Posted by: DD | May 9, 2007

no. 439 – Showing My Appreciation To My Family Who Can Make Me Laugh When I Don’t Want To

Below is the actual email exchanges with my family which followed a reminder Sister D sent out a for her DIL’s birthday yesterday:

Me:  Speaking of birthdays, as you may (or may not know) my 9th Annual 31st Birthday is coming up July 6th. The plan is to hold a big party at our house that weekend, either Friday or Saturday. We are inviting families as we will offer up our grounds to the fire gods that are the 4th of July fireworks. Besides having a water truck on site, we plan on providing some beer and food for the festivities.

I had mixed feelings about celebrating this event as it punctuates some rather sad things that have happened to us over the past couple of years. But I figured this is going to happen only once, I may as well go out with a literal bang. Make sure you “save the date”, find some comfy portable chairs, and get together to get me the perfect present (a GC to Early May, perhaps?).

Something a little more official looking will be sent out. I’ve decided to plan my own party since [Mr. DD] would end up waiting until we got back from the beach (June 30) and realize he forgot to tell anyone…and then I would have to kill him and figure out how I’m going to haul his body out to the shallow grave in the back yard.

Sister D: You could always bury the body under the pool.  You are getting that pool, aren’t you??  And it will be there by July 6th, won’t it???   Okay, okay.  I can wallow by the water truck.

Sisterinlaw C: Oh thank you all for the dates and updates. So you can borrow my baby pool!! We are still buried in animals that are giving birth and if I see one more calf or lamb slide out of its mom’s butt you can just bury me with [Mr. DD]!!! Can’t wait for the festivities as that will probably be the hi light of my summer!!

Brotherinlaw M: If you Quarter him first then his body will be easier to handle and it will fit in the shallow grave.

Me: But it makes such a freaking mess. Damn CSI for bursting my deluded bubble that bleach removes traces of DNA.

I guess I could cut away some of the railing; roll his body off the deck and then scoop him up with the tractor bucket.

No really. I just thought of that…

Sister C: Actually, that septic field would be a good burial ground – soil should be soft and easy to dig.

Me: That wash out would have been a perfect start if [Mr. DD] hadn’t filled it in last night.

Curses!

Plus, I’ve been thinking about the badgers who have rudely taken up residence in the backyard. I don’t know how I’d explain away body parts popping up all over the damn yard.

Maybe I could apply for one of those special permit thingies that claims the back yard is ancient Indian burial ground. Indians that wore cargo shorts, tennis shoes and heavy duty socks, and polos with [Mr. DD] stitched above the breast pocket. I might have a hard time explaining that [Workplace Auto Body] actually was where the settlers had their knot holes painted over on their buckboards or the splinters sanded away after a random arrow was removed from the family covered wagon a 100 years ago.

Sister L: Just to let everyone know we are leaving here either the 9 or 10 of June to head back [to Nebraska]…Hope to see you then, and good luck with the body disposal.  As for the clothes, just burn them.

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Responses

  1. Consider this my official RSVP. I am invited right? RIGHT?

  2. So when are you sending out directions? I would love to come celebrate with you.

    Your family is pretty darn funny. Wish you could make it for my party, but I understand.

  3. Your family is funny!

    Sounds a bit like mine…I think our Family Motto is:
    If we didn’t tease & make fun of you, how would you know that we like you??
    Hmm, Maybe I’ll embroider that on a pillow…

    My oldest brother developed gangrene on his big toe & had to have it removed.
    We were teasing him about not being able to play “This little piggy went to market”. His wife stormed off in a huff but Bill was sitting there ranking on himself, about how he’d never be able to wear flip-flops again etc..

  4. Do you have a chain saw? That would speed things up a bit….

    That fireworks show better be so good that I can see it from Mpls!

  5. What a crack up! You guys just gave me some great ideas…Thanks!

  6. Hilarious. And good to know.

  7. Hilarious. And good to know.

  8. Woohoo! Party! In Nebraska! Would an influx of barren bitches brighten up your day? I reckon your family would get our disturbed sense of humour.

  9. A family that plans together is a happy family indeed. 🙂

  10. Great stuff, DD. I think I love your family. A very supportive, helpful bunch!

  11. I am going to have to think about how one could destroy DNA evidence. I work with DNA quite a bit, but the stuff we use to degrade the DNA is a bit toxic. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

  12. Now THAT is what I call a supportive family!!

  13. That’s some mighty good advice. I can tell y’all think about this kind of thing a lot.

  14. Ya’ll are a bit of a dark bunch, aren’t ya? Remind me not to get on your bad side. 😉

    Along that vein, you should rent a movie called “Keeping Mum.” My big sis recommended it to me. A slightly dark British comedy. Good fun.

  15. OH I second that vote on watching Dark Mum. I thought of it as well… I want to be at that party.

    Thanks so much for your comment on my post. You made me smile.

  16. Eating your roasted husband on your 40th, eh?

  17. That is so freaking funny. I don’t have anything to add. Can I borrow your family? (Well, I guess that’s adding something. Whatever.)

  18. I want your family. Really. I do.

  19. Too funny!

  20. There’s this nifty enzyme cleaner they sell on TV that supposedly removes traces of all bodily fluids – including blood. I bet that might work!


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