Posted by: DD | August 17, 2007

no. 500 – Quingentensimus

Do you ever think that maybe you just weren’t cut out to be a mother? Out of context, this sounds like a very strange question, but the person who asked me was experiencing questions about her own parenting skills, which I know are more amazing than she was giving herself credit for.

Anyway, yes, I honestly think how not only was I not cut out to be a mother, but that our three year struggle is someone’s way of telling me that I didn’t earn the Nurturing Mother Badge that allows me to have another. Being a Mom is the most frustrating, exhausting, tedious job I’ve ever had. But every time one of my cycles fail or or every week that passes by waiting for a donor, it is a quick hug or a giggle from X that warms that cold, hard part of my heart and reminds me of why I’m doing all this in the first place.

If you could go back in time, would you have rather not experienced three losses at all or do you value the experience in some odd way? in other words, would have rather never gotten pregnant at all than suffer? A friend of mine who went through years of treatment without seeing one positive test and I have this debate frequently. I would have rather not got pregnant at all. I did not gain insight to anything spiritual by getting pregnant and then miscarrying. It wasted time. I lost faith. It has made me angry and bitter. If I had two years of nothing and then finally got pregnant, I wouldn’t be thinking as soon as I saw the second line, "I wonder when this one will die."

What do you see as the main difference between IF and secondary IF? In short, the only difference is that there is already a child in SIF. The pain, the longing, the anger, the frustrations, the jealousy, the tears? I can only imagine they are the same for PIF as they are for SIF as I never experienced PIF, but they are very real and I experience those emotions daily.

Who are the most supportive and unsupportive people in your families? Not just for IF, but if you had any problem, who would you turn to first? Last? Most supportive is my sister. She’s in her fifties, divorced and never had children. She was my Matron of Honor at our wedding. I never really knew her growing up because of our age difference but she’s my best friend now. She’s smart, snarky and knows how to listen without passing judgment. She’s our executor and will have custodial care over our son if anything happens to us.

As to who would be the least supportive, that isn’t as easily answered as I thought it would be as the first person who popped into my mind would be SIL. But here’s the twist: she would actually bend over backwards to help if Mr. DD asked. The reason we don’t ask for help or have personal discussions is twofold: one is because she can’t keep her mouth shut. Things we tell her in confidence always come back to us and that hurts. The second reason? See the following.

Ok, what do you really think would happen if the family found your blog? My first URL was not knockedupthenknockeddown. I had something else that I gave to my friends and family. Then I made a comment about SIL’s oldest daughter’s new pregnancy and they took it wrong. That’s about when the relationship between SIL and myself soured. She never said anything directly to me, but to Mr. DD, and he finally told her if she’s got a problem to tell me. She never did and I hate it when she’s sickeningly sweet to me because I know what she was saying behind my back.

I wouldn’t care now if my family found my blog again. I don’t think I’ve blasted any of them too badly. I carefully watch my stats for the in-laws’ IP addresses. If I thought one of them had found it, this blog would be locked down immediately.

What MIL lesson have you learned, that you have already made the "I’ll never be like that" vows about for your future role of MIL? My MIL has the world at her feet but still she bitches about everything and anything. "That sonuvabitch bought me another diamond and it’s too big for my hand. I hate it!" No, I’m not kidding. Gracious she is not. My MIL’s attitude – in combination with our infertility – has taught me that nothing in life should be taken for granted.

How are things with Mr. DD’s family? They are . . . polite but strained. A big D-family gathering is being planned for next summer and I’m already dreading it. It may sound pretty dreamy on paper (chartered plane, beach cottages, fine dining), but trust me. It’ll be hell on earth and my only good excuse for not going is if I ended up pregnant.

I noticed from a previous post that you went to the clinic with Dr. D in The Metro.  I went once and met w/an assistant R0bbie and hated it! Do you have to work with her and if so is she really as "forceful/callous" as she came across in my meeting? OMG, R0bbie! Suzanne will agree with me on this one, but yes, she is very callous (would never give me any details on number or sizes of follicles, lining, etc.) and forceful (I think she tried to find my tonsils during one of my scans and when I gasped in pain, she totally ignored me and poked harder). In short, she’s a bitch (I thought she was a nurse) and I’m lucky that most of the time Dr. Blinksalot takes care of me.

So who’s blog did you stumble onto for the first time and what did it make you think? and What was that momentous google search and what happened next? These two questions came from different people. I googled "follistem" back in July 2005 right before my first IUI (we were told by the RE that we were "beyond clomid"). If you google that now, you will see that the no. 2 result is a blog I still read. I would stalk her multiple times a day and I read her archives, followed every link, and read more blogs each day. Blogs written by women who get it! A fantastic new world!

I started reading someone’s blogger blog and noticed the advertisement, "Get your own blog FREE!" The rest is blogging history.

Have you ever cheated on Mr. DD? Almost. It was just about 7 years ago and the man was a regional rep for a computer company. We were attracted to each other and we said so; and then we reminded each other that we were each married and in love with our spouses, and that was it. We never even kissed.

Yes, I would consider kissing as cheating.

If something tragic happened to your spouse would you have the desire to marry again? Yes, I would marry again, if I could be so lucky to find a second man on this earth willing to put up with me. Mr. DD would be very angry if I spent my time lamenting his absence. If the tables were turned, I would wish him to remarry as well. He deserves better.

Fav sex position? The cuddling afterward. Nice try.

Were you really a supermodel ever? Or a model? What did you do for a living before you worked at your current job? I was a hair model once and during the show I was approached by an "agent" who wanted me to model "fine lingerie" (at the time I was in my mid-20’s and a size 2). I didn’t buy what he was selling.

