Posted by: DD | June 5, 2007

no. 457 – Again

Today I had my blood drawn to check my progesterone since I was told to discontinue the PIO temporarily. That’s what I was told last Thursday. When I asked about another beta, they said it wouldn’t be necessary.

I second-guessed that decision up until 30 minutes before my draw when I called the clinic to ask them to add the beta to the orders.

I had almost convinced myself that with the numbers looking good from last week, and an ultrasound coming up next week, I could blissfully go about my days admiring how full my breasts seem to have gotten compared to when I was pregnant with Wolf and that all the mild cramping were signs of something growing.

Apparently I have Pseudocyesis.

The clinic agreed to add the beta to the order.

My beta on Thursday was 100.

Today it was 125.

Pregnancy No. 5 will be ending about the time I leave for my vacation, if not while on vacation.

Pregnancy no. 5 will be ending around Wolf’s due date.

Happy 40th Birthday to me.

Fuck you, God.



  1. OH DD. I had so hope things were different this time.

  2. NOOOOOO!!!! That is not how it was supposed to work! Maybe it was wrong, the forgot a zero, or two? No, no, no! This can’t happen.

  3. No, no, no. DD, I am so sorry. We all wanted something different for you. This is so unfair! And horrible!

  4. I’m so sorry.

  5. Oh DD. When I read your angry “prayer” I was moved to cry. I know that rage.

    Not fair. Tragically unfair.

    You’re in my thoughts. I wish I could be there to comfort you.

  6. I cannot tell you just how sorry I am. Know that I have been thinking about you and had so hoped that things were changing.

  7. Oh DD,
    I’m so sorry.

    That sounds so comletely lame and pathetic, but please know that I say it very heartfelt and I wish I was able to give you a hug right now. I’m crying for you.

    Love to you,

  8. I am so so sorry.

  9. I cannot believe this is happening to you. I am so sorry to hear this awful news.

  10. Oh DD, I am so, so sorry. Damn it all.
    I know the answer is probably “no”, but is there anything I can do?
    Oh crap.

  11. shit.

  12. Damn.

  13. I know there’s not much, if anything, one can say that’s comforting right now, but still I’m so so sorry. That really sucks!

  14. I am so incredibly sorry, DD.

  15. Words defy a fifth loss. One that comes so close to Wolf’s due date. Just know that I’m thinking of you. And I’m so sorry. And I wish I lived closer because I would be by with homemade bread and a long cry.

  16. Wow, I am so sorry. Nothing I can say will make you feel better, I know that.

    I wish we lived closer, I would join you in a drink or 34.

  17. I’m sorry to hear this. Very sorry. Love to you.

  18. Oh no, oh no, DD. I’m sorry.

  19. NO, no no no! I wish that any words I had to say would be a comfort or change things. I’m so sorry!

  20. I am so sorry, DD.

  21. excuse me but FUCK

  22. I can’t think of anything to say except that I’m mad as hell at the universe on your behalf. Damn damn damn.

  23. Damn, damn, damn. I’m so sorry….

  24. What the fuck? This is so not fair and I’m so sorry.

  25. Aw hell.

    hell hell hell

    I’m so sorry. It’s all so incredibly unfair.

  26. Fuck.
    I am so so sorry.

  27. Damnit… sorry my tourrettes kicked in a bit.

    I’m sorry – this sucks so bad and is so unfair. However I know you know this already. Is there anything I can do? Do you need me to go pummel a coworker? I can do that for you… I wish I could make all this right. Hell… Know I’m thinking of you.

  28. Oh god, DD. I’m just so sorry. There are no words.

  29. I’m so freaking sorry. Just so sorry. I hate this crappy news. Damn.

  30. I am so sorry, DD. This is terribly, terribly unfair. I am thinking of you and also angry with God about this

  31. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!

    (It’s not fair.) ((HUG))

  32. Fuck you, God, indeed.

    I am so sorry.

