Posted by: DD | February 7, 2007

no. 379 – Well, That Sucked

I’m assuming most of you understood the significance of my last post. It’s now been 30 months since we have been trying to add to our family. Of course not 30 cycles since you have to subtract out all that time lost to dead babies (7 months), ovarian cysts (2 minuscule months) and my husband’s damaged male ego (21 months). Let’s not forget that’s 3.3 new babies in Duggar Life.

Am I OK**?

Now you know that’s just a rhetorical question, because of course, I am not OK. Every comment and email makes me cry anew. I think it’s because it emphasizes how alone I am right now in my real world. I’ve got a virtual Dream Team surrounding me from all corners of the earth, but not ONE person here, in my real world, who truly understands my pain and will wrap their arms around me and tell me that eventually…I’ll be OK. No, not even my husband understands.

At this moment, at the height of my grief, I am thinking stupid, crazy thoughts. For example, I hope that while on my trip to Colorado that I’ll break an arm or a leg. My physical manifestation of what my heart feels right now. Even a stranger would understand that pain. They’ll see my cast and ask what happened; if it hurts; how long will I have to wear it; will I have therapy, and so on and so on. No one asks that when your cycle fails because they don’t see it.

Why is that, anyway? We see a cast, a splint, a bandage, and we are all over that person with comments, consolation, advice, and support. I want to be able to wear a patch over my heart (maybe even one over my ovaries/uterus as well) that would be society’s physical cue indicating I have broken, bruised or sprained something. On the other hand, how many people who have ever worn a splint on their foot hear the joke over and over again about how they must have damaged the appendage by kicking their significant other? Maybe I would tire of the, “What’s the matter, can’t your husband knock you up?” or “I’ll be a donor. I know my boys can swim.” and then there’s the potential, “Dang! This is your, what? 8th medicated cycle? Is your uterus toxic or somethin’? *hyuck, hyuck"

There will be nothing new to report for a while, either here or over at *The Other Site because of our trip in a couple of weeks. Instead I will continue to regale you in tales of the trivial and completely nonsensical, rather par for the course, no?

* Yes, there is another site that I use to provide details on the status of my afore mentioned toxic uterus and love of all things A.R.T. I intended to use it to announce my secret pregnancy because some IRL people like to shoot off their mouths, but you can see how that’s working for me. I will honor most requests for access to The Other Site.

** I am still not OK.

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Responses

  1. It hit me with a big *thunk* to see this post and imagine how you must be feeling. I must admit that it’s easier to give support in writing than to just say it, but one thing blogland has taught me is that I need to say it more. You never know what pain someone is going through, so I try harder to be more sensitive and aware of that and offer support when I can. So here’s hoping that you will get the support you deserve IRL along with all our thoughts and cyber hugs. Take care, Leslie

  2. Oh, I’m so sorry…hey want to join the crowbar crew? My favourite method for getting the anger out when a big cycle fails or a baby dies. I grab a crowbar and smash something. (Hopefully not a necessary something.)
    Walls, trees, rocks. General demolition stuff, no productivity allowed.
    Scary, but helpful, really…

  3. Can you send me the info for the secret site again? I have lost it (did I mention I just got diagnosed with ADD?) and I am sad about it.

    I’m also so sad that you feel this way. I know what you mean about not having anyone in real life. I don’t either. I have plenty of people who send me emails and leave comments but not one person who can come over right now and make me feel less alone.

    Is the house next door to yours available?

  4. If I knew where to find you, I would be there. Copious amounts of alcohol included.

  5. Wish we could all hug you in person.

  6. I’ve thought the same thing – so many times. How easy would it be if we just had a cast or a limp or something easy. I’m just waiting for my company to get a big client in your area so I can come over and give you a hug. I’ll bring a crowbar too – that’s a good idea.

  7. I’m sorry DD – and I completly understand the “no one in real life getting it” thing. It does suck.

  8. Of *COURSE* you’re NOT OK!
    Nor, would we expect you to be. It’s ok to be sad DD. It’s normal. It’s helpful. It’s painful and hella-lonely too.
    It’s hard…I don’t care what anyone says…I’m still not over my miscarriage, and that was back in 2005. You can’t help but want your babies…want to hold them, love them, care for them…even though I was blessed enough to get Will, I still wonder about the “middle child”. Boy or girl? Dark haired like Joe or blonde like me? Blue eyes or green?

    I SO wish that I lived close to you.I would be there with a pot of tea, a big comfy quilt to wrap you in & we could just sit on the couch and do nothing.

  9. I broke my leg two years ago, it’s never been the same, and I mostly just tough it out – but when I’m having a bad day I limp. That seemed relevant when I started this…

    Wish I was in hugging distance.

  10. It’s understanding that you aren’t OK after what you have been through / are going through. I hope your trip helps you feel a little better about things or at least you get some temporary enjoyment for a while. I don’t really know what to say other than I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

    Take care

  11. I wish it could be different for you, in so many ways. That there were people around you that “got it”, that you’d never had the miscarriages, that Vivienne was here and you’d never have even had to go through IVF. I’m sorry. It just sucks- a whole lot.

