Posted by: DD | March 1, 2007

no. 392 – Free Association (With a Cost)

Purse dilemma has not been resolved. Still looking. Have checked everyone’s suggestions and still am feeling "meh".

Do not take personally.

Serious question here for all of you. A very, very serious question.

What’s the first thing that pops into your head if I was to say, "We are not seeking any further infertility treatments."

Yes, I know. It’s only important what I think when I say this, but I do want to know what you would think if someone like me, who has blogged off and on about this, suddenly decided that’s it.

What would you think? What would you ask? What would you advise?



  1. 1st thing that popped into my head…more sex less pressure.

    However since you were really really trying to have kids…we here at the playground hope things still work out for you.

  2. Okay, I would think this, but not ask, so don’t take it that way (heh):

    “So that means you’re using no birth control, because you’ll still want to POAS (or temp or chart or just be acutely aware of every boob twinge) if you haven’t given up entirely in your heart.”

    In your case, I’d say, “So you’re back to square 27 again. I wish you peace and hope for your continued desire to stay there happily.”

  3. What popped into my head? What serious popped into my head? And if I thought that you were okay with it, were okay with drawing the line? ……. I’d say, “congratulations.”

  4. Think: What will she write about?
    Ask: Why? What happened to make you decide this?
    Advise: Do whatever you feel, in your heart, is best for your family.

  5. I would think that I’m sorry that you have had to make this decision. I would ask whether it was bringing you peace. I would advise you to know what’s best for your heart and your family. And I would hope that it’s making you feel relieved, at least sometimes, that you don’t have to go through that hell anymore.

  6. I’m with Suz, my first thought was congratulations. Honestly.

  7. I would think (but not say out loud) that I hope you become one of those folk tales.

    I would say that I wish you peace and happiness, in whatever form that takes for you. If you and Mr. DD are good, who am I to try to convince you otherwise?

  8. Ditto Cricket.

    Just because that was me for like a year…until about 6 months ago when I asked myself, really whose kidding who? I’m still hopeful even in months where I haven’t had sex.

  9. My first thought is, “I hope you are really okay with that.”

    As much as I KNOW we are done, I can’t help but WISH we weren’t.

    I have baby fever. Bad.

  10. I agree with Suz. Congrats on making the decision and being “ok” with it.

    Also with Dennis… More sex, less pressure.

  11. I would think that you are especially brave. I don’t have the fortitude to draw the line in the sand and not step over it.

    I’m not sure I would ask or advise anything. It’s a personal decision and I certainly don’t know enough about your situation to be of any real help, particularly because I’m in this until we’re done (either our family is complete, or I have no eggs left).

  12. OK….WHOA there, kids.

    We have not made up our minds one way or another, but the question is no longer one I can hold off another year or two before answering myself.

    It will be soon.

    Too soon.

  13. First thing that popped into my head: That’s one strong woman.

    This has been said so many times, and on so many blogs, but it’s true: Only you know when it’s time to say that you’re done. And I don’t think you can plan out when that time will be. Because you might get to that imagined line in the sand and decide to give it one more go. Or not. It’s up to you.

    Right now I think I’ll go on until I run out of eggs (just like Tinker), but I don’t know that for sure. Today it’s enough to just put one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow, it might not be. And if that’s the case, I’ll deal with that tomorrow.

  14. I would probably ask if you were moving forward with adoption or if you were now happy with your family staying the size that it is. I would be thinking, “Good. I hope this will help you to heal from the losses of the other two and help you to be a happier person.” I, of course, would never say such a thing because it would never come out sounding how I intended it. I wouldn’t advise you to do anything because what the hell do I know? I would, however, remain interested in your adoption exploits if you were going that route. I would probably continue reading your blog even if you all you talked about was purses and snacks. I like purses and snacks and I am nosy about the details of other people’s lives.

  15. I would think “I hope that they came mutally to this decision and are both okay with it.” I would say “You are a very strong couple and I support whatever treatment or non treatment decisions you choose to do – so feel free to vent about not trying or trying – I’m here listening.” Although I will admit to secretly hoping you become one of those legends you know what I’m talking about… Good luck on the purse hunt..

  16. Honestly, I would wonder if it was really a “we” decision or a Mr. DD decision. If you said it truly was what you wanted, I would immediately hope that you found some peace with that decision because you’ve been tortured by all of this for so long. And I woudl feel a little sad that you had to give up hope.

  17. My first thought was, “how brave!” Seriously, to make a decision, especially one as significant as this, is a huge deal. If that is where your heart is leading you, then that’s what you gotta do.

