Posted by: DD | August 13, 2007

no. 497 – Fountain Machine Manners

I’ve been posting fast and furious over here. Have you noticed? I have ulterior motives besides actually milking you all for yummy recipes and decorating tips (mirrored ceiling and velvet paintings…all that talent and taste but no one suggested black light paint??). I’ll enlighten you in the not too distant future.

In the meantime, more drivel in the form of some advice this time from me to the general populace of questionable intelligence and common sense.

When you are getting a drink from a soda fountain, please be familiar with how your cup should feel in your hand when the personally preferred amount of ice has been delivered prior to purchasing a do-it-yourself cup. Only an amateur ass-monkey will push the ice dispenser and then stop, look inside, shake the cup, push the ice dispenser, stop and look inside then shake the cup AGAIN. May the gods be merciful if you are the person who gets too much ice and decides to shake out three cubes EXACTLY to get what you perceive is the perfect level of ice.

Now that you have your fother-mucking ice, if your refreshment of choice is located on the far side of the fountain machine – move your damned self over so the person behind you can begin the ice dance (push, stop, look, shake, push, stop, look, shake, repeat until bludgeoned to death by another person in line).

Finally, now that you have your drink, for the love of all that is unholy, if you don’t want your spouse to have to come identify your face-burger at the city morgue brought on by a certain someone who is within hours of their period starting and has had their last vestige of sanity implode as you proceeded to drink from your goblet of sugary goodness that should so be diet as noted by the ass baggage turning your jeans into all kinds of 4-way stretch fabric in all the wrong places because someone did not have the patience to wait for you to get the fuck out of her way!

Who’da thunk? That was way harder to write out then to actually vocalize to my husband at lunch today. Maybe because my body language and facial expressions made it quite clear what I was thinking.



  1. How about those a**wipes who do the whole ice cube balancing dance and then drink half the cup and fill it up again while still not noticing that the soda fountain is not their PERSONAL soda fountain.

    Don’t even get me started about the gas station hot dog condiment station or those who don’t make a selection in the freezer aisle at the grocery store until they open the door and then they ponder every option and every ingredient before FINALLY shutting the door so that I can for sure not see anything through the glass for a good 5 minutes because it is fogged up now or speaking of the grocery store….those kiddie carts that parents think are cute, well, are not since my Achilles tendon is permanently damaged from their little brats not watching where they are going.

    How is that for a healthy dose of crabby back at you….sweet dreams!

    Wanna wage a big butt contest….I bet I have a strong lead on you.

  2. Snort. It’s funny the things that can really p*ss us off 🙂

  3. I usually wait patiently for the Ice Dance to end then if the person in front of me continues to dally, I will move within ‘personal’ space and hold my filling glass so that if it falls, the other person will tend to get wet and not me.

    They tend to take the hint and if not the loud, “PARDON ME” often works.

  4. Gawd I need to get out more! Do it yourself ice, I don’t think I have done that in years! 🙂

  5. Ah, yes, the Behavior of the Clueless. But you see, she had no idea that anyone in the world existed but her, so who was she moving out of the way of? Kudos for not telling her to “Move Your Fat Ass Out of My Way!” Your restraint is commendable.

  6. You crack me up! But, yes, the world is full of self-absorbed people.

  7. hahahahaha

    Those people drive me insane, as do people lingering in front of grocery store shelves as they contemplate their decision, completely blocking my way. Make a *ucking decision already!

  8. Oh yes, that annoys the crap out of me too. And get your cup lid & straw before you fill if you’re going to have to reach across me (while I’m trying to fill my drink) to get it!

  9. LOL! That behavior would earn the “evil eye” look from me.

  10. Too funny. It’s the little things isn’t it?

  11. That was YOU behind me? I thought I recognized you.

  12. And I thought my PMS made me irritable! Let’s be sure *not* to be in the same place at the same time when the hormone surge occurs. We could really do some damage (to other people that is!)

  13. Is that where the term soda jerk comes from? Ass monkey has a more modern feel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: