Posted by: DD | September 5, 2007

no. 515 – Vaseline

Here’s my problem: I am feeling sorry for myself.

Yes, I know you already knew that, but I just want you to know I’m not trying to fool anyone including myself.

I’ll be frank. You are/were/will be pregnant/getting your referral and I am/will not.

There. I said it.

Do you know what the secret is to all those beauty pageant contestants’ perpetual, yet slightly creepy, smiles? Vaseline smeared liberally on the upper gums. That way when they smile for that abnormal length of time, their mouth doesn’t dry out. Instead a glop of grease and the taut muscles of the face, which are stretched to their max in nervous tension and anxiety, cause the lips to slip up past the teeth revealing what certainly appears to be a very toothy smile.

So now you know that when I read about what you had/have/will have turns me into a piteous pile of shit, I try to convince myself (and some of you have emailed me suggesting as well) that I need to take an extended break from blogging. And so you can understand why I brought up the vaseline thing, blogging is my vaseline.

Unfortunately even though you don’t need to “listen” to me blahblahblah woe is me blah boohoo, I desperately need you and your supportive emails and comments. I feel like a complete putz having to put my hat in my hand and admit to you that I can’t seem to function normally without hearing from you occasionally.

So I get stuck. If I don’t stop and wish congratulations as befitting your good fortune, you may not feel so inclined to stop by and tell me to pick my chin off the ground, especially when I am being pissy and feeling sorry for myself.

I need to work out how to break away from all of this if things don’t pan out. Some time ago I thought that even if we didn’t end up pregnant again, I could keep blogging under the assumed identity of a mommy blogger. As much as I have come to admire several of the MBs, I know that I will be exposing myself to just as much heartache as they discuss getting pregnant again and having a new baby in their lives (and I would like to state for the record that is definitely NOT what MBs normally do on their posts, but it can and does happen).

On the other hand, I can’t stay here amongst the infertility bloggers. For me that’s salt on a never-healing wound. I’m realizing that a very important and almost integral part of my life for the past couple of years may come to a tragic end and I can’t seem to make myself think of it any differently, which is that I might end up pregnant and blogging for another year.

It feels like the end of an era, albeit a short, tedious and wholly unremarkable era, it’s something that is/was completely mine that I worked really hard for and in a matter of weeks it could just go *poof*.

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Responses

  1. I’ll always hang around and harass, er, support you! You don’t have to comment on my blog ever when you’re having good days/bad days/mixed days. I understand and wouldn’t think of giving you grief over it. Hang in there and know I’ll be hanging in there with ya. If I were closer, I’d sit down and have a nice drinky-drink with ya and just listen.

  2. I’ll always hang around and harass, er, support you! You don’t have to comment on my blog ever when you’re having good days/bad days/mixed days. I understand and wouldn’t think of giving you grief over it. Hang in there and know I’ll be hanging in there with ya. If I were closer, I’d sit down and have a nice drinky-drink with ya and just listen.

  3. Came here from Vanessa’s. Love your site.

    I’m sending good thoughts your way and hope that this round is successful for you.

  4. People will keep reading you and leaving comments to make you feel better even if you don’t reciprocate for awhile. Seriously. Even if you never comment on my blog again, I’ll be here. Every day. Like a sick, demented stalker. Which I am.

    BTW, what kind of dish do you want me to bring to the pity party? I make a really fabulous Trifle.

  5. Yer on my bloglines…I read you all the time regardless of if you read/comment on my blog. I’m not so good at commenting though, usually someone has already said what I want to say but done so more eloquently than I could have.

  6. Hey, it’s me, stalking again. I just re-read your post and realized that the pity party has a broader agenda than I first thought. Correct me if I’m totally off-base here, but are you feeling like you’ll be stuck in a nether-world between MBs and IF’ers, but a member of neither if the next step is off a cliff (instead of into an OB’s office)?

  7. DD, can I join your pity party? On a labor day, I not only talked to a new mum of a 7-month old baby who cheerfully told me all about her dreams to be a stay-at-home- mum WHEN they have their second child (and no, she wasn’t pregnant yet), I also learned that our neighbor (mother of a one year old) is pregnant, conceived around the time that I experienced my second chem. pregnancy this year…both these women were very sweet, I just felt a little laughed at by the fertility gods.

    I am sorry, you’re feeling so down right now. Want some chocolate ice-cream?

  8. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world” (Hehe…come on, the bad Streisand impression has to warrant a small smile.)

    I had a horrible time giving up my obsession with my TTC message board friends when I finally put that on the back burner. Those people knew more about my nether regions than probably even my husband or doctor because I obsessed about every tiny thing. I didn’t make a clean break…I kind of tapered off. But once I was mostly out of the world, there was some relief in addition to the loss of that support. I felt like that gave me permission to stop obsessing. So if blogging is good for your mental health…keep doing it as long as it serves a purpose for you. Let it develop into whatever it is meant to be. Mommy blog, preggo blog, bitter angry blog – whatever. It is good to be able to throw this crap out to the world sometimes.

