Posted by: DD | July 31, 2008

DICKHEAD? DOUCHEBAG? SIX OF ONE, HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER

I love my husband. Truly. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have married him.

When XBoy was born, he turned into the best father, contrary to both our fears, and I loved him even more.

Now that XBoy is at that age where he reacts with teen aged flair, like pulling faces; or stomping around the house; or saying, “blah blah blah” after he’s been lectured, Mr. DD’s patience with him has waned considerably.

I’ll admit, so has mine. A two or three year old is a true joy compared to a child who can use logic and lie and work a TV remote better than you.

But the first week we were home with ZGirl, Mr. DD rode XBoy around like a sway-backed pony.

“Do this! Do that!” and then if XBoy didn’t do it or didn’t do it fast enough, Mr. DD would yell some more including the phrase, “Do as I’ve asked  you to do!”

I don’t know about you, but an order is not a request, and I’ve said as much to Mr. DD.

XBoy was initially excited to spend some time home with ZGirl and I and said he wanted to help me with her. By Wednesday, he preferred to go to daycare. It was a shame because when I needed something, all I had to do was say, “XBoy, would you help me with something, please?” He’d ask what, and I would then ask him to do XYZ.

Granted, I had to make sure he wasn’t watching Nickelodeon or some other mind-numbing crap (if I could have them pull Barn Yard, I would in a heartbeat, followed closely by Sponge Bob), but most of the time he did it without complaint.

I have reminded Mr. DD over and over again that XBoy has an emotional sensitivity similar to myself, and that he knows that when he yells at me I shut him out completely. I can’t tell you how many times when we were dating that I would turn my back on him, walk out the door, and drive away during an argument. I’ll gladly have a discussion, even a heated discussion, but start raising your voice?

That’s when the little voice in my head starts its sing-song, “You’re a douchebag. You’re a douchebag.”

Also, Mr. DD gets so frustrated with XBoy that he threatens him with the most inane punishments, “If you don’t have your shoes on by the time I get mine on, I’m leaving you home,” or more recently, in an exchange with me where he thought I was undermining his authority with XBoy (after I had XBoy go to the bathroom and then tuck him in for the night, he made him get back out of bed ten minutes later and to try to pee again in which I responded, “He just went.”), he said, “Then I’ll get him up every half hour every night.”

Yeah, right.

Lastly, since ZGirl’s exclusively nursing right now, Mr. DD’s responsibilities are to get up with her at night, change her diaper, and keep her settled until I can get situated. Five minutes – tops – is all he needs to commit at two or three times a night, while it can take ZGirl 45 – 60 minutes to finally decide she’s done for three or four hours. Yet, I’m the first to hear her fussing, so I have to wake him, to which he grumbles in his sleep, “What?!”

Cue, “You’re a douchebag, you’re a douchebag…”

I repeat: I love Mr. DD, but right now, that only means I love a douchebag.

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Responses

  1. I have just started to like my husband again… after our daughter was born I was ready to kill him for about a year, but it’s getting better now! Good Luck

  2. Is it wrong that I just laughed?? I call my douchebag a fucking asswipe (in my head of course) several times a week.

  3. that’s so funny. and so not. gotta love those post-partum hormones, ‘eh? (not saying he’s not to blame…not saying that at all!)

    i sometimes find myself saying totally inane things to my two-year-old. i suppose i should just prepare myself now for failure with her when she becomes a logical, devious, egocentric six-year-old who can stomp my technosavvy into the ground, huh?

  4. Bwahahahaha!

    He sounds like my husband. I’m shocked he’s alive after Alex’s newborn days.

  5. Boys are stupid. All of them. Even the ones we love.

  6. I love a dickhead as well. He was called that numerous times (but I did it to his face) the first couple of weeks after KT was born. I’m sure he hated me but he realized the stupid things he was doing.

    Does it do any good to talk to Mr.DD about it? Probably not, or my guess would be that you would have already done so.

    And my off-tangent vent about Back at the Barnyard…have you ever noticed that Otis has a full udder? Yeah. I get so caught up in that misrepresentation that I can’t stand to leave the TV on that channel…

  7. Huh.

    With the exception of the new baby references, I could have written this post.

  8. What is it about men and their ridiculous empty threats? If there’s anything I am glad about with infertility, it’s not hearing ex tell a child that he’s going to put them to bed or something equally inane. Sheesh.

  9. I hear ya!

  10. I think this is a large part of successful marriage: knowing your husband is a douchebag at times, accepting your husband is a douchebag at times, and finally, loving him anyway.

    At this point my husband would insist that I also acknowlege that I am, in fact, a hormonal pissy bitch sometimes, that he accepts that I’m a hormonal pissy bitch, and that he loves me anyway.

    Our house would probably drive you nuts though – we do expect what we tell (or ask) the kids to do to be done immediately, sans attitude. Ideally with a “Yes, Ma’am” or “Yes, Sir”. If they’re at a point in a game or show where they would like to wait a few minutes, they can ask, but it doesn’t fly very often. They’re also pretty good, for the most part, on correcting themselves when they sass back just by us saying “ATTITUDE.”

  11. Oh yeah, our husbands should get together and go bowling. What IS it with these men?

  12. Ugh!

  13. You can get him to get up at night? Oh you are Super Woman. Steve still doesn’t get up with Marjorie and she is on bottles. She was yelling and crying at midnight last night and guess who got up with her? Not HIM.

    Good luck and he might feel that he is helping with the yelling at the boy. I had to sit Steve down and explain that he was stressing me out more then helping, with all his yelling at our boy.

  14. I hear ya. I do. P was great and all but there was absolutely NO forethought. K would wake up screaming, he would get up to pee. Wha? By the time he got done K would be at near fever pitch. Argggh.

    Men are very annoying at this time. I can only attribute it to the fact that they have no maternal instinct.

    XBoy is being, well, your typical 6-7 year old. Mr. DD needs to put his patience hat on, and cut the kid some slack.

  15. I feel ya. Really. Sometimes I think Joe was raised in the 1940s. He truly believes that only the wife can cook/clean/sew/raise the children etc. etc…

  16. Sigh. I know exactly what you mean.

  17. *nodding*

  18. Oh, the newborn days. Even when DH said he would get up and give S a bottle of EBM, he would “sleep through it” and I was up BF. Sigh.

    There are days still when I call him a F’n dickhead but I love him anyway.

  19. Why the heck do we women bother with the whole baby/family deal when it causes this much drama/annoyance?!? Please someone explain to me as just about to enter into this realm myself…

  20. […] you’ve offered a shoulder when I’ve found myself shaken to my very core, or to side with me when I think Mr. DD is being a putz, and of course to share in the greatest joy I’ve ever known. And once in a great while, I get an […]


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