Posted by: DD | February 12, 2007

no. 383 – A Sign

I know that I still believe in God, but in what capacity? I have no idea. Do I still have faith? Not much, not right now. I don’t know if it will be possible to have my faith restored, not without some serious bargaining, anyway.

You know the kind: "God, if you would give me another child, I will believe again."

Not exactly the kind of thing I would want to hear if I was God. Maybe that’s why we’re having a hard time coming to terms. "If you will believe in Me again, I might give you another child."

I can’t say I’m liking those terms, either, God.

I find myself questioning my faith more while in church. I don’t know why I go because I swear it’s one of the most depressing places to go when one is trying to have a baby, second only to Target. Every week I am on the look-out for the best place to sit that will keep me from being assaulted with someone’s new baby or a burgeoning baby-bump. Usually the front pews are the safest. This Sunday I thought I was going to get lucky for the first time since we returned to church, which was a year ago. No one noticeably pregnant was within view. I saw a few babies, but no newborns. Finally!

But at the end of Mass, when we exited, I walked by a group huddle. In the midst of the huddle was a newborn girl being softly jostled by the beaming new Mom. I saw it’s tiny feet, encased by white booties with pink ribbon. They were there for her baptism. I wonder if or when I will not feel that ache as I walk by trying not to stare.

I look for signs. Who doesn’t? I’ve never actually looked up to the sky with fists raised and said, "Show me a sign, God!" I tend to be a little more low-keyed. Really.

This morning as I was getting my coat on, I noticed the laminated piece of paper that had been on the floor of the mudroom for several days. I knew what it was. It’s red on one side, green on the other and it is to be displayed in the window of your car while in the drive through lane when you got to pick up your children from school. It’s a visual cue to the teachers as to whether or not you have your kids with you. We don’t use it because we prefer to go inside to pick up X (an opportunity to visit briefly with his teacher to make sure he’s doing OK in class).

Anyway, I was tired of seeing it laying on the floor and I stooped over to pick it up, but before I did, I saw My Sign.

I can’t say it’s the one I wanted to see.




  1. Or, if “Children of God” means miscarried pregnancies, then maybe it’s a sign that you are finished having miscarriages, and the next pregnancy (however achieved), will result in a live one.

    Okay, maybe no help at all…but I’m trying, hon, I’m trying…

  2. No, I refuse to believe it … on many levels.

  3. Take this with a grain of salt, as I *am* pagan (but was once christian)….when I read this, I think of the footprints poem.

    Interpret that how you choose.

  4. I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. I have nothing brilliant to say… thinking of you.

  5. thinking of you as well. Take good care, DD.

  6. I don’t know if I believe in signs, but I can certainly see why you viewed this as one.

  7. Out of curiosity: what does the red side say?

    RE: your comment on mypage; it does seem like everyone around me is pregnant. There are presently four women I know that are expecting, and I try not to look at them funny…but I do.

  8. Not “A Sign”, (cue the angelic chorus AAAAHHHHHHHHHH)

    just a sign.

  9. I am so sorry you are where you are right now, DD. The despair colors everything, I know. And I hope it lets go of you soon.

  10. I broke down crying in church this weekend, too. For me it was the cute little bald baby two pews ahead of me. Unfortunately, this was not the first time I have lost it at church. Actually, I am pretty sure this was not the first time I have lost it over this baby…. Things WILL get better-they have to.

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