I’m in full avoidance mode right now, if you couldn’t have guessed. It’s probably because this is the week that will either make this my second longest pregnancy . . . or not.
This weekend I did something truly asinine: I repeated the action I took the weekend before I found out I had lost Vivienne and went to The Metro to shop for clothes. It wasn’t until I was half-way there that I realized that the deja vu feeling I was having wasn’t a feeling at all. It was real. I’m sure I looked like a real idiot talking myself down while on the interstate, clutching the steering wheel. On the other hand, with the number of hands-free telephone devices and American Idol wannabes, I only looked foolish to myself.
Who could blame me then that when I eventually got home, my first task was to use the implement of torture itself – the doppler. For what it’s worth, don’t get a doppler before 14 weeks. I am now getting a little better at finding the heartbeat, but its so easy to pass over since the baby has to be just in the right position even if you have the doppler right on top of it. For a while, the noises I thought I heard were just my guts churning. Now I’m wondering if it wasn’t Murdock farting in the general direction of the doppler as if to say, "You want to hear something? Hear this! Fffrrrppt!"
It’s nice to know I have general immunity from the "s/he gets it from you" argument. I can blame Mr. DD for everything. It’ll take him a while before he pulls the nurture card on me.
Other than the avoidance of my own current situation, I admit I’m avoiding many others out there. Specifically the links to a miscarriage or infant loss. I feel like such an ass for not being able to provide support, except silently and distantly, but it’s all I can do without either feeling unwelcome or it sending me down a spiral of paranoia over my own situation.
To wit: I still haven’t made any preparations for this summer, except to order blinds for the spare bedroom. I figure if it continued to be the spare bedroom, I would need blinds to replace the temporary paper ones I put up last year.
Punch Drunk 
First — wishing you sanity as you make your way through this week. I’m guessing even in the best of circumstances it’s hard NOT to think about the significance. I’d offer to buy you a drink, but that’s not an option at this point. Maybe I’ll drink it for you??
Second, THANK YOU for your most needed comment this morning. Why do we let people get our goat? I didn’t even know I had a goat to get on the subject but clearly I do, and she got it. So it’s with great appreciation that I read your thoughts. You are a true pal in every sense of the word.
By: Pamela Jeanne on January 29, 2008
at 10:44 am
You gotta do what you gotta do. If it’s working… I say stick with it.
And I’m with Pamela Jeanne here. Thinking of you this week.
By: serenity on January 29, 2008
at 11:48 am
Ditto . . . whatever works is good.
And Pamela Jeanne you can have my goat, I’m tired of it.
DD, let’s go shopping on etsy. It passes the time astonishingly well. Just ask my boss.
xo
B
By: beagle on January 29, 2008
at 1:20 pm
this is not an easy path and you have had a much tougher time than most. sending you love and positive vibes.
By: laura on January 29, 2008
at 3:47 pm
Newbie here, but wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you:-)
By: Stacy on January 29, 2008
at 6:45 pm
Hard weeks do end. I’ve made it through a few and yeah they are crap, but oh how nice when they are over.
Hold on hon. You’ll get there.
By: Aurelia on January 29, 2008
at 7:58 pm
You don’t need to apologize for being in self preservation mode! Damit, you earned it.
You made me laugh at the visual of Murdock mooning you and letting loose. Sounds like my house.
As for the room…yeah, the paper blinds gotta go (though I admit I have them in my garage so mad stalkers can’t tell when I am home alone). The rest of the room can wait till you are comfortable–and at some point, you WILL take that deep breath and know that all is well.
By: Christine on January 30, 2008
at 6:24 am
I read this and then chuckled because I too have been avoiding everything. Yes I have been insanely busy and my head explodes when I try to leave comments via my blackberry, but there is also some choice in how I spend my evening and well knitting doesn’t take me to “sad place.”
I will not avoid you, but I too am avoiding that room in our house. I shut the door yesterday but the dog keeps going in there. Earlier today I told him he could have the room and that took the pressure off it being that babies room someday. So there, get a dog and solve your problems.
By: Jitters on January 30, 2008
at 8:52 pm
[…] when I came in for the ultrasound. For those who may have read through archives and kept seeing a reference to my pregnancy and “Murdock”, that was what we nicknamed the baby as ode to the doctor who got us to that […]
By: SHE MET HER MAKER « Punch Drunk on August 1, 2009
at 10:10 pm