  18. My first thought was, “how brave!” Seriously, to make a decision, especially one as significant as this, is a huge deal. If that is where your heart is leading you, then that’s what you gotta do.

  19. My first thought was, “how brave!” Seriously, to make a decision, especially one as significant as this, is a huge deal. If that is where your heart is leading you, then that’s what you gotta do.

  20. My first thought was, “how brave!” Seriously, to make a decision, especially one as significant as this, is a huge deal. If that is where your heart is leading you, then that’s what you gotta do.

  21. Dear DD, you ask some tough questions there. I would probably think “Are they in agreement?” And I wouldn’t feel qualified to advise anything, because only you could know what’s right for you. It’s so tough, giving up; it’s so hard keeping on.

  22. I’d be pleased to see you’d found the strength to make a decision, and found peace with it.

  23. Probably ‘Congratulations – on making a decision that’s right for you and yours.’

    As for advice, hell, I have enough problems following my own advice in life! 😉

  24. I would wonder if you had really come to terms with the decision, and if you were ok with it. And then I’d give you a hug and say, I’m glad you’ve come to a decision that will work for you and your family. And yes, I’d also ask if you were done growing your family through all means or just infertility treatments.

  25. I’d give you a giant hug and tell you that I understand and that I think it’s a healthy decision even if it’s a hard one. You’ve been through so much heartache and whatever decision you make will be a good one for you but personally I’d be a little relieved for you.

    And I’d look forward to the new spin you’d put on your blog…and your life.

  26. My first thought was – it must have been hard to come to that decision, but I know that you can make a great life because you are a strong person. You couldn’t be less than strong to have put up with all of your other infertility experiences.

  27. My totally selfish first thought was, Oh goody, now she can for sure come visit me this summer. No, I am not dropping that. 😉 More compassionate thought, I am sorry that you have come to that decision, but if that is what you and the Mr. have decided is best for your family and you mental health, then You Go Girl!
    It is not easy to make that call, believe me, I haven’t even put in as much effort as you to get pregnant again, but still every month hope that the Bloody Plague won’t show up. 40 is coming in May so I am to this point. Not doing any more blood tests or worrying (right, who am I kidding?). If it happens, great if not then I am going to work really hard to lose some weight and start running again. Again, who am I kidding on that running thing? 😉
    So now that I have completely taken over you post I will leave it for someone else to comment. Maybe I should post something over on my neglected blog, eh?
    Also, know that whatever you decision, I will be here reading and you know where to call if you need me.

  28. First though, huh? Well, cricket beat me to the punch. Second thought, damn I am so jealous she is able to find enough peace somewhere with this whole process to focus on something else. sorry, i Know thisisn’t about me, but I am being honest. Third thought, will she ever be able to really give it up or is her body, mind, pocketbook, etc., just so sick of it. Fourth thought, what next? Fifth thought, why does there always have to be a “next”.

    I have no assvice since I am no strong enough to move on to anything else just yet. I am hoping that I will just get a surprise one of these months – yes, impossible and pathetic.

  29. My first thought was “WOW.” because that’s how i react to everything.

    No advice from me- who am I to dish stuff out when you see where my life is…hmmmmm.
    I just hope that when the time comes to actually make that decision your final decision, you can be at peace with it.
    Hugs to you, DD.

  30. My first thought was “Okay.”

    I guess (surprisingly) I don’t think about you as an “infertile blogger”.

  31. Meh. I’m stealing that. Heh.

  32. I also don’t read you because you’re an infertility blogger, although if I was part of that community, I might be disappointed (a little). Because it’s good to know that others are out there experiencing and sharing the same anxiety and stress.

    Me. I don’t know. I think I would repeat what many of the commenters are saying here. Give you a virtual hug and make it known that I think your life is going to be so so full. And that it already is. (not that you don’t know that!) And that you’re awesome.

  33. my first reaction is to cringe because I know that when you make that decision, it won’t be easy for you to do. HUGS

  34. Well, I’m biased, of course, because I made that same decision three years ago, but my first thought: no one makes that decision lightly. You know what’s best for you. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right on.

  35. I started to read. Then I though wha-huh. I need more sleep. I realized, just now, that I have the attention span of a monkey on drugs.

  36. I have to admit, the first thing that popped in my mind is that I’m damn jealous of all the sex you get to have without thought to birth control.

    No, seriously. My first thought is that I wish you peace about such a weighty decision. Hell, I wish you some peace, period. You’ve earned some.

  37. Jeez, give a girl a chance to catch up before you start in in the tough ones.

    No assvice here. What would I say? Congratulations.

    And I’d wonder if that meant your family was complete or you were moving on in some other way.

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