Posted by: DD | May 23, 2008

no. 667 (minus one) – Face Plants Are Kind Of Funny, After The Fact

Today I thought I'd share some of the more humorous moments from XBoy's introduction of his face to the metal gym bleachers. The first thing on my agenda was to clarify what had actually happened. I had been told that he ran the scooter into the bleachers. Of course, I immediately thought of this kind of scooter:

Scooter2wh

Sure, I wondered what the heck they were doing with a scooter like this in a gym, but hell, as long as it wasn't the motorized scooter that belonged to the neighbor, I hardly gave it a thought.

Then I found out it was THIS kind of scooter:

Kneescooter

Ok, I'm sorry since this is wrong on so many levels, but this was the closest image of the kind of scooter he was on (which should sound off warning bells in your head already), but if you are over the age of 20 and you had to participate in P.E. during elementary school, then you will know exactly of what kind of scooter I refer to. Come on now, think back 15, 20, 25 years ago. Wooden gym floors, jump ropes and red or blue vinyl covered plywood boards with four non-steerable wheels bolted to them. The kind that you would kneel on and no matter how many fucking times you ran over your own damn fingers from pushing yourself around (they didn't come with those nifty hand "shoes"), you would be the first to shove that wussy kid out of the way to get the first one out of storage the next time around.

If you have no idea of what I'm talking about, then you have not lived.

I don't know why it makes any difference since I'm sure one's face could just as easily be plowed into a solid vertical object with one kind of scooter as is the next.

As for the dental clinic, there was one caveat: I finally got to meet the new dentist. The young, hot, male dentist. However, his hotness and youngness did only one thing for me and that was to remind me that not only am I now of cougar qualifications, I know that I could never have Young, Hot, Male Dentist ever be my dentist. Is there anything less attractive than the inside of someone's mouth? All that saliva and teeth and tongue bumps and weird tissue tags and uvulas? Yuck. So I'm pretty sure I'll just maintain an aura of mystery and keep my mouth shut.

Coincidently, I had been meaning to blog about XBoy's teeth for some time now, ever since he lost his first two teeth some time ago. A chance for me to lament about his po' widdle bitty teef. I'm over that.

Instead, it just now reminds me of my own traumatic dental experiences.

First of all, no one I've met yet enjoys hearing about my own family's tradition in ridding one of us of a perfectly good loose tooth. You may have all had the strings and taffy and jaw breakers and whatnot to speed the actual tooth-pulling. You then, are a puss. You know what we had? We had a pair of pliers and if we were lucky, a paper towel. Actually, Dad had the pliers and Mom would try to cushion our tooth (or godalmightyforbid – teeth) from the pliers with the strategically folded paper towel. Dad would sit on our chest. Mom would hold our heads. Dad would take the pliers from the ever present location, a pliers holder on his belt, the same one he probably pulled a tick from the dog's ear not five minutes before, and wrap it around the loose tooth.

Oh, yes. He did.

We did also see a dentist once a year. Since my teeth have never been my best asset, the visits almost always included a magic carpet ride.

What? You don't know what a magic carpet ride is?

It's where they took the nasal mask and pumped nitrous oxide through it and then I would inhale deeply through my nose until I was left senseless, except for the absolute assuredly I had that I was flying about the tiny exam room on a magic carpet. I hated the dentist, but I really, really miss those precious moments. Almost enough to have snagged the nasal mask from XBoy's face for a hit. Unfortunately, the nurse with her fake tan and over-permed hair never left our sides.

And lastly, speaking of the nurse: I swear dental professionals must take a class in understanding the unique language of patients who are suffering through all kinds of oral injustices, whether it's cotton swabs, suction, dental dams, or like my son, refused to swallow the saliva for fear it was blood and preferred to drool the excess out.

I say this because prior to the actual extraction, XBoy is trying desperately to tell both Mr. DD and myself something. We just couldn't understand him. Instead we nodded and smiled as if we understood completely. After all was said and done, and he was hopped up on laughing gas and local anesthetic he was showing off his Iron Man sunglasses from Burger King to the nurse. Except he said, "Rar ga ees gashes fer Urgha Ig. Ay awr Arn Ma rungashes." And the nurse? She says, "You got those glasses from Burger King? And they're Iron Man sunglasses? That's so cool!"

I could have understood Swahili better than that marble-mouthed discussion.

I've also learned from this experience that just about everyone has their own horror story regarding a dental procedure. Feel free to share, because if you are like me, this stirred up all kinds of memories from the past (cue Wayne's World flashback sound – doo-dit-do, doo-dit-do, doo-dit-do – and waving hands). I'm pretty sure this one will be a story for XBoy to regale to his kids someday as well.

