything that was reasonable for us to try. If we had just stopped when I was 40 and had never done the IVF, I still think that I would have always regretted it (beating myself up with what I should have been willing to do). And that’s even knowing that our IVF cycles were all unsuccessful.
    I guess where you need to start looking to your poets, saints and sages is in determining what are “reasonable” lengths to go to. And of course, it’s not at all likely that two people are going to agree on that (even if they’re married) and that’s probably where compromise rears it’s head (it did with my husband and I anyway).
    So how much are you willing to go through and how much are you willing to compromise? I don’t know that there is any correct answer to that.

  23. Hmmm – I think I wrote your post! Did you plagiarize me? No seriously, I think that you have come to a point where you are trying to figure out what you want more…nothing wrong with that. It sound like Mr. DD is to the limit and doesn’t have the same driving desire that you do. I know that my DH was just going through the motions of doing stuff to make me happy and it threatened our marriage severely not once but two times. I’m seriously surprised we are still together after all of this infertility mess. And who is to say the problems won’t pop up again? In the end, he knew and I knew that I wanted a family and he knew that as a twosome it might not be enough, but I do believe even through adoption one day, we would have been able to fill the void..who knows.

    I do like the quote the Catizhere posted:
    “We may not have it all together,
    but together, we have it all”. It’s a nice warm fuzzy that makes the dark days of infertility not seem so bad.

  24. I wish I had something profound to say, but I don’t. I just wanted to let you know that it makes me terribly sad that you are faced with this choice. I simply cannot imagine having to make it myself. I will be thinking of you as you do some serious soul searching and hopefully come up with an answer.

  25. This is so tough, I really don’t know what to say (this is my third try). For me, it’s Tertia’s point about quitting that always hits home. It’s time to quit when the pain of continuing is worse than the pain of stopping. Where are you?

  26. I heard Cyndi Lauper’s remix of Time after Time today. Her voice sounds better now at almost fifty than it did when she was a young woman the first time I ever heard her sing that song back when I was in grade six.

    When she sang it the first time she was inspired by her mother. Time after time she knew her mother would be there for her. I know that this time around, doing the remix, Cyndi is a mother herself, and it made me wonder… her voice is so different. The tone of the song sounds less passionate but more nurturing. When she sings it, is she singing with her child in mind instead of her mom? And as I wondered, I cried.

    I love my mom. I want to love someone as a mom. I can’t tell you how many times people have tried to comfort me by telling me that at least I have my students, and that I am a mother figure to all those kids, and to be grateful for having at least those kids and a job I love.

    It’s not fair that anyone tries to put some kind of guilt trip on you to be grateful for what you’ve got. You have a lot of love to give. Of course you want another child. Certainly you are not UNgrateful for your beautiful son.

    It’s hell — infertility. If quitting will bring you back to the light, then quit. The wounds we have will never heal, but they will absolutely stop bleeding.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  27. It all so very much sucks. I hope you are okay.

  28. It’s a good point. Some say that the secret of happiness is to appreciate what you have…but others say that things worth having are worth suffering for.

    I wish I knew what the answer was for you but I wish you happiness in whatever path you choose.

  29. You are in a tough place right now, not to mention full of hormones. Get through this cycle, make the lists, and balance your head and your heart. In the end it will all be okay. If it isn’t okay, it’s not the end. I am pulling for you.

  30. I don’t know what thinking about a decision like this is like. I know it must bring up so much for you in terms of everything you have already been through and the uncertainty of the future.
    I do know that finding a way to make a decision one way or another and then being at peace and eventually happy in that is a big , difficult job and I wish you strength in the decision making process.

  31. It sucks to be where you are.
    I’m thinking of you.

  32. Well, you definitely have plenty of responses…and I’m late as usual…and don’t have time to read them all. So I will just say my 2 cents and leave it at that.

    This obviously is an indescribably enormous issue. One that ultimately can only be decided by you. Everyone around you can give their input, their insight and their opinions. But only you can decide which path to follow. Life is full of What If’s we all already discussed that.

    You have to look deep inside your heart then mentally visualize life as it may be down each path. Then listen to how your heart responds to these paths and choose which one feels more right. At this point I don’t think either one is going to feel REALLY Right…you’ll probably feel more like you are picking between a rock and a hard place. You need to figure out which one feels MORE right than the other. I’m sure whichever path you end up choosing will bring you happiness…you are trying to decide which one will bring you the most happiness.

    I wish we could make this easier for you, but realistically we can’t. That is Life. It’s has obstacles and really really big mountains to climb.

  33. I have visited your site 852-times

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