Because my breasts are losing tenderness and fullness.
Because I’m not as tired in the afternoon anymore.
Because I’m not ravenous at meal times anymore.
Because I can think of nothing else and my work is suffering.
Because I choke back tears every time I realize it’s another whole week.
Because I can’t sleep.
Because I had to tell my allergy physician that I was “technically” pregnant and had to explain.
Because I’ll be seven weeks on Friday and instead of any symptoms getting stronger, they are waning.
Because of these things, I called and asked the clinic for a scan tomorrow.
I’m sorry I couldn’t maintain that positive front and if I disappointed you in anyway.
Because I just don’t believe.
Punch Drunk 
“if I disappointed you in any way”
Oh tosh, since when are we such delicate flowers?
Wish I could do something to help and you do whatever you need to do, hear?
DinoD
By: DinoD on December 5, 2007
at 8:32 pm
Hoping to hear good news tomorrow!
By: karen on December 5, 2007
at 9:08 pm
What, disappoint us? Not possible.
I would do entirely the same thing. You held out far longer.
I will believe for you.
By: JItters on December 5, 2007
at 9:35 pm
You don’t owe anyone reasons why or an apology.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through this.
By: S. on December 5, 2007
at 9:56 pm
I can’t check in for a few days – I am having gallbladder surgery tomorrow – I hope your scan will be more fun.
Postive vibes being sent your way. Praying that all goes well.
By: Helen on December 5, 2007
at 10:10 pm
Do whatever you need to do to calm your nerves. I know I would!
By: Tracie on December 5, 2007
at 10:21 pm
I’m sorry I couldn’t maintain that positive front and if I disappointed you in anyway.
There is no need for apologies – right now the thing that is important is how you feel – not how we feel and hell most of us (I for one) would be doing the exact same thing. Don’t feel guilty for not believing. Don’t apologize for not believing… just breathe. It may not make tomorrow come any quicker, but it is something that is vitally important for both you, X, Mr. DD, and this pregnancy. Never apologize for doing what will keep you sane and if that means talking your doctor into doing weekly scans until you’re at the point where you start to believe then so be it. Hang in there and know we (meaning myself and all of my family are hoping for the best for all of you.
By: Sami on December 5, 2007
at 10:42 pm
DD, no judgement here.
Get the scan. You need the answer.
xx
J
By: geohde on December 5, 2007
at 10:55 pm
No judgment here whatsoever.
The goal isn’t to stay positive; it’s to stay sane.
I’m hoping the best for you tomorrow. I hate to say that I’m almost expecting it. One of my better doctors used to tell me to think of pregnancy symptoms as the tide washing in. They aren’t a steadily increasing thing but waves coming in and out. I don’t know. It helped me.
By: Suz on December 5, 2007
at 11:26 pm
The good news is you don’t have to believe. I hope the scan provides you the answers you need.
By: Catherine on December 6, 2007
at 12:00 am
Ditto Suz,
And please know that you cannot disappoint me in anyway.
Because on this subject, I am you. Whatever you have to do to make it through the night, just do.
By: Aurelia on December 6, 2007
at 12:17 am
It looks like we are in exactly the same place…I will be 7 weeks on Friday. I haven’t had a single scan yet, and my symptoms are diminishing — just like yours. I am terrified about tomorrow (my first scan). Wishing you the best and hoping everything is okay… Michelle
By: Michelle on December 6, 2007
at 12:19 am
You do what you need to do kid! No recriminations coming at you from blog world!
By: Michelle on December 6, 2007
at 12:24 am
i think getting the scan is the only way.
lots of love and luck to you.
By: laura on December 6, 2007
at 12:25 am
NO judgment. Do what you need! Hoping this helps you get through.
xxx
By: Waiting Amy on December 6, 2007
at 12:34 am
You do what feels right to you.
By: Cricket on December 6, 2007
at 1:04 am
I think you’re doing the right thing. Suz put it perfectly, it’s not about staying positive, it’s about staying sane and you’ve got to do this to keep yourself sane (or closer to it anyway, right?).
Hoping you get the reassurance you need tomorrow!
By: Bitter Mama on December 6, 2007
at 1:16 am
I will be thinking about you all day tomorrow till you post. Do know though that symptoms come and go throughout the entire first trimester and sometimes even into the second. I am glad you are getting the scan and not being told to wait. At this point I think it is the only thing that will let you feel a tad better.
By: Christine on December 6, 2007
at 1:18 am
Aww sweetie you could NEVER disappoint me!! I can totally understand your need to know that Murdock is in there doing what he/she is supposed to….. Can I tell you a little secret?? At 33 weeks, I still don’t “feel” pregnant, I never have this whole time, and that really SUCKS!!! No morning sickness, tender anything… Nothing….. So disappointed, HELL no, you do what you need to!!!
By: Rebel on December 6, 2007
at 1:56 am
Get some reassurance if it will help. God knows I completely understand. I spent my entire pregnancy with Hollis living in a state of fear and not really ever believing that it was going to have a happy ending. I could tell you to relax and yadda, yadda, yadda, but that would just be patronizing. ((HUGS)) I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.
