Posted by: DD | October 10, 2007

no. 537 – Maelstrom

My previous post was very difficult to write for so many reasons. They may even seem a bit silly to you:

  • I didn’t want to expose my son’s behavior to my co-worker.
  • I didn’t want to expose what may come across as ingratitude for what I literally thank my one lucky star for every night when I go to bed.
  • I didn’t want to expose to you what feels like one more failure when I feel so overwhelmed with things right now.

It’s been easy, relatively speaking, writing about infertility and miscarriages and cycles because in the grand scheme of things, it’s easy for me to convince myself that they impact only myself and ultimately the only one getting fucked up is me.

However, parenting, whether good or bad, directly impacts someone else, i.e. the child. I can’t put on blinders and pretend everything will be OK. I can’t just put everything in the expert’s hands like going to see an RE to try to conceive a child. There’s no “CE” (Childhood Expert) I can call up and go, “I think my son is starting a tantrum. He used a HPT (Home Pre-Tantrum Test) and there’s a faint second line, but I really don’t know…can we do a blood test to check the level of sugar in his system?”

Now of course I am not so self-centered to believe that the seismic waves that come with infertility and dead babies have not been felt by XBoy in some form. Children are incredibly intuitive because they haven’t developed cognitive skills for logic and reasoning. XBoy is no exception to that and senses moods, and responds in kind. If I’m feeling ill and not moving around much, he’ll cuddle up to me. When I’m angry and tense – well, then, he is angry and tense, but because the control isn’t there I fail to make the connection.

As an analogy, imagine a 20 foot wide river moving at a good clip. Now imagine if suddenly the river narrows to just 10 feet. The same amount of water in a narrower channel will be choppier, muddier and easily sweeps away large branches and debris with it, not to mention your sorry ass if you try to cross it. I think children have the same level of emotions as adults, but because we have a hard time seperating the perception of physical to emotional size, it’s easy to get swept away by those intense yet wholly uncontrollable feelings.

Since our personal storm, we have been in a honeymoon phase at our house. I did not give in and return his cars and trucks. Instead Mr. DD and I have decided that they will be used as rewards when XBoy does what he is expected to do: get dressed without fuss in the morning; put his dish and glass in the sink when he’s finished his meal; pick up without being asked, etc.

I’m sure Mr. DD and I will still question if what XBoy experiences from time to time is really just a part of being five or if he’s gearing up for something more serious.

It’s a relief to know that per my resources, it’s because he’s five; and we will worry because we are parents.

Who are my resources?

My mother who has been there and done that six times over.

My friends who are there now or have been.

And very importantly, you my lover-ly readers, for sharing similar stories and feelings of doubt.

I especially want to thank those of you who aren’t in this stage of the game, but still know just the right things to say.

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Responses

  1. LMAO at Home Pre-Tantrum Test!!! Not that we need them at our home, we past “Pre” a long, long time ago!

  2. I love the Home Pre-Tantrum Test! If it were only that easy.

    Children are so intuitive, that sometimes it makes you feel guilty. DS was amazing during my m/c’s – he would come over and hug me when I cried. I feel terribly guilty for that – he was way too young to understand what was happening. I was causing him confusion – and stealing precious time away from him by being sad and upset so often. Will he remember that? Probably not. But, the guilt for me is just the same…and always memorable.

    Children push the envelope often…and that is probably all that is going on right now. A drive to be independent, to push the rules. All you can do is be patient, do your best, and try to correct without judgment. Easier said than done, especially considering the circumstances of the originating post about this.

  3. Um, dude, you totally need to develop that HTT. I’ll buy stock. You’ll make a bundle.

  4. God a test that told me it was a tantrum and not something I should give in to would be SO VALUABLE! Boo has me wrapped around his finger and pulling my hair out at the same time.

  5. That must’ve been the most upsetting thing in the world to you! Don’t really know what to say since I’m not a mom, but I’ve seen my best friends go through these battles as well. Hugs to you.


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