Posted by: DD | September 1, 2009

IT IS THE BEST OF TIMES

A couple months ago, I set a goal for myself. It should have been a simple and easily attainable goal, and in the weeks leading up to that deadline, I was convinced it was going to go as planned.

After ZGirl’s first birthday, I was going to give up blogging.

I have been carrying around delusions of grandeur for years, hoping to take this community by the nipples. You might assume I’m pretty full of myself to even think it, much less profess it here, but I’m not an egomaniac. I just never realized how much pull there was in the comments and emails of strangers who are willing to take a minute or two out of their own busy schedules to let me know I’m not alone.

When you grow up use to being a wall-flower, you take whatever attention you can get, you know?

There are some days I can’t believe I would ever think of leaving this behind. It’s the days that you’ve offered a shoulder when I’ve found myself shaken to my very core, or to side with me when I think Mr. DD is being a putz, and of course to share in the greatest joy I’ve ever known. And once in a great while, I get an email – out of the blue – by someone who thanks me for being me. That’s a beautiful and humbling experience right there.

But then there seem to be more days when it just doesn’t seem worth it to even log-in to WordPress. Those days I feel as if I’m forcing the anger or the funny. I ask myself is it because I’m not as bitter? Oh, but I am. Am I angry? Hell, yes! Did I lose my funny? Did I ever have it to lose??

Like most bloggers have confessed, I do go about my day thinking, “Oh! That’d make a great post!” so I sit down at my little desk, fire up my lap-top, my thoughts jumbled and still forming like a little cauldron but then Life outside the internet takes place:

 “I’m out of clean work shirts!”

“XBoy has a Time-Sucking Function to go to at 7:00. You want to stay here with ZGirl or take him?”

“Mom, will you play backgammon with me?”

“Mumum – mumum . . .  Mumumumum! MUMUMUM!!!”

While these things get to be annoying in their repetitive nature, I also find some peace in them, because it’s all I really wanted when I started blogging in the first place. Isn’t that what we all wanted when we started blogging (whether writing or just reading) (if you were/are an infertility blogger)? To get life back to “normal”, whatever that normal was?

I’m returning to the normalcy that I envisioned, but I just feel like there isn’t enough rage, bitterness, sorrow and sarcasm to satisfy whatever your needs still are. And quite frankly, I miss having one of my posts linked to when I wrote something that spoke to your heart, your head, or even your funny bone. In fact, I don’t think we link to each other as much as we did in the past (I say with three fingers pointed back at me). Maybe I’m out of touch, or maybe we become so overloaded that we’ve become passive, if not just plain indifferent.

After taking weeks to get this out (I know. It doesn’t seem like it, but I just can’t get it flow quite like I want), I’ve realized that I won’t stop blogging as I had planned. However, I’m giving myself permission to NOT think about posting; to stop reaching for the proverbial Blogging Brass Ring – an “in” to syndication, to publication. I’ll leave that up to those who find writing an unquenchable passion. For me? I just want to stay connected with friends who saw me through my worst and know that right now, this is the best I’ll be. I’ll no longer apologize if it’s not enough for some. It’s more than enough for me.

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Responses

  1. THANK GOD!
    You’ve made me one happy middle-aged, woman. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

    Lots o Luv,
    Cat

    • Whoa! there sister. If you’re middle-aged then I’m well, a little *less*middle-aged!

  2. You scared me!

    I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be famous. No one will have TV specials about my funeral. That’s ok, I’m a ROCKSTAR in my daughter’s eyes.

    Often I don’t have anything to blog about because my life is bland now. I’m not cycling or writing a book or anything spectacular (Thank God). But, I can’t let go of all of these beautiful women (and men) who have touched me to my core and been a lifeline when I thought I was going crazy. Rallied around me when I needed it. Laughed with me, cried with me.

    I would miss you terribly. You do have us by the nipples.

  3. Dude, seriously, get your hands off my nipples. It’s not cool.

    • What if I rub my hands together really hard so that they are no longer cool?

  4. Lets be honest, how many Dooce’s can there be in blogland? She has a gazillion followers and some days, she posts one sentence. I think I kinda hate her.

    I started blogging because I felt the urge to dispense my wisdom to the people through comments. I really didn’t intend to have people “read me”. I have 40 some people that supposedly do, but often get zero comments, and it takes me back to junior high when I really wanted to be popular.

