Posted by: DD | February 8, 2008

no. 594 – Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Regarding our decision to not find out Murdock’s gender at the 20w scan:

We did not find out the sex of XBoy, even though we were subjected to an advanced anatomical screen and an amnio due to the effen triple screen (now NEW and IMPROVED Quad Screen!), and I was presented with a lovely little envelope that if I had opened it prior to XBoy’s birth, I would have been handed the number of chromosomes said fetus had acquired. Instead I let the OB tell me that XBoy was "normal" – relatively speaking.

I socked that information away per Mr. DD and I’s mutual agreement. However, this time, it’s not so mutual. He’s of the sort, "There’s so few real surprises in life," to which I argue in my head, "Oh, honey, yes there are too many…I was surprised by miscarriage number one, two, three AND four!" but I figure we argue enough as it is about him leaving his shoes anywhere but the mud room, so why bother? I was able to wait it out before, I can wait it out again.

An additional surprise bonus is that of course we have no idea if Murdock is even going to end up Caucasian (a preference based on our own appearances not bigotry so don’t read into that), even though that’s what we were told the donor was. We’ve discussed possible outcomes, just for the shits and giggles and all, and we couldn’t care less as long as Murdock is breathing. Plus, it’d really be worth it to see the look on my FIL’s face if we presented his grandchild to him with a name that required the obligatory (‘) apostrophe.

If you were to ask, yes, I do have a preference on the sex. Am I going to tell you? Sorry, my dears, no. You might guess a girl, since I’ve lost two that we know of. You might guess boy because then I wouldn’t be thinking "replacement baby".  Either way, it’s out of my hands and if wishes were stars and all that crap…

Also, we figure we know the exact date of conception and will end up knowing the exact date of delivery (barring any other unpleasant surprises) due to my decision to go with a repeat c-section, why not have something more than, "It’s alive!" to cry my eyes out to at the moment Murdock is yanked out by his (or her) head, like some sort of prize catfish in a noodling contest?

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Responses

  1. You crack me up!

    I’ve witnessed all manner and number of births (career pitfall), but now, that noodling visual changes everything for me!

  2. I agree. Knowing the sex of the child is not all that important (fun yes, important no).

  3. I’ve always thought it would be lovely to have the surprise, but knew that there would be no way of my enduring the suspense. Good for you for waiting.

  4. lol. Yep, it’s ALIVE. That would do it for me too.

  5. I am guessing you want a girl. Don’t deny it.

    My sister’s friend had a good point about the “so few surprises in life” argument. She said, I will be just as surprised at 20 weeks as I will be at 40 weeks.

    I’m with you; there are too many surprises in life.

  6. sheesh — s says the same thing: there are so few surprises. really. what world does he live in? and peeved michelle is right: it’s a surprise whenever you find out, yeah? so why not find out when you want?

    i agreed with ruby to wait, but then we ended up finding out when my water broke. i was really glad for those two weeks of bedrest to know she was a girl. not that i wanted her to be a girl (i mean, i did, but that isn’t the point): the point is it helped me bond with her that much more. maybe that’s silly, but there it is.

    good for you, though, for cooperating. you’re a good partner.

  7. I had “a feeling” about the sex with both of them, but I’m just too friggin impatient. I had to know! There were registries to fill out, names to argue over & blankets to buy. You’re a stronger woman than I, DD.

  8. I’m rubbish with surprise. I had to know asap at 20w. 2nd time round we found out because my girl was convinced it was a boy and I needed to know whether or not I was going to have to persuade her of the joys of a little sister (she was right). I suppose if the husband had wanted a surprise then I’d have gone with it but only under duress – I’m less gracious than you.

  9. BigP just told me yesterday that he doesn’t want to find out the sex of the baby – but I do. I let it drop, save that fight for another day…

    How do you not find out? It would drive me nuts.

  10. I had a scheduled C with Ant, and was so glad at that point we had decided not to find out his gender. The last surprise, as you say. Although a catfish would be a surprise too 😉

  11. I didn’t have much of a chance to be surprised. I was watching the ultrasound and BOING it was sticking up plain as day..BigD let out a “yep, thats MY boy”. (delusions of grandeur). For me, knowing the sex meant he was real and in some weird way made it more worrisome that something would go wrong and make the loss even worse since I “knew” him. Ahhh the joys of IF and multiple losses.

  12. I’ve always been one that just wanted the baby, too – sex didn’t matter. Of course that might be common to just us infertiles.

    I actually know people who’ve kept trying until they get the sex they want, or have one and then say “let’s have another now and get a (opposite sex)”. Must be nice to fill your house with kids so easily.

  13. Oh DD, can your OB tell us? Please? But then if you can wait, so can we. Oh, Caucasian names can have apostrophes too.. I know because I teach a Le’ashley. Seriously, WTF? Anyway, you crack me up. Yes, “alive” is a wonderful surprise. I could never do it though. I can’t wait. I sneak out at night and open all my Christmas gifts then re-wrap them. I also dig through drawers for receipts.

    With Jimmy’s ultrasound, there was no way of hiding the sex. He threw his package around for everyone to see. It is one of my favorite memories of him. Andy was more modest. In fact the ultrasound tech had to re-confirm out our next ultrasound three weeks later (welcome to the club of “get ten ultrasounds and the eleventh one is free”)… I’m surprised Andy wasn’t born glowing green!!!

  14. The advice I’ve always heard is that you should find out the gender if you might be disappointed in the gender in the delivery room. It’s an emotional moment and you will not be able to control yourself one way or the other. And if you have a preference beyond alive, I’d understand, I kind of had one too, and it wasn’t just medical, but having 20 weeks to get used to the idea, kind of helps me adjust and be happy regardless.

    Anyway, you need to feel good about it, so whatever you do, fine by us. We’re still cheering you on.

  15. I admire your ability to honor his input when you are the one dealing with all the pg symptoms, etc. Although, once you know, you will know forever, so if possible, enyou the suspense. Emphasis on is possible.

  16. We didnt find out what Diva girl was. I didn’t want to know if we lost her…
    and “It’s ALIVE!” was the only thing I was searching for, too…


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