Posted by: DD | January 16, 2008

no. 580 – I Hate This

I’m grateful for my on-line friends who are always more than generous with their support and resources. It was a friend who loaned me a doppler. It has been the death of me, I swear. You all warned me not to let myself depend on it too much and now I have.

Saturday I found the heartbeat – easy peasy.

I haven’t been able to since then. Full bladder or no. Nothing.

I’m going to go see my OB today.

My stomach had dropped to the floor.

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I really thought the further along I’d get with Murdock, the easier it would be. It’s not easier because there’s more to lose.

I told my OB that this sucks. Some of you may be annoyed with my inability to appreciate how lucky I’ve been so far and I get that. I’m annoyed. Don’t you think I’d rather be happy and optimistic?

OB told me I could come in every day if I needed to.

I’ve got to find a way to mentally deal with this before my head explodes and I end up in a vegetative state and once again regretting the fact I couldn’t do something so simple as enjoy my pregnancy.

For now, Murdock is still fine. I think I’ll take the rest of the week off for reflection.

I think I’ll also leave comments off until then. It’s nothing personal, I think I just need to deal with my own thoughts for a while.

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