Posted by: DD | June 18, 2007

no. 469 – Dear Squatters

Dear Hundreds of Baby Spiders Using My SUV As A Nursery,

Unless you plan on spinning me a beautiful silken hammock to which I can laze away these humid and warm days of summer, I request that you find a more appropriate setting to make your eye-blinking jumps. Also, please note, my morning coffee is not your personal jacuzzi.

Dear Deer Camping in the Tree Line Across the Road,

Stop. Look. Listen. Even my son knows this. Stop perpetuating the rumor that beauty and brains do not mix.

Dear Uterine Lining,

As impressive as your ability to pad my "baby buggy" apparently happens to be, 7 full days of either bleeding, spotting, staining or a combination of any of these attributes is just plain mean. I’m trying to get all laundry done before Thursday and you are not doing any more than just pissing me off and reminding me that sustaining an embryo, even if a mouth-breather, is not within your scope of functions. Shed and be done already.


The Car-, Land-, and Body-Lord



  1. Sorry. Seems like we’re both having a “case of the mondays.”

  2. I hear you on the uterus lining front. I am 14 days past my D&C and I just started spotting again. Our uterine linings must be hatching a plot to take over the world, or at least buy stock in pads and panty-liners.

    I am sorry that you have to go to the beach while you are in no-tampon land. Bleck.

  3. Oh man…we had moths hatch in our garage this weekend. Talk about disgusting! I am not one for insects, even the smallest of them. But particularly when they come in mass quantities.

  4. hey i just sent one to the old uterus that was something along the lines of ‘shape up for ship out’ but so far i’ve seen no sign of either. well, maybe the baby spiders will listen.

  5. I’m here trying to tear my skin off thanks to that spider tale. Blech.

  6. Spider. in. coffee.


  7. Spider, deer and lining: I hope you’re all listening and obeying.

  8. I started shuddering when I pictured spiders in my car. Then my drink. Ugh!

  9. Dear DD, spiders, deer pizza and especially endless bleeding are all awful. I’m thinking of you and hoping your instructions are followed…

  10. oh my gosh, spiders – totally ick! Have a drink, relax, and freakin’ stay away from the SUV!

  11. I love your way with words.

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