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Responses

  1. I hate, hate, hate going to the dentist. I finally went in for a check-up last year for the first time in… wait for it… 8 YEARS! Not a smart or mature move, but what can I say. The last time I’d been to a dentist, it involved a root canal, jaw and gum surgery, and having a cap put on. Miserable, miserable, miserable.

  2. I remember those scooters. Awesome, scary, evil things they were.

    As a mandated reporter, if you as a child had told me about your father and the pliers I would have been forced to report it to children services. That’s just wrong.

    And don’t even get me going about the dentist. Hate. Detest. Words aren’t strong enough for my loathing. But if I was ever going to be a drug addict, you would see me walking around with a tank of nitrous oxide on my back. That is some good shit.

  3. Wow, it must be dental month. Lori at Weebles just went through dental pain with her girl — but unfortunately she was dealing with trauma to adult front teeth (yikes!).

    And pliers? WTF?

  4. i don’t have any stories *that* good, but my dad vividly remembers getting teeth pulled with a string tied around a doorknob and then slammed shut. and my four grandparents, all born and reared in eastern europe w/o benefit of fluoridated water, had among them 3 teeth by the time i came along.

  5. Sweet mother of god. I can’t get past the pliers and paper towel job. This is reminding me that i need to go to the dentist and i’m afraid of going to the dentist.

  6. Those scooters are part of some of the BEST memories I have of elementary school. And since I went a rather rural school, and the poorest in the county, we definitely had all the older cool stuff that is mostly now ‘unsafe’.

    And the dentist? Gah, the older I get the more I get scared about going. The worst was right before they slapped braces on me they had to pull several of the baby molars out. I didn’t like, and still don’t like, the happy gas. So they numbed me completely up, stuck the pliers in my mouth and said, “Here, pull down.” I could hear the skin ripping as I pulled it out. IT ECHOED THROUGH MY SKULL. *shivers*

    I need someone to hold me now.

  7. OK, my biggest dental horror story was the root canal where my tooth didn’t get all the way numb (well, it did eventually, but not before I could tell it wasn’t numb – ouch!). I came home from that one thinking I’d just experienced the worst dental trauma ever, and then I had to hear about the root canal my mom had with the dentist who didn’t believe in novocaine. Holy crap, some of them are sadists.

    My current dentist is one of the nicest (and least hot) guys in the world. He calls me at home after any major work to make sure I’m doing ok, and to see if I need anything for pain or whatever, he’s willing to give me nitrous during cleanings because they squick me out.. and I still avoid him like the plague until I put it off so long he starts calling me (or my parents!) to pester me into an appointment. Ack, I hate dental appointments.

  8. My childhood dentist was an asshole. Didn’t believe in novacaine. It took me years to get to the point that I wasn’t scared shitless of the dentist’s chair.

  9. My dentist story is so freaking awful you will swear that I am making it up…but I am not. (I think I blogged about it before). I was about 7, on vacation and had a horrible toothache. My mother found a pediatric dentist in that city (Ft. Lauderd.ale-no hick town) and off we went. Long story short, he SLAPPED me across the face so hard that my mother heard it in the waiting room! Had I bit him, I might understand but all I did was well up with tears when he stuck a huge syringe in front of me and ordered me to open up-I didn’t open up fast enough apparently. Had this happened now, we probably could have had his license yanked but it was long ago before anyone ever heard of lawsuits etc, but is still very vivid in my memory. I hope the bastard lost all of his teeth and had to gum his food in his old age.

  10. I HATE the dentist!!

    We had those scooters too and we played “Pacman” on them. The gym teachers would put colored tape on the floor and we had to stay on those lines as we scooted around the floor. We also had nerf balls and we would scoot after people (if you were the ghosts that is) Fun!!

  11. Mine is this:
    Crazy OLD Army Colonel who doesn’t believe in anesthesia and decides to go ahead and fix my cavity without ANY numbing! I was bawling my eyes out and raising my hand, so he gave me a little numbing. Worthless. More crying, more hand raising. Finally he decides to give me another shot and I am finally numb. Being a lowly E2, that Col. didn’t give a crap about my pain.

  12. Ok, so I officially haven’t lived. Never heard of those kind of scooters!

    J

  13. Ha ha ha, dentists. I have a good story, that turned slowly into a bad story.

    In high school I would get my cavities filled at the USC dental school. I had an awesome student. He did this one filling, an inlay, that was beautiful. The instructor called everyone to come look at it. It was a gold inlay.

    Every single dentist I have been to since comments on it. And does another gold inlay. It’s a competition in my mouth and now I have five of them.

  14. […] it?” Yep, thanks for the reminder, XBoy. I suppose it serves me right considering his recent painful medical […]


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