Posted by: DD | July 10, 2007

no. 478 – Welcome Back, My Old Friend

Until yesterday, I hadn’t had a meltdown and cried for almost three weeks straight.

Yesterday I did – twice.

If not a miracle, it’s a record as far as how long I’ve gone without.

I think I need a ticker.

My counselor (yes, I’m seeing a counselor now) thinks we had a breakthrough.

I keep trying to have another baby because I think I want another baby.

Then she dug deeper.

I want another baby because I succeeded the first time and failed the second time.

I perceive myself as being a failure.

I believe I would have not tried at all if there was the chance that I would have failed. I have always done what I thought I could succeed in.

Another reason why Secondary Infertility sucks shit.

Another reason Infertility sucks shit and the flies that feed on it.

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Responses

  1. I’m glad you’re seeing a counselor. It already sounds like it’s helping a bit. It feels like anything else I could say would be inadequate so – (((HUGS))).

  2. I’m generally suspicious of breakthroughs, but I’m hoping that this one will give you a little of the clarity and peace you’ve been searching for.

  3. Hear, hear… it does indeed such shit.
    Many hugs!!

  4. I’m not sure about your breakthrough…but if it works for you then that’s all that matters. Have a good cry…it’s better for you than ice cream.

  5. The counselor thinks it’s a breakthrough.

    I don’t know what to think except it all still sucks.

  6. I always think that people who see counselors and confront themselves have so much courage. Me? I change the subject as soon as the words “counselor” or “support group”. I’m glad it seems to be helping you through.

  7. How very true. It’s ultimately frustrating to not be able to do something that we’ve already proven that we’re able to do.

  8. For me, it’s also a matter of pride. My mind didn’t win over my matter.

    I’m glad you’re digging into this further. We all react so much, it’s hard to pick apart the roots.

  9. Newbie to reading your blog… we are in the same boat it seems. This post sort of hit me on the head because I wrote a post today about failure and how foreign it (was) to me. It sucks.

  10. I wonder if I would want another baby if I didn’t have a miscarriage. I would never want to have a baby to prove something to myself.

  11. AWESOME about the counselor. We kinda had a breakthrough at the counselor week before last too. Basically, that I always “live by the rules”, and not everybody understands the rules that I’ve defined in my own head. Kind of a big thing, at least to me and the hubster.

    Good to you for going though. It can get very frustrating, sometimes, but…if your counselor is good, very healing.

  12. I hear you. I think one of the main reasons I wanted to get pregnant was because I didn’t think I could. Thinking I couldn’t achieve something really annoyed me, and I felt like I had to keep going to prove that I could.

    Fucking infertility.

  13. Are you really sure it’s JUST about the failure thing? Because you tried a second time for a reason, because you wanted a second child presumably, and the failure came afterwards, right? So is it both or has the need to resolve the failure somehow replaced the other? If I think about the mourning you’ve done for the children you lost, it seems a bit of a stretch to say you were just trying to prove something with them.

    Maybe I’m missing something, sorry. But I’m glad the counsellor is helping.

  14. It not only sucks shit, but it sucks the fuzzy white stuff that grows on shit.

  15. I think there is a difference between wanting a baby and being OBSESSED with having a baby. I think infertility/miscarriage can trigger the OBSESSION where before it was just a strong desire.

    Especially if you are not used to failure, pregnancy or otherwise.

  16. Usually I just lurk… but your post today inspired a comment. I am a 40 year-old Ph.D. clinical psychologist with an 8 yo son and am presently awaiting my 4th miscarriage. No heart beat, but still very high HcG levels 2 weeks later. I found a therapist when, before this pregnancy, I felt like the biggest failure in the world because I could not carry a pregnancy to term. Nothing else really mattered–past successes were moot. Believe it or not, feelings of failure are really, really common in women following miscarriage, and have been “documented in the literature” to talk like a Ph.D. It is really important, if one feels like one wants help from a mental health professional (and I totally respect those who have posted who indicated they would rather eat bees than see someone or go to a support group) that you find somebody who knows about the grief of infertility and miscarriage. My RE referred me to the woman I see.
    And you are all so right– this does suck the fuzzy white stuff that grows on shit.

  17. And we’re faced with the failure every month, and with every miscarriage. It’s beaten into our brain, our bodies.

    And it sucks the corn nibblets sometimes found in shit.

  18. You say your counselor thinks you had a breakthrough – what do YOU think? (i’m sorry if I’m being obtuse).

  19. I’m glad you found a counsellor that seems to be helping…. She is helping, right?

  20. Hope the breakthroughs continue and continue to help!

  21. I’m glad you’re talking to someone. This stuff is such a mindfuck.

  22. I wish I could be your counselor. I would hand you tissues and really strong beergaritas and just hold you while you cried.

    I hope that you get through this suck-fest.

  23. That is my kind of ticker…..

    Hey, how about making a blinkie?? They are about as obnoxious and annoying as tickers.

    I hear you on the failure thing, except I failed the first, second, third AND fourth tries – which is why I can’t give up. I HAVE to succeed sooner or later….

  24. Ditto catizhere. I’d totally make you beergaritas (though I’m not sure what that is) or some other strong drink and just hug you while you cried.

    I’d like to think it’s as simple as what your counselor thinks, but I’m dubious that your only motivation is to prove that you can do it. I get the feelings of failure, et al, but I’m not sure that it’s the full motivation for you wanting another baby.

    But what do I know? I don’t have a PhD. Rarely is it as simple as it appears though.

    *hug*

  25. If it’s nto too corny, I’m sending you a hug.

    It’s a good ticker.

  26. I’m a little late in replying but this post made me think a little, even though I’m rather tired at the moment anyway you made a very good point about whether having another baby is just a sort of challenge… hmmm, I’ll have to think about that one more. If you come up with a breakthrough yourself, let us know. XXX


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