Before my current job, I have had many "careers": legal secretary, car salesperson, ballroom dance instructor, clothing retail, bartender, and of course, waitress. I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Art.

Ever figure out who the bathroom bandit is? I know who it isn’t and I’ve got it narrowed down to three people.

I like knowing the *basic* stuff about people – things like do you have any pets?  We used to have two cats in the DD household. Moe and August. I was a bitch and told Mr. DD that I wasn’t having animals in the house once it was built. I was tired of the puke, poop, and even though we had X to provide both in measurable amounts, I wasn’t allergic to him. Moe died a little over a year ago after living for years with kidney failure and diabetes. August went to live with MIL and FIL, who absolutely adore her.

What are your favourite foods? Milk chocolate, white chocolate, dark chocolate, mint chocolate.

What do you like on your pizza?  Pepperoni, hamburger, italian sausage, green peppers and onions ranks first; chicken, tomato slices, and pesto comes in a close second.

Music?  Fav Song? I like all music genres. I really gained an appreciation for it when I was teaching dance. I still find myself counting and imagining the best dance for a song I’m listening to. I blame Mr. DD for my acquired taste for metal and alternative music. I draw the line at anything Country a.g. (After Garth).

I have a penchant for female artists with strong and distinctive voices: Annie Lennox, Fionna Apple, Alanis Morisette, Sheryl Crow, Liz Phair, Pink, Missy Elliott, Gwen Stefani, and on and on.

Do you sing along with songs in the car?  Do you sing in the shower? I "sing" in the car, but only when I’m by myself or with X. Mr. DD always finds fault in how I typically screw up the lyrics (or it might be because I sound like a coyote stuck in a live trap). The only songs I know without the instrumental are children’s songs and it seems silly to sing London Bridge is Falling Down while taking a shower.

Authors? I have to admit that I cannot name one author. Not a one. But I really enjoy reading. I guess by not having a preference when I go into a book store, I don’t have any preconceptions. I use to read a lot of sci-fi, but would get frustrated if I inadvertently picked up one from a series and couldn’t find the preceding publications, nor remember the author when the next one was released. I use to read romance novels, but they only soured my opinion of my very unromantic husband. I prefer fiction and I prefer hardbound. I’m pretty easy to please.

Do you pray?  Where? Yes, I do still pray and coincidently, I pray in the shower. That way no one can see that I’m crying.

Laughter through tears or tears from laughing? Tears from laughing is what I’d prefer, instead I’ve been getting by with laughter through the tears thanks to all of you.


50thThanks to everyone who submitted a question. You make every day more bearable and you have made every day prior memorable. I promise that there won’t be a 750th Blog Post celebration. Happy 2nd Anniversary and Congratulations on the Quingentensimum post to me.



  1. I alwasy think I know you pretty well, then you come up with something new.

    Cuddling. Humph.

  2. I found this to be most interesting. Thanks for the glimpse into your life. It was very daring.

    I love Pink. The color and the artist.

  3. Wow. That’s a lot of answers!

    But there isn’t always a child in secondary IF. I’ve had a pregnancy which would have gone to term un-tampered with so my IF is technically ‘secondary’. Although, I think that’s a sad reminder.

  4. I think R0bbie’s a PA. I thought she had a flat affect and no bedside manner. But she didn’t annoy me as much as the receptionist, I was pretty sure she was spitting on my embryos in the lab whenever she got the chance.

  5. I’ll bet you were a damned good bartender. I’d go to your bar everytime. Then I’d stay past closing and we could drink together.

    Strangely, those are four of MY favorite food groups as well!

  6. Gee, R0bbie sounds like a peach.

    I’ve been asked the miscarriage question before too. I never know how to answer that one. I think both getting pregnant & miscarrying and just not getting pregnant are horrible in their own separate ways.

    So fascinating to learn all these new things about you!

  7. Did miss the deadline for questions? I learned a lot here, but I am dying to know if you are a thong or brief gal?

    Some people don’t like the string on butt thing and I always assume you are one of them. I guess a personal confessions is coming out – the two things I always need to know about a person are the type of car they drive and the type of underwear they wear. So you can answer the 2nd question as well if you want. If I missed the deadline, my bad, I guess I will have to meet you in person and find out for myself.

  8. What, we don’t get another chance to ask inappropriate questions?

    I was totally looking forward to post 750!

  9. Quingentensimus? Sounds like something you’d need a shot to cure.
    Congratulations, and thanks for the peek into your interesting life! 🙂

  10. Congrats on 500 posts! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one to deal w/R.

  11. Great post! I am only sorry that I took so long to think up a good question that I missed the boat!

  12. Fascinating. Thanks for taking the time to entertain and answer such a wide variety of questions. Not surprised that you have a B.A. in Art. You’re a damned fine writer with a vivid imagination so I’m guessing your arts talent is multi-faceted. But, ballroom dance instructor? I’m guessing your feet must still be nursing the ill effects of bruises or broken bones?

  13. I’ve come to this post about three times to read and comment, and kept getting distracted. Why do you promise there won’t be a 750? I think that would be worth celebrating too! Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us – in your posts, in your comments, and in your celebration. You rock, girl!

  14. I love it!

  15. Awesome post. I just learned all kinds of new things about you.

    Wishing you the best of luck with everything this week.

  16. What a great ‘self interview’ for your adoring public.

    And I sooo hear you on the essentially ‘any chocolate will do’ response… 😉

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