    I think you need to stick around, if for no other reason than to entertain me. 🙂

    • Everytime I read “dooce” in a sentence, I think of the slang for a B.M. (you know? “deuce”?). So to answer your question, how many deuces can there be in blogland? Did you not read Crazy’s brother’s comments to my blog post a couple weeks ago??

  5. You scared me! I would really miss you.

  6. yeah, who needs another Dooce? As soon as she started supporting her family off of her blog money, her writing went to shit. I stopped reading her ages ago. I’d much rather read your REAL and interesting stuff, whenever you get around to posting it.

    The internet would be a much more boring place without your blog.

  7. I love it that you still blog and have an internet presence. I miss so many others from back in the day and would love a way to check in occasionally to see how their lives turned out and if they are okay.

    There was a time when I was OCD about my blog and thought of every little incident as blog fodder. It gave me great joy to vomit on the pages about mundane drama but the ugliness sucked me dry. The support in the blogworld still brings tears to my eyes and it helped me through infertility hell.

    I am so glad that people like you continue to share your life. You bring joy and laughter to many. I always thought you were popular and so well loved.

    I remember reading a woman’s blog entry by chance and she had just miscarried, it was a new blog and I typed “i’m so sorry” in her comment section and her next entry was weeks later about how bloggers suck and that her sitemeter recorded over 70 unique hits and only one person bothered to offer support. My heart broke for her. Some people can blog about riding the bus and get hundreds of adoring comments and others can have a blog about death and get none.

    I don’t know what got me on that role. I’m just glad you are still here.

    Much love,

    Julianna

    • That is so sad about the blogger who miscarried. What a terrible experience for her not only physically, but to find no support where she should have been cocooned in it. 😦

  8. I would miss you. I am glad that you are staying.

  9. I am so glad that you aren’t quitting blogging… I have thoughts of blogging more frequently. One of the things I enjoy is that I feel like I get to keep up with you even if I don’t comment frequently due to blog readers.

  10. I’m glad you’re staying, too.

    Besides, Dooce’s overrated.

    Oro

  11. Ditto the ‘thanks for staying’ comments. Nearly every time you post I find myself odding my head in agreement. i keep thinking – YES, someone else had that very same thought I had this moring / last ight / last year. I have cried over your heartbreaks and celebrated your triumphs.

    There are so few people left actually writing the real, the human. Too much editing and censoring, trying to get that perfect pithy post. Thanks for just putting it out there and having the conversation some of us long to have IRL. You help make the world, and some of us in it, a little less isloated in our own parts of the world 🙂

  12. So glad to hear you aren’t stopping! I would miss you!

  13. Don’t ever leave us. What would we do without you?

    • What you you do without me? Oh, probably continue to make fun of me on facebook…

  14. DD I’m glad your not stopping. I would miss your writing and all the news on xboy and zgirl. you are all a part of our family now and everybody wants to keep up on there family don’t they?

  15. Well thank goodness! I had to skip to the end to see if you were really quitting! For what it’s worth, I don’t read for your anger or humor; I read because I like you and, therefore, like knowing what’s going on with you and yours.

    So no more scary posts about quitting!

  16. Oh. my. god. My heart stopped beating after reading the first few sentences and didn’t start again until I read the last paragraph. I’m so happy you can’t seem to give up the blogging. I would read your grocery list if that is all you posted.

    I don’t read you just for your snark and funny, but because I like knowing what is going on in your life. So, even if you lost the snark and funny, I for one would still be interested in reading your posts!

  17. Whew. Thank goodness you’re staying.

    You actually put into words the things I’ve been thinking about blogging.

    Thanks.

  18. Now let us never speak of this again!! 🙂

  19. I find myself struggling with To Blog Or Not To Blog often these days. Most of the time I feel like I don’t have anything left to say. I have my beautiful girls and my life is beautifully boring these days. I’m good with that but why do I feel the need to inflict it upon others? But I love my little blogging community and I don’t want to give it up. So my blog keeps limping along. I was never all about the numbers anyway.

    I write for an online magazine now and then. It is a free thing I do because I like writing and my friend started the mag. Long story short, the “editor” insisted I put a badge on my blog. I said no. She tried to convince me with talk about SEO and quality links to my blog – I told her she obviously didn’t know me if she thought I was in it for the traffic.


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