By: LawyerMama on December 6, 2007
at 2:03 am
It’s better to get it checked out than sit and wonder.
Big hopes that everything looks a-ok in there. That your body is just getting used to the hormones Murdock is helping produce.
By: Heather on December 6, 2007
at 2:04 am
TOO….MUCH…….STRESS!
get thee to an ultrasound!
By: Lala on December 6, 2007
at 2:05 am
Why would it be disappointing that you’re doing what you need to do? I would much rather hear that you’re getting the scan that you need and want instead of hearing your agony over not knowing. I hope that the news is reassuring and positive and you can feel better about it, and we’re here for you. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers and hoping for good news and a steady heartbeat (for both of you).
Will Mr DD go with you this time?
By: Erin on December 6, 2007
at 2:07 am
Don’t know about you, but I hate it when people tell me to stay positive. I like my honest, bitchy, realistic self just fine. Good for you for doing whatever you can to help your sanity during this crazy-ass time. If that means ultrasounds early and often, all the better.
Oh and one more thing… in case you’re still insisting upon feeling guilty for caving and getting scanned… I’d probably had about 9 ultrasounds by 7 wks during my pg with LL. Partially bc I was a paranoid maniac and partially bc RE #3 offered them up.
I’m rooting for you over here!!!
By: mm on December 6, 2007
at 2:57 am
I’ve been there, and so have many others. You’re totally valid for feeling that way.
By: statia on December 6, 2007
at 2:59 am
I hope that your symptoms are just on the waning part of waxing and waning and that you’re even more knocked up than you were at your last scan. xox
By: Nico on December 6, 2007
at 4:32 am
Everyone needs some reassurance now and again. Hoping tomorrow brings a little relief. I’ll be thinking of you.
By: Jennifer on December 6, 2007
at 4:43 am
No judging here! You get that scan and tell those danged folks I will drive up there to the arctic north and kick every last one of them if they don’t do their damnedest to help you through this time of stress and worry. Scans every week if it will help you feel better.
Sending a hug…
By: K&M on December 6, 2007
at 6:27 am
I think you need that scan, DD. Not becasue of the symptomlessness, but because youre going insane. Don’t apologise. Good luck tomorrow. xxxxxx
By: Meg (on hubby on December 6, 2007
at 8:34 am
I was *trying* to say I’m on Hubby’s computer. Not that it matters.
By: Meg on December 6, 2007
at 8:36 am
Dear DD, I was going to tell you that my symptoms played peekaboo with my brain for the first few weeks, and it drove me completely round the bend. But then I read with great relief that you’re getting a scan today. Well done, my dear. This waiting time is so hard on the psyche. I would give you a scan every day if I could.
And I didn’t mean to make that sound quite so pervy…
I’m hoping my head off for you, and wishing I could be with you right now to give you hugs and distraction. Of course, I suspect distracting you would not be all that easy right now, but I could try it with a few well-timed jabs at “Hey! Look over there!”
Aren’t you glad I’m not distracting you? And now go forth and get reassurance. I so, so, so hope you do.
By: Kath on December 6, 2007
at 10:52 am
After my words of wisdom yesterday, I too have the fear again today – you just can’t plan around it. Best of luck tomorrow.
By: Feebee on December 6, 2007
at 12:04 pm
You have walked a hard road. I would have to be a fool to think you would go through this pregnancy as completely Hope-filled all the damn time.
I’m sorry that this is hard on you, I can tell you are really stressing. I’m here for you.
I have hope that you will get good news, and I can’t wait to hear it!
By: Heather on December 6, 2007
at 2:10 pm
You don’t owe us a thing – if you need a scan, you need a scan. I hope that it brings positive results and gives you peace for as long as possible.
By: Reese on December 6, 2007
at 2:12 pm
I think everyone understands why you called and asked for a scan. I would have done exactly the same thing. You should still think positively though and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.
By: kyushubabe on December 6, 2007
at 2:29 pm
Listen, DD, disappoint? Are you kidding me? You do what you have to do — there’s no reason to become so crazy you put yourself into an institution.
Sending hugs from chilly Philly.
By: Amanda on December 6, 2007
at 3:03 pm
Because the body can sometimes fool us.
Because our minds can work overtime
Because I hope your instincts are wrong…thinking of you.
By: Pamela Jeanne on December 6, 2007
at 4:38 pm
You have disappointed noone.
Good luck today. Hugs to you.
I am thinking nothing but good thoughts for you.
By: Kellie on December 6, 2007
at 5:03 pm
I agree with Suz.
I’m thinking about you today, DD
By: jessie on December 6, 2007
at 5:04 pm
Oh gods, I’m thinking of you and hoping.
By: Orodemniades on December 6, 2007
at 6:01 pm
I hope your fears are wrong and the scan proves it
xxx
By: drownedgirl on December 6, 2007
at 7:13 pm