Posted by: DD | April 20, 2007

no. 424 – Mola Crazy Than You

You may want to skip this post as it will reveal how I have some moments where I’m actually relieved I have only one child and find myself seriously second-guessing my desire for a second.

The details are moot, but I can tell you that by the time I was getting ready for bed Wednesday Molanight, which was shortly after finally getting X into his own bed, I was on the verge of recreating the scene from Indiana Jones where the witch doctor rips a still-beating heart straight from the victim’s chest, except I was going to reach through my own belly button and dig out my uterus.

I remember the frustrations that came with a new baby, mainly because it was new and they centered around my inexperience as a first-time Mom. It wasn’t X’s fault that he had colic and that I would call my husband 15 minutes after he left the house in tears demanding that he come back home. We didn’t need groceries that bad. It wasn’t X’s fault that he had that nasty round of rotavirus and that within 5 minutes of changing his diaper he would blow them out over and over again and achieved a rash so nasty, it bled. It wasn’t his fault I didn’t make it past 2 months of breastfeeding because I was just too damn tired to try anymore.

These were my problems manifesting themselves through an innocent third party.

However, at 5 years old he now can control things like getting undressed after his swim lessons but won’t because the trunks are wet and sticky so he whines and whines and whines. He can control whether he has to play with every goddamn toy in his room instead of getting dressed, which can take him up to 15 minutes on a good day and always when there is a time-crunch – even though I’ve already picked out his clothes. He also chooses to converse normally with me when I pick him up from school but as soon as he gets into the car the crying starts because he didn’t like the snacks that day at school and now he’s hungry and thirsty.

He tells me I’m lying when whatever I say doesn’t coincide with his perceptions. When I ask him to put away his toys, he responds with "What?". I repeat. "What?" I repeat again, louder. "What? I can’t hear you." Then I start yelling that I’m just going to throw away his toys and he says back, "That’s not what you said. You told me to put away my toys!"

. . . . . . . and I run screaming from the room to curl up in the corner of my closet petting my fuzzy slippers and plucking my eyelashes one at a time . . . . . .

I really want another baby, but I’m afraid I just want The Baby, not the child that emerges from it.  Maybe I just want a pregnancy to prove I can get through one without bitching about how much I dislike being pregnant. Right now I’m seriously doubting I can find the value in spending up to $30,000 on a donor egg cycle, but will piss away another $5000 for two more IUIs because if they don’t work, I won’t be out "that much".

It’s hard to want to repeat something that you feel like you failed miserably at the first time around.

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Responses

  1. I swear, you just described my son. It is actually creepy because as I pulled up your page I was telling him for the 5th time to go get dressed!!! I can understand how your feeling, or at least I think I can. My husband and I have been TTC for a year and a half, not an eternity, but sometimes it felt like it. Anyway we are now pregnant and as thrilled as I am I keep thinking to myself things like:

    * after a year of being potty trained we are going back to diapers.

    * midnight feedings

    * no sleep

    the list goes on and on, but then I remind myself how sweet they can be (even if it is only 1% of the time) and it makes it all worth it. I wish you all the best in the future.

  2. My dd is 7 and I feel this way off and on; more on than off though. And i too doubt (at times) if i (we) should keep trying for a second. i guess it will all eventually work out.

  3. Ha. Between The Boy and The Dog I can’t turn around without stepping on someone’s toes – or someone stepping on mine. That’s when MFH pipes up with, “And she thinks she wants another set of feet around?”

  4. I’ve had these times when I think that I’m so tired just taking care of one, what the hell am I thinking adopting a second? I wonder where the extra reserve of energy is going to come from if they DON’T entertain each other like everyone tries to assure me they will. When P refuses to take a bath after wetting the bed and tells me that he doesn’t need to because he doesn’t want to go to school anyway (like this morning), I also wonder where the extra reserve is patience will come from because he is already on my last nerve.

    It’s not THE BABY that you want, you want another child. But because you’re a parent, the true realities of what that means seem doubly big.

    (And trust me, you’re allowed to bitch about hating pregnancy even if it has been hard to come by. Trying not to will just make you feel guilty. It took me 8 1/2 months to admit that I hated being swollen–it didn’t mean that I loved P any less.)

    You know that you need some penguin slippers if you’re going to sit and pet them in the closet.

  5. “It’s hard to want to repeat something that you feel like you failed miserably at the first time around.”

    I think that sentence pretty much sums it up. The fact that you care enough to notice that you make mistakes (like every other mom on the planet, regardless of how hard it was to get our kids there) shows that you are a good mom.

  6. Yeah, there are times I am glad it didn’t happen for me. I want the relationship, family, the works, and that’s obviously not in the stars. I don’t want to do it alone.