  33. No NO NO NO NO! This can’t be happening. I am so very sorry. I wish I could take away your pain and give you your baby.


  34. DD, I am so sorry. It is all too much at once.

  35. Damn it all to hell. I am so sorry. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug and a large glass of something alcoholic. Heck, I’d smoke something with ya if I had it.

  36. Damn it all to hell. I am so sorry. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug and a large glass of something alcoholic. Heck, I’d smoke something with ya if I had it.

  37. Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. FUCK!

    DD I am so incredibly sorry. This is just.not.fair.

  38. Damn it! I’m so sorry sweetie.

  39. Fuckity fuck. I’m so sorry DD.

  40. DD, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry honey. I wish there was a way to make it right.

  41. This shouldn’t happen. Therefore, I’ll never understand why it keeps happening.

    I’m so sorry.

  42. Motherfucker doesn’t begin to cut it today. This news is no match for even my strongest expletive.

    I’m so very sorry.

  43. I’m sorry DD, this is so completely awful and sucky, I’m not sure what to say. This is crap…

  44. Oh Shit DD I am just catching up. I am so damn sorry. It is so unfair. Sending you a hug.

  45. I’m sorry sweety. Are you vacationing in the South? Maybe we can meet on the beach and commisserate together over a few gallons of wine. I’m sorry.

  46. Unbelievable. And so not fair. Crap.

  47. Fuck. I can’t tell you how truly sorry I am DD. Hollow words, but I’m sorry and mightily pissed off that you are going through this yet again. Thinking of you…

  48. Oh God, DD, no. No.

  49. I know it doesn’t help or change things but man I am so sorry DD.

  50. Fuck. I’m definitely not the crying type, but right now there’s some wet stuff in my eyes – I’m frustrated and angry….

    DD, I’m sorry….


  51. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck it. Fuck. I’m gutted for you.

  52. Are they sure its that Pseudocyesis thing, your beta was still 125 the last go? You cant fake that, can you? I know I’m hanging on a short string here, but I’m gutted for you 😦

  53. I am so, so sorry babe. I really am.

  54. I am so sorry. I was so pulling for you.

  55. SHIT.

    Giving the pregnancy gods the finger on your behalf.

    I am so so sorry.

  56. DD…there are no words to convey how horrible I feel for you! This just plain sucks! 😦

    Next time you’re heading this way, we should get a drink…or several. Perhaps a girl’s night out sometime…?

  57. Ditto.

    I’m so so sorry.

  58. I’m so very sorry, DD.

  59. This just sucks. How cruel. I feel for you more than you know…

  60. This is just wrong. So completely wrong.

    I am truly sorry, very, very sorry. You will be in my thoughts.

  61. I am deeply sorry…..

    I will be thinking of you.

    gentle hugs,

  62. Oh fuck. This is just NOT RIGHT. There will be a LOT of alcohol coming to the beach–and a shoulder to cry on, if need be. I am so very, very sorry.

  63. I’m so very sorry DD. Of course it’s not pseudocyesis. You are pregnant, but the embryo just isn’t developing. It’s just absolutely awful, and of course the dates make it worse. I’m thinking of you.

  64. I think we say sorry way too much – this time I’m going to say fuck. It’s much more appropriate.

  65. Oh, damn it all. I am so extremely sorry.

  66. I would like to add my sympathies… this is bullshit. Life is NOT fair, damnit.

  67. Crap.

  68. fuck

  69. I’m so sorry. It’s so rotten. So awful. Words fail me. I’m so sorry.

  70. Dammit. Dammit. I’m so sorry.

  71. I don’t know what to say. Fuck, indeed.


  72. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m checking in after a work-week from hell to see that…fuck, DD. I just don’t know what to say. I am so fucking sorry.

  73. No, no, no, no. FUCK!
    I’m crying. I’m angry. I’m so so sorry. Stupid shitty stupid ARGH fuck!

  74. Unbelievably cruel.

  75. I am so very sorry. Don’t know what else to say. It’s all so unfair.

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