    And you don’t have to blow sunshine up our asses in our comments to keep us coming. We like ya.

  9. I am sorry that you are so down right now. It sucks when you are stuck in between MB’s and not sure about the IF blogging. I hope you stay around as I would miss you but you have to do what you need to. Hugs

  10. I have a similar problem. I just hate all those people who seem to get pregnant easy and deliver a perfectly healthy baby despite snorting everything that isn’t nailed down. I feel like I don’t fit in with the fertiles who haven’t had a loss. I’m not infertile, so I don’t really fit in there. I just have a few group of people whose blogs I read and try to surround myself with them. And when I see that pregnant lady at the store with three kids in tow buying Marlboro’s, I try not to slap her. Just do what feels right. I’ll still read your blog whether or not you read mine. And if I piss you off with a comment, send me a telegraph message that reads, “bitch. stop”

  11. Blogging is my vaseline as well, although I very rarely blog about what is really bothering me because I am worried about who will read it. Whatever direction you end up going in, I am sure there will be many of us who will always check in to see how you are doing and what you are up to. Blogging is weird and wonderful in that you really start to care about people you have never even met/ will probably never get to meet. I never thought I would be part of the whole phenomenon but now I can`t imagine not being here.

  12. Dear DD, there are times when we can give a lot of love and support and there are times when we can’t. Sometimes it’s OK to retreat for a while, or just say “I’m sorry, I can’t be there for now, but I still need you guys.” I think we can all sympathize with that, and accommodate you for as long as you need it.

    We love you, kiddo. You’re going to have to deal with that.

  13. I completely understand. It SUCKS!

  14. I have some Vaseline here. I’ll loan it to you when the going gets rough. You don’t have to do any of that happy crunchy granola supporting shit in return, either, I’ll settle for you handing me the occasional kleenex to stuff my bra for the swimsuit round. I’m so hoping you’ll win the pageant, babe, mostly so that I can say I knew you when.

  15. I read you every time there’s a new post – you’re on my bloglines too. So you don’t need to come by in order for me to read you.

    *hug* I’m sorry you’re down. But Kath is right. Listen to her.

  16. It is OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. I know I do.
    I am still here if you need me.

  17. Just wanted to let you know that I’m here and will (of course) continue reading you and bothering you…I mean, supporting you whenever you need it.

  18. Like CTQ, I keep you on bloglines and read whether you’ve commented at my place or not. I know it’s got to be hard for you to go there and so more often than not, it pains me to see you commenting there. I’ll be reading as much as I can… it’s never about reciprocity, okay?

    I wish there were something I could say or do to comfort you, but I know there isn’t much that helps when life is piling such a huge load of shit on your head. So I’ll just say I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.

  19. I’ve been thinking similar things. When I started blogging (not so very long ago) it was helpful. But lately I feel like I’ve let it become an obsession I almost posted on this very topic last night! I can’t seem to stop jumping from blog to blog (MB to Adoption to DE to IF etc), and comparing my life to theirs. Will they ever be the same? I too am a mommy of one, still an IFer but not quite the same.

    Anyway, all I’m saying is … I hear you. And I will still comment, regardless of whether you appear at my site. Chin up, dd.
    (((hugs)))

  20. I’m stuck for what to say. I just wish it were easier.

  21. I’ll hang in there just because that’s the way I am – like a bad penny or a zit at picture time.

    I’d feed you that ol’ line of crap about the power of positive thinking, but it’s exactly that – a line of crap. Regardless, I’m hoping good things for you this time around.

  22. I know there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel any better on this one, but I do hope that if you switch blog gears and joing the MB ranks you’ll let me know where you are.

  23. Hey, you’ll always be infertile, even if you stop trying, and you’ll always be parenting after infertility, even if you stop trying.

    And even if you don’t agree with that, we’ll always be friends! You could try just reading for awhile without commenting, or just posting about other stuff for a while, like limiting yourself a bit?

    Take care. (((Hugs)))

  24. It’s okay, DD, I get it. I really do. It’s easy to have faith, or believe that there’s a reason for everything when things are going well. When things suck, when IVF keeps not working, or you suffer m/c after m/c… What the hell is the reason for that? And I get to try this all over again next summer! Can’t wait.

    You don’t need to apologize for needing a little extra encouragement, words of support. It’s important that you ask, and it’s great that there are so many people to say “Hey! No problem. We’re here for you.” Well, I am too. I’m really hoping that all this works for you. It sucks that we have to go through this kind of thing at all. I wish I could just have sex like “normal” people and get knocked up and not have to worry – but that’s not on the menu for this lifetime. Gotta work with what we have, not what we wish we had. Not that that makes it any easier, but it is what it is. Don’t worry about comenting at my blog – very few people do, and that’s okay. Sometimes I read and don’t comment, it’s really all good. Just hang in there. And enjoy your chocolate and alcohol. 😉

  25. Yup – there also. I have resigned to the place where I will never be pg and instead will be a adoptive mom – same yet different. I kind of feel that limbo also – I don’t really fit in with the IF crowd but I tried to get into some of the ethiopian adoption blogs and moany are just, well, not as creative as the IF crowd. I guess I am still IF, but it is just well different.

