Posted by: DD | October 24, 2007

no. 547 – Squash

Speaking of making out under the bleachers, did I tell you all about how I got felt up a couple weeks ago by another woman? A very attractive woman with warm hands?

Oh, yes, I did.

I finally got my mammogram done, and to avoid you jumping to the end and missing my glorious synopsis of the event, it came back clear. So my uterus has been given the stamp of approval for co-habitation and my money-makers will continue to shake.

What I wanted to point out is that for all the times I have had to throw myself into the stirrups these past couple of years to share with Tom, Dick and Speculum all that I hold sacred, I was utterly embarrassed to have my boobs bared. The fear I had seriously made me wonder which was worse: the stirrups or the squasher.

We fear what we don’t know.

The tech was marvelous. A very sweet and personable young woman who has been performing mammograms for over eight years. She gave me a lovely peach poncho to throw over whatever shoulder was not holding up the exposed breast and as I mentioned earlier, had soft, warm hands. She was by no means timid with how she wanted the flesh to sit on the machine, a new kind that provide "soft" comfort, which reduced the tickle-factor.

The bonus for me (unfortunately?) is that since I have implants I have to have double the images taken: four of the breast in it’s complete state and four with the implant pushed back and only breast tissue compressed. A tip from me to you? If you are ever thinking about getting implants, make sure you go under the muscle. Imagine if you will, if you had your implant just under your skin. Now imagine you have to push the implant back to the chest wall to just get tissue. What do you have left? That’s right. A nipple and some skin attaching it to your chest. Now put just that part into a mammography machine. Good luck with all that, and you have my sympathies.

By the time I walked out, I was relieved that it went so smoothly and without any discomfort, whatsoever (beside the fact I was prancing around topless but for the fugly cape). The experience definitely did not live up to the horror stories I have heard.

So if you haven’t had your boobs squeezed recently by someone you have to pay, then it’s high time you get off your cute butts and get it done. And guys? You don’t even want to imagine how your bits looked pressed under plexi-glass so be thankful for the small wonder that is the DRE and take care of yourselves.



  1. Ouch, ouch, ouch, I’m glad you’re healthy and all but this sounds veeerrrry uncomfortable to me. My sympathies.

  2. Glad it wasn’t awful.

    Do you ever wonder why certain people choose certain jobs? Like proctologist or mammogram x-ray tech?

  3. Very glad that the results were all clear. And that you’ve been given the green light for cohabitation.

  4. Sub-pec, right? They look so much more natural also. Yes,I have been doing a little research. Is it bad to want to adopt only one child so I can afford to get implants when all this is over?

    I suppose I could look this up, but just in case you know off hand, can you deduct augmentation surgery on your taxes as a medical expense?

  5. Ack, yet to have that done and not looking forward to it…

  6. I am not looking forward to it either!

  7. Ugh on the squash-idge. But glad it was all good.

    I even feel strange standing topless in the fitting room when trying on new bras! Glad for the peach poncho!

  8. I’ve had my script for the mammogram since LAST August. I know, I know….make the damn appointment already!

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