Posted by: DD | December 26, 2007

no. 568 – Monster

angry when i see pregnant women after my loss

That was a google search that brought someone by my blog recently.

I still remember vividly the weeks that followed the loss of Vivienne because it was during the Holidays and I had to get gift shopping done. Never before had I noticed how many women out and about were pregnant. It was like the movie, Phenomenon, where a man suddenly acquires amazing powers after experiencing a flash of light out of the night sky.

My first miscarriage was that flash out of nowhere that suddenly opened my eyes to emotions I never had before, much less even heard of: the feelings of anger and jealousy towards pregnant women. See my last post if in doubt.

Those feelings have never wavered in three years. Not even my current pregnancy has helped soften the blow. I can only try to temper the emotions by reminding myself that maybe it wasn’t as easy for them as one would presume. That’s exceptionally hard because I know for the vast majority of women, it really was that easy. I mean, it was really that easy for me in the beginning.

So I find long after the visual onslaught of a bulging belly, I still wage the war in my head that keeps me from glaring too obviously at the back of some strangers head as they waddle out of site. I feel that blackness of jealousy and I know without a doubt, I always will. That’s just how I am emotionally.

I apologize if I hurt anyone’s feelings or let anyone down with my last post. The emails came in from several bloggers wondering if it was them and I could not deny that I felt it towards any one of them at some point or another. Something just snapped in me last week as I just couldn’t take it anymore. And while I know that I’m entitled to express myself here, supposedly without censure, I shouldn’t use that as an excuse to be spiteful, especially to those who have been there for me in the past.

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Responses

  1. It took me over two years to get beyond ex’s new daughter. Now the delightful little sprite makes a game of calling me “Mom” and it pricks my soul a little. I never thought I would even get to this point of healing, but she did it for me with her unbridled enthusiasm.

    I hope you, too, are able to conquer some demons, but don’t be so hard on yourself in the meantime. You are not a monster. I thought the same things you said.

  2. I find it very difficult to maintain a good, heated anger at anybody. Short burst of white-hot anger–yes!

    Long-term animosity? not me. not yet anyway.

  3. A monster? No. Someone who holds people to their word? Yes.

    It is hard for me to feel happy for someone who got pg after dealing with IF when they go against their own words when they were looking for support and do something that they say hurt them so. Hmmm…how quick to forget the reality of pain.

    What about those of us who never get the chance to experience a pg after IF, do people think those feelings just magically disappear? I am speaking on my own behalf right now, obviously.

    No need to explain or justify yourself. Perhaps I will piss some people off here, but plain and simple, don’t be a hypocrite and you will not have to worry if it was you or not. If you stated you would never do it in an attempt to conjure up support when you needed it and then turn around and post pictures when you want to create a situation where I may need support, well, you just lost any support you may get from me in the future.

    Fool me once, perhaps…Fool me twice, yeah right.

    I believe you were right on with your post and thank you for having the courage to post it. Sometimes a reminder that we both give and receive from this community is in order.

  4. That was/is my greatest fear – that I will forget the pain of infertility and become an asshat.

    And I still get jealous. And bitter. You’re not alone.

  5. My first thought when I read that post was how much I admire you for always being honest. I did not think it was spiteful.

  6. I didn’t think it was spiteful either. I recently unsubscribed from a former IF blogger who started a post something like “yippee, this was the first Xmas in two years I haven’t been pregnant”. Thank you very much for shoving your recent fecundity in my face. I personally did not have a problem with belly pics, but I do think that if someone complained about the belly pics of others, they shouldn’t then turn around and post their own.


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