    Yet I’m sure I would be so happy to have another child, if only to have someone else to yell at.

    (Kidding!)

  7. Oh my gosh, that is L! He’s nine though and comes home from school ticked off about every other day. On top of that, my eldest child was showing me a car he wants and acted all hurt when I said he was insane. (He’ll be 16 and wants a 2001 Mustang Cobra..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Dream on, child!) It only gets better as they get older in that the demands only get bigger. ;o) Hang in there, as I sure do feel your pain.

  8. Oh my gosh, that is L! He’s nine though and comes home from school ticked off about every other day. On top of that, my eldest child was showing me a car he wants and acted all hurt when I said he was insane. (He’ll be 16 and wants a 2001 Mustang Cobra..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Dream on, child!) It only gets better as they get older in that the demands only get bigger. ;o) Hang in there, as I sure do feel your pain.

  9. Oh my gosh, that is L! He’s nine though and comes home from school ticked off about every other day. On top of that, my eldest child was showing me a car he wants and acted all hurt when I said he was insane. (He’ll be 16 and wants a 2001 Mustang Cobra..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Dream on, child!) It only gets better as they get older in that the demands only get bigger. ;o) Hang in there, as I sure do feel your pain.

  10. First, you are totally NOT a failure, really. We don’t have to be perfect mothers just because we’ve been infertile. And the kids don’t have to be perfect kids either.

    That said, you will find it dramatically easier the second time around. Not because the next will be a better child, but because you will be a more experienced parent.

  11. The key here is “feel like.” Because you didn’t fail. The more I learn about raising kids the more that I’m convinced that you just feel like you’re failing most of the time. And it means that you’re probably doing it just right.

    You want a baby. You do want a child. And you’ll get through this rough patch.

  12. DD,

    I am so like you in the way that you think about these situations. You have no idea how many times I’ve pointed scissors in Danny’s general direction!

    Allison was a lot like X as a baby it sounds like. I went through times when I “had” to have another baby – not for the baby and not even for the child that emerged, but to prove to myself that I could do it again. There are so many times I drive home from work with the kids and they are screaming and won’t stop. I feel as though I cannot have the two kids I have now. Why would I want to add more to the mix?

    I really hope that you come to find peace in your heart about children. For my mental health, getting an IUD last month was the best thing I could have done.

    Regarding money and reproduction. Any way you go it is not cheap. There have been times when Emma’s been a real hum-dinger that Danny and I have said to each other, “And we paid $$$$ for this?” [Note: I AM JOKING. If you are offended, I would also say about Allison, “And I spent two years in a living hell of PPD for this?”]

  13. I don’t have kids, so I can’t completely relate to what you are going through. But my sister who is a nanny and does not want children of her own often calls me when the kids she is watching are crying or misbehaving and holds the phone out so that I have to hear and asks me if I am sure that I really want this. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, but I really do.

  14. ARGH! And I was hoping it would get better!

  15. I have some of those doubts, mostly because little R has turned two and discovered ‘no’ (accompanied by amazingly fast running, or a little tantrum if he’s cornered). But I often think ahead to the people my children will become (I hope), and that always makes me certain that the little struggles are worth it.

  16. Wow, I had to stop and shake myself while I was reading this – did I write this? No, DD wrote this! Feeling the same almost word for word for word. (And my kid is doing that same “What???!!!” thing. Makes me want to drive an ice pick into my right eye over and over again.)

    When I’m not feeling suicidal, I tell myself that they all do this. And I’m not failing. I’m just doing the best I can. And I’ll do the same with the second one. Maybe even better, actually. Cause Kid #1 really is the starter model.

  17. You want it because for even scream there is a cuddle, for every frustrating moment there is one of joy and for every tear there is a smile.

    And you know and feel it.

  18. Mmm… I despised being pregnant too. It wasnt so much the lack of comfort but the constant anxiety that something bad would happen. It was unbearable. I feel like a new woman since Jasper is out of my body.

  19. “plucking your eyelashes out one at a time…” LOL. I’m sure being a mom isn’t easy and I sometimes wonder why the hell I’m so bent on doing it, when I see my friend’s 5 year old pull the “devil face”. But I’m sure it has its rewards and I’m sure you’re a great mom. Kids just don’t appreciate their moms until they’re older. x

  20. Ah yes. I have to say that I often find myself whispering to the baby girl “Please, please don’t ever be three years old.” My son is driving me insane and I can’t tell you how depressing it is to hear you saying that it’s not going to be much better at five! Still, we all know we wouldn’t trade it for the world. Even if we do have to drink to get through the day.


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