    Regardless of the outcome, please do not go away. Please, pretty please. I enjoy so many of your “observations” fertility or non-fertility related.

  26. They also duct tape their boobs to the inside of their strapless gown so they don’t pop out on television. Just another factoid about pageantry.

    I think Julie’s (of A Little Pregnant) second to last post had great thoughts on the evolution of blogs and the evolution of audience. Your blog, your space, is whatever you need it to be. And your community can evolve and change like a kaleidoscope–keeping the same colours, changing shape, then keeping the shape and changing colours, ever re-forming. Not changing directions in a 180, but drifting through life, the various stages, the various communities. Am I making sense? This is my long winded way of saying I’d miss you too much if you took your greasy, Vaseline smile away. But that you need to do what feels right for you.

  27. Misery loves company. I don’t know why, but I always seem to feel better when I know that I have access to a handful of other tearful souls to commiserate with. It helps me to not feel alone. However, I think where I fail is not participating. I don’t write enough and I don’t comment enough. I usually read a post and say to myself, ‘Man that sucks’, and I close the page. Most times, I try not to say anything because as I’ve recently realized about myself, nothing really helps. Well wishers and supporters make a difference though. I agree with you there. What I think is the most heartbreaking is that any one of us would do whatever we could to help you, to make your pain less, to make you smile, just like we want someone to do for us. Unfortunately, we don’t have the power to fix the problem. We can’t mend a broken heart as we are trying to hold ours together. The best we can do is support each other, love each other and dare to hope for the best. That is what I do for you DD Love, I truly hope the best for you. I do for every other Mother who is living with a broken heart. There is strength in this community as long as you are not afraid to reach out and ask for it.

  28. Yeah, what Kath said. “We love you, kiddo. You’re going to have to deal with that.”

    Even if I don’t comment on all of your posts, I still check in on you every day (sometimes several times a day, but you already know that)
    and I think of you every.single.day.

  29. I know you’re going through a really hard time. I’m always reading. Even if I don’t always have anything to say.

    That said, don’t categorize yourself into any one genre. I’d like to hear about other things going on too.

  30. Well, babe, whatever you decide, I’ll keep coming back as long as you keep writing. You’ll always fit in with the infertiles and you’ll always fit in with the moms. But you’ll always feel some unease in both places. It’s an uncomfortable line you straddle. And I understand.

  31. you don’t have to comment to get comments, not at this stage of the game. that matters at the beginning, when no one knows you and you have to share something of yourself to draw people into your story. But we’re already in, we’re here, you don’t need to entertain, to reciprocate, we already care, so we’ll be here no matter how you’re feeling and what you do with our blogs. take something back, sweetie, we’re happy to give.

  32. I totally get this, could have easily written this post a year ago. It is only luck of the draw that my last/I’m never doing this again cycle actually friggin worked. I’m sorry you are at this crossroads and I so hope this final cycle does the trick because I’m sick of all the damn disappointment you’ve had.

  33. You don’t necessarily have to label the type of blogs you read or the sort of blog you keep. Read the ones that interest you and type about whatever you want. It doesn’t have to have a theme. I guess I’m a “Mommy Blogger” but really, I just type about our day because I have family that likes to read it. I choose to have a sort of bland blog, but for whatever reason, people besides family read it too, go figure. Anyway, I don’t comment on all the blogs I read and I would never not read a blog just because that person didn’t leave me a comment. I think this is my extremely round-about way of saying I like you, I like your blog, I don’t really care what the subject is. And if you like comments, I can step it up and comment more often.

  34. I read every single one of your posts even if I don’t comment.

    That’s just my preferred way of stalking people.

  35. Would this be a good scale to refer to?

    http://www.savagechickens.com/blog/2007/09/scale-of-life.html

  36. Oh DD, there is no need to apologize. If it’s any consolation, I don’t read the MBs at all…I can’t. I don’t blame any blogger for not reading TLU – that’s part of the reason why it’s separate from B&M. I’d still read your blog no matter what you posted on, but I could certainly understand if you didn’t want any reminders of infertility, et al. I think that makes sense. Sorta.

  37. I haven’t been blogging long but I’m like you – I need it. I think about it during the day and it cheers me. I get comments and support and I give comments and support, and it all just feels like the only right place right now.

  38. DD, I too am so sorry that you are feeling so down, and have been feeling this way for so long now. You know that I wish it was so different for you. I dito what Kath wrote, especially the “love you” part. And oh I’m putting you in contact with somebody I know wanting to give away her meds….

    Lot’s of love to you honey.

  39. I feel mean I have had such good support from you, and others, recently and have been rubbish at reciprocating the last few weeks.

    Hang in there sweetie. There’ll be light at the end of the tunnel.

    xxx


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