no. 379 – Well, That Sucked

I’m assuming most of you understood the significance of my last post. It’s now been 30 months since we have been trying to add to our family. Of course not 30 cycles since you have to subtract out all that time lost to dead babies (7 months), ovarian cysts (2 minuscule months) and my husband’s damaged male ego (21 months). Let’s not forget that’s 3.3 new babies in Duggar Life.

Am I OK**?

Now you know that’s just a rhetorical question, because of course, I am not OK. Every comment and email makes me cry anew. I think it’s because it emphasizes how alone I am right now in my real world. I’ve got a virtual Dream Team surrounding me from all corners of the earth, but not ONE person here, in my real world, who truly understands my pain and will wrap their arms around me and tell me that eventually…I’ll be OK. No, not even my husband understands.

At this moment, at the height of my grief, I am thinking stupid, crazy thoughts. For example, I hope that while on my trip to Colorado that I’ll break an arm or a leg. My physical manifestation of what my heart feels right now. Even a stranger would understand that pain. They’ll see my cast and ask what happened; if it hurts; how long will I have to wear it; will I have therapy, and so on and so on. No one asks that when your cycle fails because they don’t see it.

Why is that, anyway? We see a cast, a splint, a bandage, and we are all over that person with comments, consolation, advice, and support. I want to be able to wear a patch over my heart (maybe even one over my ovaries/uterus as well) that would be society’s physical cue indicating I have broken, bruised or sprained something. On the other hand, how many people who have ever worn a splint on their foot hear the joke over and over again about how they must have damaged the appendage by kicking their significant other? Maybe I would tire of the, “What’s the matter, can’t your husband knock you up?” or “I’ll be a donor. I know my boys can swim.” and then there’s the potential, “Dang! This is your, what? 8^th medicated cycle? Is your uterus toxic or somethin’? *hyuck, hyuck"

There will be nothing new to report for a while, either here or over at *The Other Site because of our trip in a couple of weeks. Instead I will continue to regale you in tales of the trivial and completely nonsensical, rather par for the course, no?

* Yes, there is another site that I use to provide details on the status of my afore mentioned toxic uterus and love of all things A.R.T. I intended to use it to announce my secret pregnancy because some IRL people like to shoot off their mouths, but you can see how that’s working for me. I will honor most requests for access to The Other Site.

** I am still not OK.