Posted by: DD | January 5, 2009

DR. NINE OH TWO ONE OH

This weekend I was trying to put on makeup. Trying, because when a baby is demanding in no uncertain terms, “pick me up! look at me! smile at me! look at me, now! really! NOW!” and the husband was gone and XBoy was having his own visual affair with the TV, everything feels “trying”.

So, I picked up a hand mirror and some of my makeup and sat down next to ZGirl in an attempt to kill two birds with one stone.

At one point, I had put the mirror down next to ZGirl to look down on her and make a face. I made a face alright, if the reflection in the mirror was any indication.

My face? It fell forward.

Two chins. The beginnings of a neck waddle. Loose eyelids.

There was more, but I could barely look at myself for a second longer. It was… frightening.

If I had a buttload of money, I’d have a surgeon on call 24 hrs (once I removed the money from aforementioned butt). An eyelid lift, a little pull at the temples (even though the before and after tv shows on plastic surgery where they peel the face off the skull freaks me the fuck out), a chin lift, some restalin here, some botox there, and even a little plumping of the lips…oh yeah. Any needle phobia I may have had went out the window after my first IUI attempt back in the summer of 2005. So what if it’s to my face and not my dimpled ass/thigh? Which someday I would like to fix as well.

Getting older sucks. Knowing that my O face looks the way it does? Sexy, it is not.

What one plastic surgery would you do if money wasn’t an object?

(You can use this as an excuse to delurk! Cool, huh?!)

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Responses

  1. I never thought I would say this, but BOOB JOB!
    (and yes, I’m de-lurking).

  2. A muffin top-ectomy?

  3. …a bodylift

    is that too ambitious?

  4. My mouth. As I get older the corners of my mouth are droopy and it always looks like I am pissed or sad, or old.

    I always thought that they could just pull everything back and up and tie it behind my ears cuz god knows THEY are big enough!

  5. My bat wings. OMG, I hate my loose arm fat/skin so much. I’d rather have boobs hanging down to my waist then these hideous arm flappers I have.

  6. Two words….Lifestyle Lift. As soon as I can make M work the docks some more, I am allllll over that one.

  7. Boobs. Then maybe they’ll look past my wrinkles.

  8. I’m sorry, I’m still laughing my ASS off at Betty M’s comment. Cause I’d TOTALLY go for a muffin top-ectomy if they could do it.

  9. OOH! Just one? Tummy tuck and then maybe lipo on the thighs. I’ve been thinking. Can’t they just do the tummy tuck when they are doing the c-section?? Wouldn’t that be nice and easy?

  10. Is a muffin top-ectomy available somewhere? If so, I’d be all OVER that one. Some doctor is going to read this and make a fortune off that idea.

  11. i feel like you can always tell when people do things to their eyelids though.

  12. I am hitting a milestone birthday next summer – and eyes it is. Happy birthday to me!

    By the way – my xmas present to myself was botox and restylane. I AM IN LOVE. Best shit ever.

  13. Only one? Gah! Well, I suppose a tummy tuck would be my choice, but I’m planning that plus a breast lift and upper eyelid lift for fall 2010.

  14. Honestly? Nothing. Granted, my saggy boobs disgust me and my orange-peel thighs are gross, but I’m fairly happy with my 43 year old self.
    I will start an exercise program to deal with the fat, jiggly thighs,& the muffin top but that’s it.

  15. There’s a ton I could use at this point, mostly to deal with the baby weight I have be *regaining* but what I most need is a kick in the pants, which probably can’t be done surgically. I look in the mirror and feel that sense of horror, but then I go to the kitchen and have a horrendously unhealthy snack or opt not to exercise when the baby naps. Ugh.

  16. Can I have one now and one later?

    I choose nose job now (the bridge of my nose is wider than I’d like).

    Later, boob lift. Totally.

  17. Laser eye surgery, laser my entire body to remove hair, wrinkles, spots, tighten skin, and remove stretch marks.

    Maybe later a boob lift, (I don’t need extra boob size, just a lift up as they migrate down my body.) Chin/neck tighten, and maybe the eyes. I’m going to try to put off a facelift or other surgery with the lasers and some retin A cream.

    I always thought I would never get plastic surgery, but honestly, I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I would look old, you know?

  18. Oh hell yeah. If I had a little bit of extra money, I’m all about the nip and tuck.

  19. I’ve never been wild about my nose, so that would be my choice.

    Ask me again a few years from now once I’m past 40 and I bet I’ll be adding to that list, though…

  20. I would say lipo, tummy tuck, fix my grill, and of course lift the girls up off the floor…but I guess I should wait and see if I am going to be able to spawn any more children. A girl can dream right?

  21. only one???!!!!

    well, I’d start with another breast reduction, followed by tummy-tuck and lipo-suction to pretty much everywhere. Laser resurfacing to EVERYWHERE. Electrolysis to anywhere there is hair that I don’t like, face lift, cheekbone implants, chin-lipo (is that even a procedure???) and botox botox botox…

  22. I don’t want surgery, but if that wrinkle between my eyes could go away, and my stomach could not look like a wrinkled bag….well that’s enough.


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