  12. This just sucks. I’m so very sorry and wish I lived much closer.

  13. I’m not sure how to delicately suggest a therapist. Not trying to minimize your grief at the moment, because certainly, you’re entitled to grieve not only the babies lost, but the potential lost…but if there’s nobody there in real life to understand, maybe a therapist can help? I just know, having our therapist, an “impartial” third party, has been really helpful for my husband and me. Maybe having that person to talk to could help.

  14. I was so hoping this would be the month for you. I think sometimes the pain I feel for others going through infertility gets mixed up with my own personal pain & grief. I think most of seek out brave people like yourself because IRL we mostly feel alone. At least with our internet world we have people to reach out to. Take care.

  15. I’m sorry, DD.

  16. We’re here for you, DD. I’m really sorry.

  17. Amen to the heart/ uterus/ ovaries patch.
    I totally understand the feeling that no one IRL gets it. I despise the saying that God gives us what we can handle. That’s so crap & I’m sickly tired of hearing RL asshats telling me that line.
    I wish I could give you tons of hugs as supportive as my thoughts are for you.
    I don’t expect you to be *okay*.

  18. It all just sucks monkey balls, doesn’t it?

    Did you hear about the workers who filled in the snake pit at the zoo? They left the snakes without a pit to hiss in.

    Yeah…not sure you want to give me the url to the Other Site after that, but I’m-a asking for it anyway!

  19. DD, I’m so sorry you’re feeling alone in your pain and grieving. That’s exactly what it is. A death of hopes and dreams. I hope you might consider talking with a therapist, even for a few sessions. Not because I think you’re nuts or anything, but because sometimes we need a safe place to spill out all our stuff. I am thinking of you a lot, dear.

  20. You could be talking to me! I’ve been having those exact thoughts for a while now. Why I haven’t blogged them down, I don’t know. Too much going on I guess. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that reading this post made me want to pull my arms through my laptop screen and give you a hug and tell you that you’re not really alone. Virtually that is.

    I understand you, I’m with you on the pain thingy 🙂 It probably doesn’t help much, I mean, I can’t really pull my arms through the screen and you‘re still alone!

    For what its worth, as much as my H. is a great husband, daddy etc, he does not and never has got how much I hurt and how alone I feel in this pain! That will never change, people will never change.

    Feel alone? Me too. You just have to accept it, like all the other crap we’ve had to accept.

    XXX

  21. Can I get access to the other blog? How?
    x

  22. This post really hit home with me. I wish there was a sling or a cast or a big giant bandaid too.

    Even my friends IRL who have tried their very best to get it are now tired of seeing me scrape myself off the floor. I get that it’s hard to watch someone you care about suffer, but still I want them to get that I do suffer. I mean you don’t tell a cancer patient to just move on, do you??? (Though I suspect even cancer patients, IRL, probably tend to find that people start avoiding them eventually too, except for the few and the brave.)

    Where are they? The few and the brave?

    God, I wish I were there to give you that wrap around understanding but I’ll just have to do it from here.

  23. I wish I could meet you in real life and tell you how sorry I am for all the sadness and pain you have to deal with. My thoughts are with you.

  24. I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, but I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I wish it was different. You will be in my thoughts and prayers while you go through this.

  25. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I too wish I were closer to you so I could give you a big hug and let you talk about your pain and sadness.

    Somehow society lessens the pain of IF in “compairson” to other pain. That is so unfair.

    Hugs

  26. DD, sweetie, I wish I could come over and give you a real life hug. I wish that you had someone IRL that could help you pick up the pieces of your heart. I wish that it were all different, that you hadn’t lost Vivienne or Wolf. I wish that wishes could come true.

  27. It’s all so very very sad, sweetie I am horribly sorry.

  28. DD, I know it doesn’t help a lot but I can relate so well. Just yesterday in bed I was thinking how alone I really feel with this shit, even with this great husband of mine snoring right next to me.

    When I told a friend about my Asherman’s and how it pains me in regard to my infertility, all she wanted to know was “does it hurt?.” The emotional pain just wasn’t concrete enough. It’s the same with endometriosis. It only “counts” when it “hurts”, and even then only for insurance purposes.

  29. I hope I get to see you this summer in SC. I’ve got a bottle of alcohol with our names on it. We’ll leave the boys with the menfolk and drink away a lot of the pain. Or try to, at least.

    Damn it all.

  30. I could never decide if I was more upset that people didn’t ask or if they did. I wish blogging had been around when I was suffering, I think it would have helped me a little. I can soooo relate to your comment about your husband doesn’t even get it..mine didn’t either. I would get so pissed at him for not understanding at the same time I was wanting a baby with him…it really plays games with your head!

  31. So how far away are you? You know-for hugging purposes…

    It seems everyone around me has forgotten about my miscarraiges. Not that I want them to talk about them, but acknowledge the fact that my son could have had two older sibs!!
    Acknowledge the fact that it still hurts when the obgyn asks “How many pregnancies and how many live births?” because they always ask me that, no matter how many times they write it down…
    Acknowledge the fact that if it happens to you, I WILL UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I”VE BEEN THERE.

  32. All I can say: I’m thinking of you, hurting for you and hurting with you. This is month 30 for us, as well.

  33. Do we need to do a another road trip??? It’s our turn this time. Let’s make sure there’s lots of liquor involved.

  34. I think I had access to the other site, but cannot find it (had to get a new computer) Could you give me the info?

    I still wish I could give you a real hug.


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